Mental health after having kids is often affected by losses of your sense of identity, equality, and connection. This post explores why parents can feel lost, lonely, or resentful even when life looks “fine”, and how these feelings can be understood as signals for change, helping parents reconnect with themselves and their relationships.
Mental Health After Having Kids: Why So Many Parents Feel “Off” (and What to Do About It)
30th January is Parent & Carer Mental Health Day. It’s so important that we take care of our mental health after kids, and this is a great reminder to pause and check in with how you’re really doing.
Do you need a break… or a bigger change to how you’re living, so you’re not always craving one?
Because mental health after having kids isn’t only about stress levels. It’s often about something which can feel harder to name – a slow shift in how you feel in yourself, and often in your relationship too.
When You’re Functioning… But You Don’t Feel Like You
From the outside, you might be doing “fine”:
- Kids (mostly) thriving
- Life admin (mostly) handled
- You’re the organiser, the calmer, the one who holds it all together
But inside, something feels off.
Maybe it looks like standing in the kitchen after bedtime, tidying up in silence. And once you’re done, both of you exhausted, both of you scrolling – and realising you haven’t actually connected all evening. Perhaps it feels like nothing’s wrong enough to name, but you don’t feel close either.
Maybe you’re not your happiest, most relaxed self – and it’s particularly noticeable around your partner. You’re quicker to snap. More irritated. More distant. Or you feel lonely even when you’re technically not alone.
At this point, parents sometimes ask themselves, “what’s wrong with me?”
Often, it’s more helpful to look at what’s been lost in the process of becoming parents.
Mental Health After Having Kids: The 3 Losses That Affect So Many Parents
For many parents (and very commonly for mums), what impacts mental health after having kids most isn’t just stress.
Parenthood is truly life-changing, and alongside the many gains, there is often a feeling of loss of:
- Self – who you were before you became “Mum” or “Dad”
- Equality – feeling like the manager of family life, not an equal partner
- Intimacy – emotional and physical closeness that used to feel easier
None of this happens because you’re ungrateful, but because big parts of you are no longer getting expressed or met.
1) Loss of self (identity)
Loss of your sense of self can sound dramatic, but it often looks very ordinary:
- You can’t remember what you enjoy that isn’t “useful”
- You feel flat, bored, or disconnected in a life you chose
- You’re always “on” for everyone else and rarely ask what you want
You’re functioning – but you don’t feel quite yourself.
2) Loss of equality (partnership)
Loss of equality isn’t just about who does more.
It’s the feeling that you’re:
- the default parent
- the emotional barometer
- the planner, the remember-er, the one who notices what needs doing
Even in loving relationships, this imbalance can creep in over time. And when it does, resentment often follows – a natural result of carrying too much for too long.
3) Loss of intimacy (connection)
Intimacy often changes after kids – sometimes overnight, sometimes more gradually.
And the loss isn’t only physical. It often looks like:
- less affection and warmth
- less feeling “known” by each other, and missing being seen as your whole self or outside your role in the family dynamics
- less playfulness, fun, and ease – feeling more like housemates than lovers
- conversations focused on logistics, with less emotional connection
You might still love each other deeply – and still miss the spark you once had.
“But We’ve Tried Talking… And It Changes for a Bit, Then Slips Back”
This is something I hear a lot from parents who are self-aware and deeply invested in doing things well.
You reflect, take responsibility, maybe you’ve even done some therapy or couples work. Things improve for a while… and then, under pressure, old patterns return.
And it makes sense that things slide back if the foundation you’re operating from hasn’t truly changed.
Because often the way your life is set up hasn’t really shifted, including:
- Beliefs about what a “good parent” should sacrifice
- One parent (often Mum) feeling like it’s their job to maintain harmony in the household
- The sense that everyone else’s needs matter more than yours
And often, your relationship is the place where that disconnect feels clearest – but it isn’t the whole story.
Parent & Carer Mental Health Day: A Different Kind of Question
This Parent & Carer Mental Health Day, instead of asking:
“How can I cope better?”
What if you asked:
- How do I actually feel right now – lost, resentful, lonely, numb, flat? – and what might that be trying to tell me?
- Where do I feel most “not myself” lately?
- Where might I have outgrown the ways I’ve been living?
The feelings that come up as you sit with these questions can be uncomfortable – but they can also provide incredibly useful information about what you need next.
What If These Feelings Are Signals, Not Verdicts?
If you relate to this feeling of loss of sense of self, equality, and intimacy, that’s most likely a sign that you’re ready for some kind of change.
To think further about that, you might gently ask yourself:
- Which parts of me feel like they’ve disappeared?
- Where do I feel least like an equal?
- Where do I feel most unseen?
- Is there anything I’ve been telling myself I “shouldn’t” need?
And then the key question:
What would it look like to take those needs more seriously?
How to Support Your Mental Health After Having Kids (Without Waiting for Everything to Calm Down)
You don’t need a complete life overhaul to begin feeling better – but you might need some honesty.
Here are a few starting points that can create real movement:
- Name the real feeling. Not “I’m fine”, but “I feel lonely”, “I feel resentful”, “I feel lost”.
- Identify the loss underneath it. Is this about self, equality, intimacy – or a mix?
- Choose one small change that honours you. Something that brings you back to yourself, even briefly.
- Practise asking for what you need without apology. You don’t need to get this perfect, but a little more openness can go a long way.
And if you’re thinking, “Yes… but my partner won’t change”, here’s something I want you to know:
You don’t have to wait for your partner to change before you start changing your experience.
The connection you crave starts with you – with how you listen to yourself, and with the recognition that taking care of yourself is a vital part of your role as a parent.
Final Thoughts: Mental Health After Having Kids Isn’t About Coping Better With What Isn’t Working
Thanks to teenage mental health charity Stem4 for starting Parent & Carer Mental Health Day. In their own words:
“Looking after your own mental health as a parent or carer is vital, both for you, and for the young people in your care.”
Parent & Carer Mental Health Day isn’t about becoming more resilient so you can tolerate more of what’s not working for you.
It’s an invitation to take your feelings and needs seriously again.
You’re allowed to say: “Something in me needs to change.” And what better way to mark Parent & Carer Mental Health Day than to honour that?
Want Support With This?
I’m Catherine – BACP accredited therapist and relationship transformation coach for parents. I help parents who feel lost, resentful, or disconnected after having kids to work on themselves, so their relationships (and lives) can change from the inside out.
If you’d like to explore working with me, either solo or together with your partner, you’re welcome to get in touch. Tell me a little about what’s been feeling hard, and what you want to be different.