Maternal mental health therapist Catherine Topham Sly shares her personal story of struggling during pregnancy, finding support through therapy, and starting to feel like herself again. She also shares what mums are telling her behind closed doors, and why your relationship matters more than you think for maternal wellbeing.
Maternal Mental Health: My Story of Struggle, Support and Starting to Feel Like Myself Again
What pregnancy, an identity crisis, and therapy taught me about becoming a mother – and finding my voice again
The theme for Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week 2025 is Your Voice, Your Strength. Supporting mums through the highs, lows, and identity shifts of parenthood is one of the deepest motivators behind my work as a therapist – because when mothers feel supported and emotionally safe, the whole family thrives.
This year, I want to use my voice to share three things:
- My own story of getting support with my mental health when I was pregnant with my second child
- Some of what I hear from the mums I support as a therapist and relationship coach for parents
- A message for the dads – because your relationship matters more than you might realise
My Perinatal Mental Health Story: What I Learned from Asking for Help
My eldest was sixteen months when we decided to start trying for a second child.
I had plans to start training as a therapist, and it seemed to make sense to have the baby first if I could. My husband and I both liked the idea of a small age gap, for our children and for ourselves. And we were lucky: I got pregnant within the first few months. I was pleased, and excited for life to keep moving forwards. (I was always in a bit of a rush back then, I didn’t know how to slow down yet.)
I had a bleed early on, and a difficult few days’ wait, but the baby turned out to be fine.
The sonographer said there might have been a second one, but when I repeated it, she said she couldn’t be sure. I think she wanted me to leave feeling joy, not loss. And I did feel joy. But I also felt shaken. Fragile. I was still recovering from the five days I’d spent in hospital with my daughter a few months earlier, while they tried to work out why she was so very sick. She was better now, but I was starting to realise that I wasn’t.
Before I could apply for my counselling diploma, I had to complete a couple of short courses.
Working as a childminder and taking care of my toddler while pregnant, I was pretty exhausted. But it felt good to be doing something for me. The tutor had us journaling, and it poured out of me. So many feelings about life since I became a mother. That hospital stay had changed me, and I didn’t know how to process it. Once the course finished, I felt lost. Tearful, overwhelmed, confused, and so much more aware of how much I worried about what other people thought of me.
But I knew what I needed: someone to talk to.
I found a wonderful local low-cost counselling service and, at six months pregnant, I started therapy. Getting to sessions when I had a toddler wasn’t easy, and it was even harder when I carried on after the baby was born. But I needed it more than ever. I was getting recurrent mastitis (again!), and you can’t just lie in bed feeding and resting when you’ve got a toddler who’s really struggling with becoming a big sister. Even with a good support network (and I had one), so much mothering happens alone. I felt like I was drowning.
So we made it work. And honestly, it kept me sane.
Every week, my husband looked after both girls, even when our youngest was just two weeks old – and that was so good for us all too. It was hard, but it was worth it. I needed space to think and feel. To process how motherhood had impacted my identity, my place in my family, my friendships. My values had changed. My goals. My marriage. Everything looked different, and I needed help making sense of it all.
My counsellor was kind, calm, and wise. Her insight gave me a new perspective on my life and relationships.
Gradually, I started to feel like I knew who I was again. I felt more accepting of myself, and more confident in my choices, as an individual and – importantly – as a mother. I started to see where my anxiety about being judged came from, and then to let it go – the beginning of a work in progress. I got clearer about my boundaries and how to hold them. I was still tired, and touched out, and it was all pretty messy. But I didn’t feel quite so lost any more.
This was just the beginning for me: I still had so much to learn about how to truly thrive, both in motherhood and in my relationship.
But I wanted to share this story for Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week for two reasons. One: therapists are people too, and most of us do this work because we have our own stories of pain and healing. And two: if you’re struggling, please don’t wait. You deserve support. And you can feel better.
What Mums Are Telling Me (But Struggling to Say Out Loud)
I’ll never take for granted what a huge privilege it is to do my work as a therapist.
To be trusted by my clients to walk alongside them, especially in their most tender moments.
Never do I feel that more than when I’m working with mums who are finding their voice.
These are some of the things mums are telling me, that they’re often struggling to share with their partners:
- “He says he wants me back… but I don’t even know who I am any more.”
- “I’m the one carrying the emotional load of the entire f*cking family.”
- “I love him. But I’m starting to resent him. And I don’t know what to do with that.”
- “We used to talk for hours. Now we just fight over who’s more tired.”
- “Motherhood changed me… and my marriage hasn’t kept up.”
- “Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off parenting alone.”
- “I don’t want to leave him. But I don’t want this either.”
- “I’m realising my relationship worked for the old me.”
If you relate, you can find out more about relationship coaching and therapy (solo or together) here.
Rediscovering Yourself in Motherhood and Your Relationship
Matrescence – the process of becoming a mother – is an enormous transition.
Most new mums go through a phase of feeling like they don’t know who they are any more.
And when you lose your sense of self, it’s natural to question everything – including your relationship, and what is or isn’t working.
It’s normal to miss the old you.
The days when you could finish a coffee, a conversation, even a sentence.
It’s normal to miss the way you and your partner used to talk more, laugh more, touch more. (Even if being touched is the last thing you want right now, you might still miss feeling close.)
Parenthood changes us, and it often takes a little while for our relationships to catch up.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is broken.
It probably means that you need some things about it to change.
And to get there, you might need a little help finding your voice.
Because it’s true: your voice is your strength.
To the Dads: Your Relationship Affects Her Mental Health
If there’s one thing I want to tell dads this Maternal Mental Health Awareness week, it’s this: Your relationship seriously affects your partner’s mental health, probably more than you think.
If you want the mother of your children to be okay, you need to take your relationship seriously.
When you’re raising kids together, your relationship with their mum has the biggest impact on her wellbeing. Teamwork with you is what she needs to thrive. And when she does, your children will too.
A strong partnership with you gives her something to lean on. It helps her feel safe, supported, and seen. It makes it easier to cope with stress, and ask for whatever she needs.
When your relationship feels strained, she carries more: more emotional labour, more mental load, more pressure, feeling like she has to hold it all together on her own.
You don’t have to be perfect. But if she’s carrying the family’s needs in her head, and you’re still asking “What do you need me to do?” that’s a sign something’s not working.
Partnership means stepping up before she burns out. Noticing what needs doing. Taking responsibility. Being her teammate.
When your relationship is strong, she’ll feel calmer and more confident. There will be more smiles, more joy, more laughter. And the kids will feel it too.
So here’s what you can do, to support your partner’s mental health: Ask her how she’s really doing. Take something off her plate. Tell her and show her that you see her, love her, and you’re in it together. Find ways to do this every day.
Because your relationship matters more than you think.
A Final Word: Support Is Out There, and You Deserve It
Mums: you don’t have to do this alone.
If you’re reading this and some part of you recognises the overwhelm, the questioning, or the feeling of disconnection from your sense of self… I want you to know: support is out there.
Whether it’s through therapy, coaching, or just speaking honestly to someone you trust, things can change. You don’t have to keep carrying it all alone. Your mental health matters – not just for your children, but for you. You deserve to feel heard, supported, and like yourself again.
Please don’t wait. Use your voice. It’s not asking too much, and you’re not alone.
If you’re looking for help with your relationship, or even just some advice about how to get support with your mental health, you can contact me here.
You can also join the mailing list to stay updated with more insights and tips for nurturing your relationship while raising children together.
More From Catherine Topham Sly, Maternal Mental Health Therapist
This post was written by Catherine Topham Sly, maternal mental health therapist specialising in relationships after kids. If you found this helpful and want more support with motherhood and mental health, you might also like:
- To Boost Your Mental Health as a Mum, Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Partner
- 12 Self-Care Tips For Struggling Mums
- Postnatal Mental Health and Wellbeing (information on the baby blues, postnatal anxiety, depression, guilt and shame)