This blog explores the impact of everyday interactions on relationships after having kids. It highlights the importance of being responsive to your partner’s bids for connection, addresses the consequences of being unresponsive or snappy, and offers practical tips for building emotional closeness and improving communication, especially when tensions run high.

 

Improving Your Relationship After Kids: The Impact of Everyday Interactions

 

Maintaining a strong and healthy relationship after having kids can be challenging. Do you ever find yourself getting snappy with your partner, or ignoring them altogether when they speak? The ways we respond to our partners in everyday moments can significantly impact the long-term health of our relationships. In this blog post, we’ll explore the importance of being responsive to your partner, how to handle bids for connection, and the potential consequences of neglecting these small but crucial interactions. Finally, we’ll offer practical tips for fostering connection, and strategies for navigating rough patches in your relationship.

 

The Small Habit With A Big Impact

 

Picture the scene: your partner asks – in a direct or indirect way – for your attention.

They might speak to you, ask you a question, or reach out to touch you. They may hold out something for you to take or simply look at you.

Maybe they call you on the phone, or send you a text.

We call it attention; what we mean is connection.

It’s probably obvious that responding to these bids for connection is good for your relationship, but it’s easy to miss just how much these moments matter to your overall sense of closeness.

 

Recognising Bids For Connection

 

When you call your partner’s name, you’ll be hoping to hear “yes?”

When you look at them, you’ll appreciate it when they smile.

Asking them a question naturally means you want a response.

These things are probably obvious. But Gottman Institute research has found that your desire for a response, and the micro-moment of connection that follows, are incredibly powerful forces in your relationship. In fact, these tiny interactions matter much more over time than big gestures, like gifts, holidays, or date nights.

 

The Benefits Of Responsiveness

 

Responding to your partner when they want your attention is relatively easy.

Being responsive like this doesn’t always mean doing what they want.

It just means not ignoring them, and coming from a generally positive place.

It’s a small habit which has a big impact.

It doesn’t take much time or energy, and it builds a culture of positivity in your relationship.

Remember to look for opportunities to be responsive to your partner even – or especially! – when you’re not getting on well.

The sense of connection it brings will help you to turn things around.

 

The Consequences Of Missing Bids For Connection

 

We’re obviously not going to catch every word, look, or touch that comes our way.

We usually let our partner’s bids for connection go unanswered when we’re doing something on autopilot, deep in thought, or otherwise preoccupied and not paying attention to what’s going on around us.

These days, it mostly happens when we’re on our phones.

 

Unintentional Neglect And Its Effects

 

Missing each other like this isn’t intended to be mean, but it does hurt.

Think of how your kids behave when they can’t get your attention.

They can make some pretty desperate attempts to get us to respond to them, to alleviate their feelings of rejection or abandonment.

Your partner probably doesn’t jump up and down, whine and pull on your clothes! But that doesn’t mean they don’t feel similarly when you ignore them, even when it’s not deliberate.

Think about how invisible you feel when they stare into their phone when you’re speaking to them.

You might relate to how Anna Jae puts it,

“You’re ignoring me so loud that it’s deafening.”

Guess what? This is not good for our relationships!

In fact, research has found that – when it happens a lot – it creates a sense of disconnection which can be as damaging as frequent arguing or even an affair.

 

The Role Of Technology In Disconnection

 

If you do one thing to improve your relationship, start with this: be more responsive.

Make more effort to notice when your partner wants your attention. And see it as an opportunity to connect with them.

It will build trust and emotional closeness.

And this is what leads to physical closeness, by the way. So put your phone down for a closer connection and a better sex life!

And one last tip: move your phone charger out of the bedroom to minimise distractions during those precious times when it’s just you and your partner, alone together.

 

Getting Snappy With Your Partner: Dealing With Irritability In Your Relationship

 

Even worse than ignoring your partner when they seek your attention is turning against them.

When your partner calls your name, do you ever find yourself getting snappy with your partner, e.g. irritably replying “what!!”?

 

Recognising And Addressing Irritable Responses

 

We all get grumpy sometimes. But when someone is irritable with us, it’s hard not to take it personally.

Even if your partner looks your way and you deliberately look away, it can be surprisingly damaging. This is because eye contact is a very powerful signifier that we are acceptable and accepted.

Little moments like these hurt.

They create distance between couples, and increase conflict.

 

Strategies For Improved Communication

 

If you find yourself responding to your partner in a negative way: stop, take responsibility, and ask yourself what is going on with you, or between the two of you.

You’ll probably want to apologise first.

Then take a breath, notice how you’re feeling, and think about what you need.

When we feel irritable, it’s a sign that something is up.

It might be that your boundaries have been crossed, or your expectations have not been met.

Perhaps you’ve been feeling resentful.

You might need to set a limit, or renegotiate your expectations.

Share what’s on your mind with you with your partner, speaking from your own experience, and being as clear as possible about your needs.

“When … happens, I feel … because I need … Would you be willing to…?”

Click here for more on how to use nonviolent communication to communicate your feelings and needs.

We have to take responsibility for the attitude we bring to our partners.

As Steven Magee puts it,

“Kisses, not hisses.”

 

From Getting Snappy With Your Partner To Strengthening Your Relationship

 

Building and maintaining a strong relationship after having kids requires intentional effort. The small, everyday interactions with your partner are what build up to become the overall health of your relationship. Let’s explore some practical tips for building emotional closeness, plus strategies to turn things around when you’re not getting along.

 

Practical Tips for Building Emotional Closeness In Your Relationship While Raising Children Together

 

1. Prioritise Quality Time Together

In the hustle and bustle of family life, it’s easy to let quality time with your partner fall by the wayside. Make regular time for the two of you, even if it starts with just a few minutes each day. This could mean having a quick cuddle before you get out of bed in the morning, or a conversation once the kids are asleep. Book a babysitter and make the effort to go out, even if you’re tired. When you’re feeling more connected, you’re less likely to get snappy with your partner.

 

2. Practice Active Listening

When your partner speaks to you, make an effort to listen actively. This means putting away distractions, making eye contact, and showing genuine interest in what they’re saying. Active listening not only makes your partner feel heard and valued, but also deepens your understanding, and therefore empathy, towards each other.

 

3. Express Appreciation and Gratitude

Small gestures of appreciation can go a long way in building emotional closeness. Make the effort to acknowledge and thank your partner for the things they do, even if you have to start small. A simple “thank you” or an appreciative text will help your partner feel loved and respected, which will bring out the best in them.

 

4. Engage in Physical Affection

Physical touch is a powerful way to convey love and connection. Simple acts like holding hands, hugging, or a gentle touch on the shoulder can help maintain physical and emotional intimacy. Make it a habit to show physical affection daily.

 

5. Communicate Openly and Honestly

Open and honest communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Encourage your partner to open up to you and build your bond by asking open-ended questions. Honest communication helps resolve misunderstandings, which is vital to feeling close again.

 

How to Turn Things Around When You’re Getting Snappy With Your Partner And Not Getting Along

 

1. Acknowledge the Issue

The first step in turning things around when you’re not getting on well is acknowledging there’s an issue. This isn’t always easy, but remember that ignoring or denying problems will likely lead to further disconnection. If you find yourself snapping at your partner frequently, it’s likely time to have an open conversation about what’s happening between you. Approach the situation from a positive angle, telling your partner how much you want to understand and resolve your underlying issues, and get on better.

 

2. Take Responsibility for Your Actions

If you want to get along well, it’s essential to take responsibility for your actions, and be open to understanding their impact on your partner. If you’ve been unresponsive or irritable, do you find it difficult to own up to it and apologise? Taking responsibility shows maturity and a commitment to improving the relationship, which will mean a lot to your partner.

 

3. Practice Patience and Empathy

When tensions are high, practising patience and empathy can make a significant difference. Try to understand your partner’s perspective and emotions. When you take an empathetic approach, it will help you to reduce conflict and build emotional closeness.

 

4. Take A Break If Things Get Heated

Sometimes, a temporary break can be much more beneficial than continuing your discussion. If a conversation with your partner is becoming tense or turning into an argument, suggest taking a timeout. This gives both of you a chance to cool down, reflect, and approach the situation with a clearer mind.

 

5. Focus on Solutions, Not Blame

Shifting the focus from blame to finding solutions can help resolve conflicts more effectively. Work together to identify practical steps to address the issues at hand. This collaborative approach reinforces the idea that you are a team working towards a common goal. (So it’s not “you against me”, it’s “you and me against the problem”!)

 

6. Reconnect Through Shared Activities

Engaging in activities that you both enjoy can help rebuild your connection. This could be anything from cooking a meal together, playing a game, or going on the kind of date you used to enjoy before kids. Shared activities create positive experiences and help remind you of what attracted you to each other, and the fun you’ve had together over the years.

 

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed

If conflicts persist and you’re finding it hard to resolve them on your own, seeking professional help can be very beneficial. Working with a couples therapist or relationship coach who understands the challenges of raising children together can help you gain valuable insights about your situation, and give you the tools you need to navigate the challenges of maintaining your relationship and strengthen your bond.

By incorporating these practical tips and strategies, you can build a stronger, more connected relationship with your partner, even amid the challenges of parenting. Remember, it’s the small, consistent efforts that make the biggest difference in the long run.

 

Moving Forwards: From Snappy With Your Partner To Happy In Your Relationship

 

In relationships, especially after having kids, the small moments matter more than we realise. By being responsive to your partner’s bids for connection and addressing irritability with understanding and care, you can foster a stronger, more connected relationship. Remember, it’s the everyday interactions that build a foundation of trust and intimacy. Take the time to be present, put down your phone, and invest in your relationship. Over time, you’ll come to feel the benefits in every aspect of your life together.

Remember, getting snappy with your partner can be a sign of deeper issues in your relationship. If you’re struggling to make the improvements suggested in this blog post on your own, please don’t hesitate to reach out for further support. You can find out more about relationship coaching and therapy here, and contact relationships after kids expert Catherine Topham Sly here. You can also join the mailing list for free expert advice on relationships after kids here.