There are four toxic communication styles – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – which can particularly damage relationships, especially after having kids. Read practical advice on how to recognise and transform these harmful patterns, improve communication, and foster a more supportive and positive partnership, modelling healthier interactions for your children.
Challenges In Your Relationship While Parenting: Overcoming Toxic Communication Styles
After children come along, one of the biggest challenges couples struggle with is communication. Having kids together means making far more joint decisions, so it’s natural that you’ll have more disagreements. Having differences is completely normal – what really matters is how you approach them, and there are certain communication styles which can be particularly harmful. This blog post explores the four main toxic communication styles identified by relationship research: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. It also offers some practical advice on how you can transform these patterns, to cultivate a healthier, more supportive relationship with your partner while raising children together.
Have you found yourself arguing more with your partner since having kids? You’re not alone. Studies show that over 60% of couples experience increased conflict post-children. Understanding and addressing toxic communication styles can transform your relationship and restore a sense of peace to your family home.
The 4 Main Toxic Communication Styles in Relationships After Kids
If you want to have a great relationship with your partner while raising your children, there are four main ways of communicating that you’ll really want to avoid.
These are the communication styles that research has found to be the most damaging to couples’ connection over time: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Pretty much every relationship features at least one or two of these from time to time, so if yours does, you’re not alone.
However, communicating in these ways is a habit. And the good news is that habits like these can be changed, when you learn and practise some new skills.
Let’s look at how you can build healthier, more satisfying communication habits – for yourself, your partner, and to model for your children too.
Toxic Communication Style 1: Criticism – Turning Harsh Words and Critical Remarks into Constructive Conversations
Criticism is probably the most common of the four toxic communication styles.
So it can be a bit of a shock to hear what the relationship research has found: chronic criticism seriously damages relationships.
But the good news is that it’s not particularly difficult to notice when you’re being critical and change the habit, and it will really improve your connection with your partner when you do.
Put yourselves in your partner’s shoes for a minute. Imagine the person you love saying negative things about you, pointing out (perceived) personality flaws, blaming when things go wrong… how does it feel? (It feels terrible.)
When people get criticised too much, they start to feel like there’s something wrong with them.
And they don’t feel good about the person who’s criticised them, either.
So what should you do instead when a critical thought pops into your head?
If you feel like (or start to hear yourself) criticising your partner, stop, take a minute, and think about what’s really going on for you.
When we feel like blaming our partners for something, it’s usually because our needs are not getting met.
As Marshall B. Rosenberg described,
“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”
Criticising your partner won’t get you any closer to getting those needs met.
It will just make your partner feel self-conscious, unappreciated, and defensive – getting you both nowhere.
So take a breath, and think for a minute about how you’re feeling and what you need.
Are you just in a bad mood or feeling insecure? What can you do to meet your own needs?
If you’re feeling okay in yourself and have a genuine complaint, share it with your partner when you’re both feeling calm.
Tell them “When x happens I feel y, because I need z”.
Then ask them “Would you be willing to…?” – and be open to hearing their response. Because a request like this is often just the start of a negotiation.
You can read more about how to ask for what you need constructively here.
Toxic Communication Style 2: Defensiveness – How To Stay Open During Conflict
The second toxic communication style which deeply damages relationships is defensiveness.
We all know defensiveness when we see it, whether it’s denying responsibility, or counter-attacking. (“No YOU’RE the problem!”)
We all get defensive sometimes, when we feel blamed or attacked, and like we need to protect ourselves.
But chronic defensiveness is as damaging to you as an individual as it is to your relationship.
When we’re not open to taking things on board, we miss opportunities to learn and grow.
When you find yourself feeling defensive: stop, take a minute, and ask yourself whether there might be a grain of truth in what your partner is saying.
Maybe they’re not expressing it in the ideal way, but could there be something in it?
When you look at things from their perspective, can you understand what’s bothering them?
Is there anything you can take responsibility for?
Anything you might apologise for?
And if you’re reading this thinking “but my partner is so defensive, what can I do about it?!” check whether you’re being more critical than you realise. Defensiveness is a natural response when we feel like we’re getting criticised.
Toxic Communication Style 3: Contempt – Moving From Resentment to Contentment And Respect
When couples get stuck in a cycle of criticism and defensiveness, sooner or later contempt sets in.
You might get sarcastic, start taking the p***, rolling your eyes, or even calling your partner names.
If you’re talking down to your partner, or putting them down, that’s contempt.
It’s insulting, and can become abusive because of how it attacks the person’s sense of self.
We all get fed up with our partners sometimes, or think we know better than them about one thing or another.
But watch how you deal with it when you do.
None of us is perfect, but we all deserve respect.
If you find yourself feeling or expressing contempt for your partner, it’s time to practise some gratitude.
Make a conscious effort to pay attention to the things you love and appreciate about your partner.
Look for the good in them and the things they do.
Work on expressing that appreciation more.
And make these thanks and compliments as specific as possible, because those are felt to be the most genuine and meaningful.
If contempt has become a regular feature of your relationship, take it as a warning sign that your relationship is in trouble and needs some serious attention. Professional help such as relationship coaching or couples counselling can support you to turn things around, and the sooner you go, the easier it will be.
(If you need help with an abusive situation, you can call Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247 or Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.)
Toxic Communication Style 4: Stonewalling – Recognising Withdrawal And Breaking Down Barriers
When relationships aren’t going well, and criticism, defensiveness, and contempt have become regular features, it’s really stressful.
Sometimes is gets so stressful that one or both partners shuts down on each other completely.
When you completely withdraw from interaction with your partner, we call that stonewalling.
Sometimes stonewalling can be used as a coercive controlling behaviour, often alongside isolation and intimidation. If this resonates, your relationship may have become abusive, so please seek support. (You can call Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247 or Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.)
However, most cases of stonewalling happen as a way of cutting out sensory stimulation when feeling attacked or overwhelmed.
When someone’s stonewalling, usual signs of engagement like eye contact and nodding disappear, and they sometimes go completely quiet.
It might look like the silent treatment, or saying “I’m fine” when you’re really not.
It can be really frustrating for the other partner when a person stonewalls, but it’s important to recognise that in most cases they’re doing it because they feel completely overwhelmed and don’t know what else to do.
Stonewalling is a way of trying to calm yourself down so you can think straight again.
It’s important that you listen to that instinct (or let your partner listen to it if they stonewall you) and take a break.
Take at least 20 minutes to yourself, and spend the time doing something soothing and distracting.
If you notice yourself start ruminating about how out of order your partner is, remind yourself that your objective right now is to calm yourself down so that you can get back to a more constructive place.
Improving Communication With Your Partner While Raising Children Together – Transform Your Communication And Enrich Your Family Life
Communication is key to maintaining a healthy relationship after having children, and for many couples that starts with recognising and addressing toxic communication styles. When you understand how harmful criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling can be, hopefully you feel motivate to actively work to transform them. By doing this, you can significantly improve your connection, and feel the peace of knowing you’re modelling healthy communication for your children.
Remember, communication habits can be changed with conscious effort and patience, and will eventually become habits which come much more naturally. I hope you’ve found these strategies to shift from harmful interactions to supportive and constructive communication helpful. If you need more guidance or want to deepen your understanding, please don’t hesitate to get in touch about working together – with our without your partner’s involvement.
If you found this helpful, you can also join the mailing list to stay updated with more insights and tips for nurturing your relationship while raising children.