How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner

How to deal with resentment towards your partner – it’s a question many of us ask at some point, especially after becoming parents. In fact, it’s more common than most people expect. Resentment can feel uncomfortable to admit, let alone talk about. But it’s a natural response when your life has changed more than your partner’s and the way you’re dividing your roles and responsibilities feels unfair.

You might notice it in small moments. A comment that lands badly. The dishwasher being loaded “wrong”. That feeling of doing more, holding more, or caring more – and not quite being met in the same way.

If you’ve been wondering how to deal with resentment towards your partner, you’re in the right place. This post will help you to think about what’s really going on underneath, and to understand what actually helps.

The Poison of Resentment: Recognising and Understanding the Emotion

You’ve probably heard the famous line (attributed variously) that “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

This idea makes sense, because if resentment is left to build – turning into seething or ranting without managing to change anything – it can become corrosive.

However, resentment is a feeling like any other, and feelings are messengers about needs.

Resentment is the feeling of bitter indignation that we experience when things feel unfair.

It’s natural to feel angry or annoyed when things don’t feel fair!

In fact, the physical sensations in our bodies that we recognise as resentment are how we know something isn’t right.

They’re how we know that something needs to change.

So next time you feel resentful, try not to judge the emotion.

Ask yourself this instead: what do I need?

How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner: Addressing Your Needs – Shifting Focus and Practicing Gratitude

When we’re feeling resentful, we usually feel like someone else is getting a better deal than us.

So what do you need, to redress the balance?

The answer might not be obvious straight away. Perhaps you just know something feels off, like you’re doing more than your share, or giving more than you’re getting back.

Often one or both partners get stuck, thinking “it’s alright for you”, focusing on what their partner is or isn’t doing or getting.

When you shift the focus to what YOU want and need – and practice gratitude for what you have – things start to look different.

It can help to think about it like this: if you were getting what you needed and wanted, would you feel resentful of your partner getting what they need and want?

Each of us is responsible for our own happiness, even though it doesn’t always feel that simple.

Of course, there are limits on time, money etc. – especially when we have young children – so we can’t always all get what we want, at least not at the same time.

The causes of resentment can’t always be fixed overnight.

But thinking of resentment as poison won’t help you; feeling the emotion and acknowledging what it’s there to tell you will.

Then you can work out what you need to relieve it. (My free 7-step action plan out of resentment and short course The Contented Relationship Guide can help with that.)

Differences and Disagreements: Do They Fuel Resentment?

“If I were to air how I feel… the worst thing that could happen would be to bring my ‘war’ out into the open where it could be waged more intelligently. And we might even come to a better understanding…” – Perls, Hefferline & Goodman

Sometimes resentment builds up when we’ve been struggling to deal with differences in opinions, expectations, or how we each approach important matters like parenting.

Ideally, both partners would feel free to say what they think and feel. But when you’re not confident that you’ll be able to either reach a place of genuine agreement or agree to disagree, this can difficult.

Do you or your partner ever sulk, withdraw, get offended, pretend to agree just to keep the peace, or brush issues under the carpet?

Being two different people with different coping styles can be hard sometimes!

You might worry about the differences between you, ask for lots of reassurance that you’re okay, or even try to mould yourself to fit what you think your partner wants from you.

Or maybe you get caught up in arguments about who’s “right” and who’s “wrong”, neither of you feeling heard.

How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner: Learning To Face Our Differences For A Healthier Relationship

The trouble with avoiding conflict – or repeating patterns of highly escalated conflict – is that disagreements are actually good for us!

As long as we air them in ways which respect each other’s opinions, desires, and responsibilities, differences in our points of view keep a relationship alive, and both partners growing.

Strong feelings of either – or both – guilt and resentment can be a sign that you’re struggling with differences between you and your partner internally, instead of getting them out in the open.

Resentment creeps in when we’re not being fully open with each other about our wants and needs – or not staying with it long enough to get to meaningful change.

It sometimes happens when we’re afraid to let each other see our whole selves, with our whole range of desires (including ones which are inconvenient to our partners).

You’re two different people, so of course you have differences, and they’re going to present challenges.

Do you want to know how to deal with resentment towards your partner? Part of learning to deal with it is finding a way to share how you feel, and what you want and need. It’s a skill to do this constructively, and with confidence that your feelings, wants and needs are as valid as your partner’s.

Another part of the process is to ask them how they feel and what they want and need, with the same openness to hearing about it and taking it seriously that you want from them.

To be truly close, we have to be authentic and open, including to our differences.

If you want to work on this, talking with a relationship therapist can help.

The Dangers Of Being Agreeable

“Resentment. It’s the consequence of our own agreeableness, anger stuck in a loop. It’s the hatred we suppress when we are forbidden to give voice to the ways we are hurt or humiliated or frustrated.” – Tiffany Watt Smith

Tiffany Watt Smith goes on to describe resentment as “an emotion which ‘seethes’ and is ‘buried’. And is harboured by lurkers and keyhole-listeners, who aren’t brave enough to show their true feelings, but take a perverse sort of pleasure in feeling hard-done-by, by not wanting to tell others what the problem is lest it be resolved.”

It can feel a bit uncomfortable to read something like that – especially when you’re already trying your best.

It feels at risk of blaming or shaming to me, but worth taking on board and thinking through.

Are you brave enough to show your true feelings in your relationship?

What might hold you back?

The parents I work with don’t seem to take much pleasure in feeling hard-done-by.

When they come to me, they’re usually struggling to understand what exactly what is happening between them in their more difficult moments. Battling to explain them to each other. And making efforts to resolve them, then getting frustrated when things slip back.

How Trying To SuppressResentment Keeps You Feeling Stuck

Tiffany Watt Smith goes on to tell us how Nietzsche described resentment as “an emotion obsessed with compensation rather than action”.

That reminded me of Perls, Hefferline and Goodman saying that;

“Guilt is the self-punitive, vindictive attitude toward oneself when one assumes responsibility… resentment is the demand that the other person feel guilty.”

How does that sit with you?

Do you want your partner to feel guilty? (It’s a difficult question, but might be an important one to sit with.)

Or do you want action?

Change?

The question is: what keeps you agreeable?

What stops you from giving voice to the ways in which you feel hurt, or humiliated, or frustrated?

If you want to know how to deal with resentment towards your partner, the answer might be on the other side of those questions.

It can be difficult to talk about these feelings, especially if you’ve been getting caught up in repeated patterns of conflict or withdrawal. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch if you would like my support with that.

How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner: Strategies For A Healthier Relationship

Resentment isn’t the problem – it’s a sign.

If you’re feeling resentful towards your partner, it usually means something important needs attention. Perhaps it’s a need that hasn’t been expressed, a difference that hasn’t been worked through, or a dynamic that no longer feels okay for you.

Learning how to deal with resentment towards your partner isn’t about suppressing the feeling or just trying to think more positively. It’s about understanding what’s underneath it, and finding ways to respond that create more balance and connection.

If parts of this felt familiar, that awareness could be the beginning of something changing for you.

But remember, resentment is a complex emotion, and relationships are complicated too. You don’t have to figure this all out alone.

If you found this article about how to deal with resentment towards your partner helpful, you might like to check out these further resources:

• How To Resolve Resentment In Relationships: Tackling Shared Responsibilities
• Is It Normal To Resent Your Partner After Having A Baby?
• The Contented Relationship Guide, my short course all about how to go from resentment to contentment

You can also click here to join my mailing list, or click here to get in touch.

The post How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner: Understanding And Overcoming Resentment appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Navigating Resentment in Relationships After Having a Baby

Entering parenthood is a life-altering experience. It can bring immense joy – and it also places relationships under pressure in ways many couples don’t expect. One common struggle faced by new parents is resentment towards their partner. Resentment after having a baby often creeps in quietly, building through exhaustion, unspoken expectations, and the relentless mental load of daily life.

In fact, when I asked on Instagram, 96% of you said you struggle with resentment. So is it normal to resent your partner after having a baby? Does it matter if you do? What does resentment actually mean – beyond “I’m annoyed with you”? And what can you do about it?

In this blog post, we’ll explore whether it’s normal to resent your partner after having a baby, the difference between occasional and chronic resentment, and the consequences of accepting resentment as “just part of parenthood”. We’ll also look at how resentment can be understood as useful information – a sign that important needs are going unmet – and how that understanding can become the starting point for real change.

Is It Normal to Feel Resentment Towards Your Partner After Having A Baby?

Yes!

It’s normal to feel the full spectrum of emotions – especially during the early months and years of parenthood.

It’s normal to feel angry, sad, surprised, afraid, overwhelmed, disconnected, happy… often all in the same day.

Resenting your partner after having a baby doesn’t mean you chose the wrong person, that your relationship is broken, or that you’re not coping. It usually means you’re stretched thin, carrying a lot, and trying to adapt to a huge identity and lifestyle shift.

The Difference Between Occasional and Chronic Resentment

Here’s where this question really matters:

There’s a difference between having moments of resentment and living in a state of chronic resentment.

(By chronic, I mean persistent, recurring, and unresolved.)

Occasional resentment is human. Chronic resentment is a sign that something important has been left unspoken, unsupported, or unchanged for too long.

You’re far more likely to get stuck in resentment if you accept it as a normal and inevitable part of life after kids – if you tell yourself, “This is just how relationships are once you become parents.”

When people say, “It’s normal to resent your partner after having a baby”, this can turn into a limiting belief.

A limiting belief is anything you accept as true that keeps you stuck.

So yes, it’s normal to feel resentful sometimes, especially after having a baby.

But resentment isn’t something to ignore or tolerate. It’s a messenger about your needs.

The Consequences of Accepting Resentment as Normal: The Impact on Your Relationship and Your Kids

If resentment becomes something you simply live with, both you and your partner miss out.

You miss out on closeness, ease, affection, teamwork, and feeling genuinely supported. Over time, resentment doesn’t just sit quietly in the background – it leaks out through irritation, emotional distance, reduced intimacy, or constant low-level tension.

And yes, your kids are affected too. Not because you’re doing something wrong – you’re both coping with a difficult situation the best way you know how right now – but because children absorb the emotional tone of their home.

When parents feel heard, supported, and connected, family life feels calmer and emotionally safer for everyone.

This is why resentment after having a baby matters. Not because either you or your partner is to blame, but because it’s drawing your attention to something that needs care and support.

Why Your Feelings, Including Resentment, Matter

Repeat after me: my feelings matter.

Again: MY FEELINGS MATTER!

It matters when you feel sad.

It matters when you feel happy.

It matters when you feel scared.

And yes, it matters when you feel resentful towards your partner after having a baby.

Resentment isn’t a character flaw. It’s often the emotional result of unmet needs, invisible labour, unequal responsibility, or a feeling of loss of your sense of self that hasn’t been acknowledged yet.

Taking Your Feelings Seriously

When other people (e.g. parents, caregivers, partners) have dismissed or minimised our feelings, we often learn to do the same to ourselves.

I’m not interested in blaming anyone. I’m interested in how you can get the change you need.

Most of us now understand how important it is to listen to children and take their emotions seriously.

But many adults – especially parents – are still very adept at ignoring their own.

So let me ask you gently:

How good are you at listening to yourself?

How seriously do you take your own inner experience?

Your feelings matter.

The resentment you feel matters.

Recognising Resentment as a Messenger

Feelings exist to tell us that something needs attention.

“I feel cold” = I need a jumper.

“I feel hungry” = I need food.

“I feel lonely” = I need connection.

So when you find yourself thinking, “I resent my partner since having a baby”, the real question becomes:

What needs have been going unmet for too long?

That’s where change begins – not by blaming yourself or your partner, but by getting curious, honest, and compassionate about what needs to shift.

Is It Normal To Resent Your Partner After Having A Baby? Additional Resources to Help With Resentment in Relationships

So, yes, it is normal to feel resentment towards your partner after having a baby.

But it’s not something you have to accept as permanent, inevitable, or “just how it is now”.

Resentment becomes a problem when it’s ignored, minimised, or normalised – because that’s when it erodes connection and wellbeing.

When you take resentment seriously, and treat it as information rather than a failure, it can become the starting point for a stronger, more honest, more supportive relationship.

If you want support with this, I’ve created a free guide to resolving resentment that walks you through:

• why resentment after having a baby is so common

• how to identify what’s really going on underneath it

• and the first practical steps towards change

But here’s the most important things I want you to take away: Your resentment is not the problem. Ignoring it is.

You Might Also Find Helpful:

If you found this article about whether it’s normal to feel resentment towards your partner helpful, you might like to check these out too:

• How To Resolve Resentment in Relationships: Tackling Shared Responsibilities
• How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner
• The Contented Relationship Guide – a short course on moving from resentment to contentment

You can also click here to join my mailing list, or click here to get in touch.

The post Is It Normal To Resent Your Partner After Having A Baby? Understanding And Overcoming Resentment appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Top Tips for a Happy Relationship After Kids

Parenthood changes everything. Amid the noise, the mess, and the responsibilities, it can be hard to feel like you’ve got anything left for each other at the end of the day. Most couples find it hard, but it’s absolutely possible to get back on track, and to develop a deeper connection than you had before. A happy relationship after kids can be yours – and often, it’s the small things that make the biggest difference.

Based on the incredible research of the Gottman Institute into what really makes for lasting, satisfying relationships, here are my ten top tips for a happy relationship after kids.

10 Top Tips for a Happy Relationship After Kids

1. Never think you’ve finished getting to know your partner

We’re all growing and changing all the time – especially after becoming parents. Keep asking questions, stay curious, and make space to hear about your partner’s evolving thoughts and experiences. A quick “how was your day?” is a good start, but deeper questions will help you stay emotionally connected. You can grab my free questions download here if you’re not sure where to begin.

2. Stay respectful and complimentary

It’s easy to fall into the trap of only speaking about your relationship when something’s gone wrong. Instead, look for opportunities to show affection and express appreciation – out loud. A kind word during a hectic bedtime or a quick “thanks for doing that” can really shift the atmosphere.

3. Look for the positive

Did you know that unhappy couples only notice around half of the positive things their partners do? It’s not because they don’t care – it’s just what happens when stress and resentment build up. Train yourself to notice the good – then mention it.

4. Respond to your partner

Most of the time, when your partner speaks, they’re trying to connect with you – even if it doesn’t sound like it. Turn towards them with small moments of acknowledgment, eye contact, or a “yeah?” rather than brushing them off, even when there’s a lot going on. These responses build a stronger foundation than big romantic gestures ever could. (Read more about the three ways we respond to our partners and how to make your responses more positive here.)

5. Plan quality time together

Spontaneity is lovely, but it’s not always realistic with kids. If you want to feel closer, you’ll most likely need to put time together  the diary. Even 10 minutes with your phones away having a cup of tea together can work wonders if you do it often. Bigger chunks – like a night out or a weekend away – don’t just happen. How we spend our time shows what we really prioritise, so show your partner they still matter to you by making time to be together.

6. Talk about your hopes and dreams

It’s easy for life to get taken over by logistics and laundry. Talk about what matters to you – your dreams, your fears, your goals. Ask your partner what’s important to them right now, and find ways to support each other. This is what gives your relationship a sense of shared meaning beyond the kids.

7. Let your partner’s views influence you

Happy couples aren’t the ones who always agree – they’re the ones who are open to influence. That means really listening and considering your partner’s perspective, even when you disagree. There are two sides to every miscommunication and disagreement, and both realities are valid. So if you want to get on better, prioritise understanding your partner’s feelings and position over convincing them of yours.

8. When things turn sour, repair them

It’s completely normal to have arguments or tense moments. The important part is what happens next. Don’t ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen, repair it. That might mean a heartfelt apology, a shared laugh, or a “can we try that again?” You can download my list of repair phrases here if you’re not sure where to start.

9. Work on how you handle conflict

Conflict isn’t a sign something’s wrong – it’s a sign you care. What matters is how you navigate it. That means raising issues gently, letting your partner influence you, making repair attempts, and compromising. Stay curious, and look for the values and needs underneath the surface of what your partner is saying. (They’re often shared, even when you disagree about how to get there!)

10. Strengthen your friendship

This one might sound obvious, but it’s so often overlooked. Remember: you liked each other before you loved each other! Talk, laugh, and find ways to enjoy each other again. Think about how you were when you first got together, and honour that history by staying connected as you build your life together.

Final Thoughts: What Makes a Happy Relationship After Kids?

When I reflect on these top tips for a happy relationship after kids, one thing stands out: it all comes down to treating each other with warmth, care, and curiosity. This tells your partner that they’re still someone you respect and admire.

This isn’t always easy, of course. All relationships have their dark days. And I’m not sure that any of us consistently behaves in ways that are truly worthy of admiration every single day. (I know I don’t!)

But if you want to bring out the best in your partner, it helps to remember that people have a way of living up to our expectations of them. As the brilliant Dan Savage describes,

“That’s the only way you become ‘the one’ – it’s because somebody is willing to pretend you are. ‘The one’ that they were waiting for, ‘the one’ they wanted, their ‘one’.”

When you commit to rising above those darker days and starting again from a place of generosity and understanding with each new dawn, you can build a happy relationship that will make you and your kids proud.

If you’re ready to get back on the same team and build a relationship you’re proud of – one that models love and connection for your kids – it all starts with small, intentional actions like these.

Top Tips For A Happy Relationship After Kids: Get Support

Having said all of this, my top tip for a happy relationship after kids is probably this one: if you’re not getting on, get help sooner rather than later.

You can work with me on your own or with your partner to learn the mindset and skills which happy couples use to create the kind of love they want their kids to grow up around.

You can also click here to join my mailing list for regular expert advice on relationships while parenting, and download the Back In The Sack Workbook here for support reconnecting both emotionally and physically.

The post Top 10 Tips For A Happy Relationship After Kids appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Why Small Moments Matter in Your Relationship After Kids

Maintaining a strong relationship while raising kids together can be challenging. Do you find yourself getting snappy with your partner, or being too exhausted or distracted to respond when they speak? Or perhaps you’re more bothered by your partner getting snappy or being unresponsive to you?

These small, everyday moments might not seem like a big deal in isolation, but they add up. The way you respond (or don’t respond) to your partner has a huge impact on the long-term health of your relationship.

In this post, we’ll explore how to spot and respond to bids for connection, what happens when you don’t, and how to rebuild closeness even when tensions are running high or you’re going through a rough patch.

The Simple Habit That Builds Lasting Connection

Picture the scene: your partner asks for your attention – directly or indirectly.

Maybe they speak to you, ask a question, reach out to touch you, hold something out for you to take, or simply look your way.

They might send you a text, or call you on the phone.

On the surface, they’re asking for attention – but underneath, they’re reaching for connection.

It might seem obvious that these little moments matter. But it’s easy to underestimate just how powerful your response can be when it comes to feeling close and connected.

How to Recognise Bids for Connection in Everyday Moments

When you call your partner’s name, you’re hoping they’ll answer.

When you glance their way, it feels good when they smile back.

And when you ask a question, of course you’re hoping they’ll respond.

These things might seem small, but they’re anything but insignificant.

According to decades of research by the Gottman Institute, these tiny, everyday interactions are far more important to your relationship than grand gestures like gifts, holidays, or even date nights.

Why Being Responsive Strengthens Your Relationship

Responding to your partner when they reach for you can be surprisingly simple.

Being responsive doesn’t necessarily mean giving them exactly what they want – it just means showing them they matter.

It’s about tuning in, rather than tuning out.

This one small habit can have a big emotional impact.

It doesn’t take much time or energy, but over time it builds a culture of warmth, trust, and emotional safety.

Look for opportunities to respond positively – especially when things feel tense or distant between you.

These moments of connection can free you to turn things around, by helping you both feel more secure and supported.

What Happens When You Miss Your Partner’s Bids for Connection

None of us are going to catch every word, glance, or gesture our partner sends our way – we’re human.

But when we miss their bids for connection often – especially because we’re distracted or our minds are elsewhere – it can slowly chip away at the closeness we share.

These days, it mostly happens when we’re on our phones.

Unintentional Neglect Still Hurts

Missing each other like this isn’t usually deliberate, but it still hurts.

Think about how kids behave when they can’t get your attention.

They might act out, whine, or do something wild – anything to feel noticed.

Your partner might not tug on your sleeve, but their need to feel seen and responded to isn’t so different.

And if you’ve ever tried to talk to your partner while they stare at their phone, you’ll know what it’s like to feel invisible.

As Anna Jae put it:

“You’re ignoring me so loud that it’s deafening.”

Over time, this kind of unresponsiveness builds up.

And here’s the hard truth that research has found: feeling ignored again and again can be just as damaging to a relationship as frequent arguments or even infidelity.

How Technology Can Gradually Disconnect You from Your Partner

If there’s one small shift that can make a big difference in your relationship, it’s this: be more responsive.

Make more effort to notice the moments when your partner wants your attention, and try to treat them as invitations to connect.

The more you respond with warmth and presence, the more trust and emotional intimacy you’ll build.

And that’s the stuff that makes physical intimacy easier and more enjoyable too.

So if your phone often gets more eye contact than your partner, try putting it down more often.

Even better, charge it outside the bedroom, so those precious times when it’s just you and your partner, alone together, don’t get interrupted by scrolling and notifications.

Getting Snappy With Your Partner? What That Irritability Might Be Telling You

Even more disconnecting than ignoring your partner is snapping at them when they reach for you.

When they call your name, do you ever hear yourself snapping back with an irritated “What?!”

Getting Snappy With My Partner: A Personal Perspective

I know what it’s like to get caught in this cycle with someone you love, because I went through a phase of getting snappy with my partner a lot.

For me, it was often in those everyday moments, like when my partner looked a bit fed up doing the washing up, or mentioned something about the laundry. I’d react quickly, defensively.

I didn’t get snappy with my partner because I didn’t care about him or our relationship. It was because, deep down, I was carrying this invisible pressure to “do it all”. So when he looked tired, I didn’t just see tired – I saw judgment. I saw resentment. And I felt like I was failing.

The thing is, those thoughts weren’t coming from him. They were coming from me. From the stories I’d internalised about what it meant to be a “good mum” and how much I thought I should be able to carry on my own.

Realising this was huge. Because once I understood that my snappiness with my partner was a signal, not a personality flaw, I could start treating it like a warning light – a nudge to pause and check in with myself before reacting. That one shift changed the way we communicated.

And now it’s something I help other parents learn too.

Because our kids are watching – and we want better for them too.

Recognising and Soothing Irritable Responses in Your Relationship

We all get grumpy sometimes – it’s human. But when someone’s irritable with us, it’s hard not to take it personally.

Even small things, like deliberately looking away when your partner tries to make eye contact, can sting. Eye contact is a powerful signal that we’re acceptable and accepted.

These little moments might seem minor, but they can hurt more than we realise.

And over time, they create distance and make conflict more likely.

Communication Strategies to Help You Reconnect

If you notice yourself snapping or shutting down, pause and take a moment to check in with yourself. What’s going on for you – or between you and your partner – that might be behind this reaction?

Start by taking responsibility. That might mean offering an apology, and then getting curious about how you’re feeling.

Irritability is usually a signal that something deeper needs your attention.

Maybe a boundary has been crossed. Maybe an expectation hasn’t been met. Perhaps there’s been resentment building up under the surface.

You might need to ask for something different, or clarify what’s okay with you, and what’s not.

Once you’ve tuned in to your own experience, share what’s on your mind with your partner honestly and kindly. Speak from your own experience, and be as clear as you can about your needs.

A simple formula can help: “When … happens, I feel … because I need … Would you be willing to…?”

(You can read more about using nonviolent communication here.)

Successful relationships happen between people who take responsibility for the tone, energy, and attitude they bring to each other.

As Steven Magee puts it:

“Kisses, not hisses.”

From Snappy With Your Partner to Strengthening Your Relationship After Kids

Building a strong relationship after kids doesn’t happen by accident – it takes intention, care, and consistent daily choices.

Those everyday moments – the glances, the tone, the tiny gestures – they all add up to shape how loved, seen, and safe we feel with each other.

So if you’ve been feeling disconnected or snapping more than usual, here are some practical ways to rebuild emotional closeness, plus strategies to turn things around when you’re not getting along.

Practical Tips for Building Emotional Closeness In Your Relationship While Raising Children Together

1. Prioritise Quality Time Together

When you’re juggling children, work, and everything else, it’s easy to stop prioritising each other.

Remember that small pockets of quality time can go a long way.

A cuddle before the kids wake up. A chat on the sofa once they’re in bed.

And yes, book the babysitter and go out – even if you’re tired. Especially if you’re tired!

Because the more connected you feel, the more generous and gentle you’ll be with each other. And that connection doesn’t just happen, it’s created.

2. Practise Active Listening

When your partner speaks, how often do you truly listen?

Not half-listening while scrolling. Not nodding while thinking about something else.

Active listening means putting your phone down, looking them in the eye, and showing interest in their world.

It makes your partner feel heard and important – and that deepens understanding, empathy, and closeness.

3. Express Appreciation and Gratitude

Gratitude isn’t just polite – it’s powerful.

Acknowledging what your partner does, even the little things, helps them feel appreciated and seen.

A “thank you” for doing the school run.

A message that says, “I noticed what you did earlier – it meant a lot.”

These small moments build a sense of love, respect, and emotional closeness, which will bring out the best in both of you.

4. Be Physically Affectionate

Touch is one of the simplest, most powerful ways to say “I’m here with you”.

A kiss on the cheek. A hand on the back. A hug that lingers a second longer.

These tiny moments of physical affection help maintain emotional and physical intimacy – even when life is hectic.

Make it a daily habit, even if it’s just for a moment.

5. Communicate Openly and Honestly

Open and honest communication is the lifeblood of connection.

Share what your thoughts, feelings, and concerns – even if they’re messy or hard to put into words.

Encourage your partner to open up to you, and strengthen your bond, by asking open-ended questions. Be curious, not just about what’s wrong, but about your partner’s hopes, ideas, and inner world.

Honest communication helps resolve misunderstandings, which is vital to feeling close again. And deep connection comes from feeling safe enough to be real with each other.

How to Turn Things Around When You’re Getting Snappy With Your Partner And Not Getting Along

1. Acknowledge the Issue

The first step to changing anything is noticing there’s a problem.

It’s not always easy to admit that things feel off – but ignoring issues rarely makes them go away, and will probably leave you feeling more disconnected over time.

If you find yourself snapping often, it’s likely time to have an open conversation about what’s happening between you.

Approach the situation from a positive angle, telling your partner how much you want to understand and resolve your underlying issues, and get on better.

That alone can begin to shift the dynamic.

2. Take Responsibility for Your Actions

It takes courage to say, “That wasn’t fair – I’m sorry”.

And it can be transformative: owning your part in a pattern is one of the most powerful ways to start changing it.

If you’ve been irritable or distant, acknowledge it.

It shows you’re invested in your relationship and willing to grow – and that matters more than always getting it right.

3. Practise Patience and Empathy

When things are tense, a bit of patience and empathy can make a significant difference.

Try to see the situation through your partner’s eyes.

What might they be feeling and hoping for, underneath their behaviour?

Even if you don’t agree, showing that you care about their experience helps reduce conflict and rebuild connection.

4. Take A Break If Things Get Heated

If things start escalating, press pause.

It’s okay to take a break. In fact, if a conversation with your partner is becoming tense or turning into an argument, taking a time-out its often the most responsible thing you can do – especially if children are listening.

Step away, calm down, and give yourselves space to think.

Then come back when you can talk with more clarity and kindness.

5. Focus on Solutions, Not Blame

It’s easy to fall into blame, especially when you’re hurt or overwhelmed – but blame keeps you stuck.

Try shifting the focus from “whose fault is this?” to “what can we do differently?”

Think of it as “you and me against the problem” – not “you against me”.

That change alone can make a huge difference.

6. Have Fun Together To Feel Like Teammates Again

Often when you least feel like hanging out together is when you most need it.

Sometimes the best way to feel close again is simply to have fun together.

Cook a meal, play a silly game, go on the kind of date you used to love.

Shared activities give you moments of joy and connection – and remind you of who you are as a couple, not just as co-parents.

And that can help you feel like teammates again.

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed

If things feel stuck, it’s wise to look for support.

Working with a couples therapist or relationship coach who understands what it’s like to raise kids together can make a huge difference.

You don’t need to wait for a crisis – in fact, the earlier you get help, the easier it usually is to get back on track.

There’s no shame in needing help. You’re learning new skills for a new stage of life, and that’s something to be proud of.

Moving Forwards: From Getting Snappy With Your Partner to Feeling Close Again

In all relationships, but especially after having kids, the small moments matter more than we realise. The way you respond to your partner when they reach for connection has a powerful impact on how connected and supported you both feel.

When you can respond with presence and care, even when you’re tired or stressed, you build trust and intimacy. You lay the foundations of a strong, resilient relationship. Remember, it’s the small, consistent efforts that make the biggest difference in the long run.

And when you notice you’re getting snappy with your partner or shutting down, you can choose to slow down and do something different. Repair, reconnect, and talk about what you need. Those small moments of turning toward each other are what will carry you through.

Take the time to be present, put down your phone, and invest in your relationship. Over time, you’ll come to feel the benefits in every aspect of your life together.

If you’ve been feeling stuck in a pattern of distance, disconnection, or irritability, you’re not alone, and support is available.

If you’ve been caught in a cycle of snappiness and defensiveness, here’s what I want you to know:

It makes sense that you get so overwhelmed sometimes.

It’s a warning light.

When you figure out what it’s trying to tell you about what you need – and learn to communicate those needs by turning towards your partner instead of turning against them – you can break the cycle of snappiness – and be a cycle breaker for your kids too.

Relationship therapy or coaching can help you understand what’s really going on beneath the surface when you feel snappy with your partner, and guide you to find your way back to one another.

Ready to stop getting snappy with your partner?

Want to explore working together? You can find out more about relationship coaching and therapy here, or contact relationships after kids expert Catherine Topham Sly here.

You can also join the mailing list for regular relationship advice, encouragement, and tips to help you feel more connected in your relationship – especially while parenting together.

The post Getting Snappy With Your Partner? How To Rebuild Connection And Strengthen Your Relationship After Kids appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Boosting Your Relationship Through Appreciation and Compliments

If you want a strong, connected relationship – especially during the chaos of parenting – learning to show appreciation is one of the most powerful things you can do. Compliments aren’t just a “nice extra”, they’re part of the glue that holds couples together.

Genuine appreciation helps your partner feel seen, valued, and emotionally safe. It creates a culture of connection rather than criticism.

And here’s the real eye-opener: research shows there’s a specific ratio of positive-to-negative interactions that happy couples tend to hit. Let’s talk about what that ratio is, and how you can actually make it your new normal.

Introduction to Compliments in Relationships: The Importance of Being Appreciative And Impact of Compliments on Relationship Health

You might be wondering whether it really matters if you compliment your partner regularly. As a couples counsellor and coach, and expert in relationships while parenting, I can tell you without hesitation: yes, it matters!

Compliments and kind words help your partner feel seen, appreciated, and emotionally connected. And in the day-to-day stress of parenting, those small moments of connection can make all the difference.

They help interrupt the cycle of criticism and defensiveness that many couples fall into. By creating a foundation of good feeling, they make everything else in the relationship easier to navigate. And that includes giving each other the benefit of the doubt when things go wrong.

In this post, you’ll learn:

• The “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions
• How to create a habit of appreciation (even when you’re feeling tired or resentful)
• What kinds of compliments land best
• Why receiving compliments well matters too

The Magic Ratio of Positive:Negative Comments For A Healthy Relationship: Understanding the Gottman Institute’s Findings

How many positive things do you think you say to your partner each day? And how many negative ones?

Over a week, what do you think your ratio of positive to negative comments is? What would you like it to be?

Believe it or not, The Gottman Institute have actually put a number on this!

They’ve been doing extensive research into couple relationships for over fifty years years. So what have they found? Happy couples say around twenty positive things for every one negative.

And even in times of conflict, they keep to a ratio of five positive things for every one negative.

So that’s the magic ratio you need to hit if you want to keep things running smoothly between you – let’s think about how.

Tips for Maintaining The Positive-to-Negative Comment Ratio: Dialling Up The Positivity And Dialling Down The Negativity

The great thing about knowing the ideal ratio you need to hit for your relationship to thrive is that you can work on it from both sides.

You can work on biting your tongue when you’re feeling critical (until you feel calm enough to express any important complaints constructively), while also crowding your complaints out with lots of loving words.

Do you find it easier to say more nice stuff, or less nasty stuff?

Check out my video on criticism, which includes:

• Why criticism is so damaging
• How to make complaints without criticising
• How to stop feeling critical of your partner
• What to do if your partner is being critical of you

Top tip: One way to feel less critical is to actively practise gratitude for your partner.

When you look for more opportunities to express thanks and compliments, over time you will actually feel less critical.

Creating a Culture Of Appreciation: Using Everyday Moments To Express Love And Gratitude And Other Strategies to Increase Positive Interactions

If you want a strong, rewarding relationship, here’s what you need to know: what your partner needs most from you is to feel loved, appreciated, understood, accepted, important, and close to you.

It sounds obvious but it’s not always easy: treat your partner with respect and affection.

Don’t save loving words for special occasions!

Look for ways to tell and show your partner that you love and appreciate them all the time.

Look for them in the most ordinary, everyday moments.

When you think something positive about them, say it out loud.

Not thinking positive things about them? Take time every day to think about your partner and look for the good until you do.

Nothing in this life stays steady for long. When we neglect any area of our life, it tends to go into decline.

You can create an upwards spiral in your relationship, and here’s how:

Remember that thinking good things about your partner is not enough – you need to say them out loud!

Effective Compliment Giving: Tips for Genuine, Meaningful Compliments, And Examples of Compliments That Strengthen Bonds

Many couples naturally compliment each other less as time goes on.

But plenty of couples continue to show appreciation regularly – and they’re usually much happier for it.

The most meaningful compliments tend to be specific and sincere.

Have you fallen out of the habit of saying kind things to your partner?

If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few ideas:

• “I love watching you with the kids – you really bring the fun to our family.”
• “That was so thoughtful, what you said to the little one earlier.”
• “You’re a great parent.”
• “Thank you for folding the laundry.”
• “I really enjoyed our chat over lunch.
•  “You look so good in that t-shirt.”
• “Thank you for putting petrol in the car, it made my day so much easier.”

When was the last time you genuinely complimented your partner?

What’s one kind or encouraging thing you could say to them today?

Receiving Compliments Graciously: The Challenge of Accepting Compliments And How to Respond to Compliments Affirmatively

My name’s Catherine, I’m a woman, and I’m British.

So it probably won’t surprise you to hear that I used to be terrible at accepting compliments… until I learned how important it really is.

Do you ever feel awkward or embarrassed when someone compliments you?

What’s the first thing you usually say in response?

Stop and picture this for a second: Imagine I say, “You handled that beautifully – you’re a great parent.”

What pops into your head to say back?

Often, our responses can come across as unintentionally dismissive.

To the person giving the compliment, a reply like “No I’m not” can sound like “Don’t say that”.

It doesn’t feel good when your compliments are batted away.

So what usually happens next?

If compliments aren’t received well, partners often stop giving them altogether.

But this shift often happens so gradually, no one even notices – let alone talks about it.

Then, years down the line, one of you says: “You never say anything nice to me anymore.”

So how do you accept a compliment – and mean it?

It’s simple: just smile and say thank you.

You might feel awkward at first – and that’s okay. Say “thank you” anyway!

With practice, it will start to feel more natural.

And if your partner rarely compliments you these days, try this: Take the lead. Give them one genuine compliment each day, and see what happens.

So You Compliment Your Partner… What Next? How To Keep Growing Together

Practising gratitude and giving compliments might sound simple, but they’re powerful tools for strengthening your relationship, especially during the parenting years. If this has resonated with you and you’d like more support, you can click here to join my mailing list for regular insights, tools, and encouragement.

Ready for more personalised support? Find out how relationship coaching and therapy could help you here, then click here to get in touch.

The post Relationship Advice: Thank And Compliment Your Partner For A Stronger Relationship appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Challenges In Your Relationship While Parenting: Overcoming Toxic Communication Styles

We all have those moments when the toddler’s crying, the baby needs feeding, the kitchen’s a mess, and you’re trying to cook dinner… and your partner walks in and says something that just gets under your skin. Suddenly, you’re not just tired and overwhelmed, you’re also arguing about who left the wet washing in the machine. After children come along, one of the biggest challenges many couples struggle with is communication.

Once you have kids together, you have to make far more joint decisions, so it’s natural that you’ll have more disagreements. Having differences is completely normal – what really matters is how you approach them. And there are certain communication styles which can be particularly harmful.

This blog post explores the four main toxic communication styles identified by The Gottman Institute’s relationship research: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. It also offers some practical advice on how you can transform these patterns, enabling you to develop a healthier, more supportive relationship with your partner while you’re raising children together.

If you’ve found yourself arguing more with your partner since having kids, you’re not alone. Parenting stress and relationship conflict often go hand-in-hand. The sleepless nights, endless tasks, and constant decision-making create the perfect storm for tension to rise, especially when you’re both emotionally drained. Studies show that over 60% of couples experience increased conflict while raising children.

Toxic communication in relationships while parenting isn’t inevitable, but it is common, and recognising it is the first step towards change. Understanding and addressing toxic communication styles can transform your relationship and restore peace to your children’s home.

The 4 Main Toxic Communication Styles in Relationships After Kids

If you want to have a great relationship with your partner while raising your children, there are four main ways of communicating that you’re best off avoiding.

These are the communication styles that research has found to be the most damaging to couples’ connection over time: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Most of us have moments of reacting either critically or defensively (or both!), especially when we’re under stress. It’s when these ways of speaking to each other become ingrained habits that problems tends to develop.

The good news is that these communication styles are habits, and habits like these can be changed.

Let’s look at how you can build healthier, more satisfying communication habits – for yourself, your partner, and to model for your children too.

Toxic Communication Style 1: Criticism – Turning Harsh Words and Critical Remarks into Constructive Conversations

Criticism is the most common of the four toxic communication styles.

In fact, it’s such an everyday habit for many of us, it can be a bit of a shock to hear what the relationship research has found: chronic criticism seriously damages relationships.

But the good news is that it’s not particularly difficult to notice when you’re being critical and change the habit, and it will really improve your connection with your partner when you do.

Why Criticism Feels So Harmful

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a minute. Imagine the person you love saying negative things about you, pointing out (perceived) personality flaws, blaming when things go wrong… how does it feel? (It feels terrible, right?)

When people get criticised too much, they start to feel like there’s something wrong with them. And they don’t feel good about the person who’s criticised them, either.

What to Say Instead of Criticising

So what should you do instead when a critical thought pops into your head?

If you feel like (or start to hear yourself) criticising your partner, stop, take a minute, and think about what’s really going on for you.

When we feel like blaming our partners for something, it’s usually because our needs are not getting met.

As Marshall B. Rosenberg described,

“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”

Criticising your partner won’t get you any closer to getting those needs met.

It will just make your partner feel self-conscious, unappreciated, and defensive – getting you both nowhere.

So take a breath, and think for a minute about how you’re feeling and what you need.

Are you just in a bad mood or feeling insecure? What can you do to meet your own needs?

Turning Needs Into Requests

If you’re feeling okay in yourself and have a genuine complaint, share it with your partner when you’re both feeling calm.

Tell them something like, “When you hand me the baby and walk away without saying anything, I feel overwhelmed, because I need to feel like we’re in this together.”

Then ask them “Would you be willing to…?” – and be open to hearing their response. Because a request like this is often just the start of a negotiation.

You can read more about how to ask for what you need constructively here.

Toxic Communication Style 2: Defensiveness – How To Stay Open During Conflict

The second toxic communication style which deeply damages relationships is defensiveness.

We all know defensive communication in relationships when we see it – whether it’s denying responsibility, snapping back with a counter-attack, or refusing to acknowledge any fault. (“No YOU’RE the problem!”)

We all get defensive sometimes, when we feel blamed or attacked, and like we need to protect ourselves.

But chronic defensiveness is as damaging to you as an individual as it is to your relationship.

When we’re not open to taking things on board, we miss opportunities to learn and grow.

When you find yourself feeling defensive: stop, take a minute, and ask yourself whether there might be a grain of truth in what your partner is saying.

Maybe they’re not expressing it in the ideal way, but could there be something in it?

When you look at things from their perspective, can you understand what’s bothering them?

Is there anything you can take responsibility for?

Anything you might apologise for?

And if you’re reading this thinking “but my partner is so defensive, what can I do about it?!” check whether you’re being more critical than you realise. Defensiveness is a natural response when we feel like we’re being criticised.

Toxic Communication Style 3: Contempt – Moving From Resentment to Contentment And Respect

When couples get stuck in a cycle of criticism and defensiveness, sooner or later contempt sets in.

You might get sarcastic, start taking the p***, rolling your eyes, or even calling your partner names.

If you’re talking down to your partner, or putting them down, that’s contempt.

It’s insulting, and can become abusive because of how it attacks the person’s sense of self.

We all get frustrated with our partners from time to time – especially when you’re both running on empty after a long day with the kids – and it’s easy to feel like your way is the better way.

But watch how you deal with it when you do.

None of us is perfect, but we all deserve respect.

The Power of Appreciation

If you find yourself feeling or expressing contempt for your partner, it’s time to practise some gratitude.

Make a conscious effort to pay attention to the things you love and appreciate about your partner.

Look for the good in them and the things they do.

Work on expressing that appreciation more, both regularly and specifically. Make these thanks and compliments as specific as possible, because those are felt to be the most genuine and meaningful.

Tell your partner what you’re grateful for, not just for their sake, but for the tone it sets in your home. When children see their parents treating each other with kindness and respect, they learn what love and true partnership look like.

If contempt has become a regular feature of your dynamic, take it as a warning sign. Your relationship is likely in trouble, and it needs some serious attention. Professional help such as relationship coaching or couples counselling can support you to turn things around, and the sooner you go, the easier it will be.

(If you need help with an abusive situation, you can call Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247 or Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.)

Toxic Communication Style 4: Stonewalling – Recognising Withdrawal And Breaking Down Barriers

When relationships aren’t going well, and criticism, defensiveness, and contempt have become regular features, it’s really stressful.

Sometimes is gets so stressful that one or both partners shut down on each other completely.

When you completely withdraw from interaction with your partner, we call that stonewalling.

Sometimes stonewalling can be used as a coercive controlling behaviour, often alongside isolation and intimidation. If this resonates, your relationship may have become abusive, so please seek support. (You can call Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247 or Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.)

However, most cases of stonewalling happen as a way of cutting out sensory stimulation when feeling attacked or overwhelmed.

When someone’s stonewalling, usual signs of engagement like eye contact and nodding disappear, and they sometimes go completely quiet.

It might look like the silent treatment, or saying “I’m fine” when you’re really not.

It can be really frustrating for the other partner when a person stonewalls, but it’s important to recognise that in most cases they’re doing it because they feel completely overwhelmed and don’t know what else to do.

Shutting down like this is a way of trying to calm yourself down so you can think straight again.

It’s important that you listen to that instinct (or let your partner listen to it if they stonewall you) and take a break.

Take at least 30 minutes to yourself, and spend the time doing something soothing and distracting.

If you notice yourself start ruminating about how out-of-order your partner is, remind yourself that your objective right now is to calm yourself down so that you can get back to a more constructive place.

You can read more about how to recognise when you’re getting overwhelmed, deescalate tension and self-soothe here.

Improving Communication With Your Partner While Raising Children Together – Transform Your Communication And Enrich Your Family Life

When you’re raising kids together, good communication isn’t just important – it’s essential. It’s tough navigating the daily chaos of school runs, tantrums, and trying to get everyone out the door with matching shoes. How you and your partner talk to each other can make or break your day. In the thick of parenting, it’s easy for small frustrations to build into bigger issues. Healthy communication is what helps you stay connected, even when things feel difficult.

But your communication can also be one of the first things to suffer. Between sleepless nights, endless to-do lists, and the emotional load of parenting, it’s no wonder couples struggle to connect. The good news is that with a little awareness and a commitment to kindness, you can learn to communicate in ways that bring you closer – even when life feels chaotic.

For many couples, that starts with recognising and addressing toxic communication styles. Now you understand how harmful criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling can be, hopefully you feel motivated to actively work on these habits. By doing this, you can significantly improve your connection, and feel the peace of knowing you’re modelling healthy communication for your children.

Remember, communication habits can be changed with conscious effort and patience, and you’ll eventually develop new habits which gradually come more naturally. I hope you’ve found these strategies to shift from harmful interactions to supportive and constructive communication helpful. If you need more guidance, or want to deepen your understanding, please don’t hesitate to get in touch about working together – with our without your partner’s involvement.

If you found this helpful, you can also join the mailing list to stay updated with more insights and tips for nurturing your relationship while raising children together.

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Understanding And Resolving Arguments in Your Relationship

The road to success in any relationship will be paved with disagreements and misunderstandings. In close relationships, arguments are common and completely natural. It’s not the absence of disagreements which makes a relationship strong; it’s how you address them when they inevitably happen. In this blog post, we’ll explore two of your most powerful tools for resolving arguments and strengthening your bond with your partner: curiosity and closeness.

When your partner seems dissatisfied or annoyed, try to get curious about their feelings – even, or perhaps especially, if you think they’re overreacting. And if you’d like your partner to understand your reactions better, it’s worth reflecting on how close (or not) you’ve been feeling recently, and what helps and hinders that sense of intimacy. Let’s look at some strategies to navigate common arguments, and build empathy and understanding between you and your significant other.

Relationship Arguments: Harnessing the Power of Empathy

Have you ever debated with your partner about who’s right, fair, or justified in being upset? Many couples do this, because it can be very frustrating when you feel like your partner is overreacting. However, focusing on each other’s reactions, rather than the underlying issues, won’t help you understand or resolve what’s really causing the conflict.

Consider this: If a child approached you feeling upset, would you dismiss their feelings as unreasonable? As adults, we know children need understanding and empathy, even when their reactions may seem disproportionate. We do our best to comfort and reassure our kids, and to work out what they need to feel better. Imagine what it could do for your relationship if and your partner offered each other a similar level of kindness…

Developing More Empathy and Understanding

Successful relationships between adults are built on a foundation of empathy and compassion. And one way to develop more empathy for your partner is to recognise that they have a small child inside them, just like you. They might not show it to you in the most obvious ways, but they have insecurities and vulnerabilities too. We all do.

Some of your partner’s reactions to things are bound to seem unreasonable to you – just like some of yours are going to seem unreasonable to them. As a general rule, the more exaggerated your partner’s reaction seems to you, the bigger the opportunity it provides for you to learn more about them, and come to understand them better.

When your partner is upset, rather than dismissing them as overreacting, ask them about it from a place of genuine, compassionate curiosity. You could say something like, “I can tell this really bothers you, and I want to understand why it’s such a big deal for you.”

When you and your partner show curiosity about why things bother each other, these moments can become opportunities to understand each other better. When you take your partner’s feelings seriously like this, you’re more likely to get to the bottom of your disagreements, instead of getting sidetracked by pointless comparisons. Ultimately, this will contribute to you resolving disagreements, rather than feeling further and further apart while they escalate.

When Communication Breaks Down in Relationships

Getting really curious about what’s going on between you can help you break frustrating communication patterns.

During heated conversations, do you find yourself thinking “here we go again…!”? You don’t want to go down that same old path, but you’re losing control of the situation, and it almost feels like a fait accompli that you’ll end up angry, hurt, and disconnected.

If you don’t want to surrender to repetitive, unproductive communication patterns, it helps to pause and reflect. When you get that feeling, stop, take a breath, and ask yourself: what exactly is going on here? See if you can rewind in your mind and spot the exact moment when things started going wrong. What was happening? How were you feeling? What was the word, or tone, or look that changed the atmosphere?

If you’re calm enough, consider asking your partner some similar reflective questions. Often, arguments in relationships ignite when one person hears something that stirs up a fear or worry. Being open about these fears with your partner can help both of you to understand each other’s reactions better. If you struggle with this, consider consulting a professional relationship therapist for help.

When Conversations Turn Into Arguments: A Personal Example

For a long time, conversations with my husband would turn into arguments after he said or did something that triggered a fear in me.

For example, I carried a deep fear that my husband secretly resented me for expecting him to do his fair share of the cooking, laundry, etc. I knew in my head that our arrangement was fair and we were both happy with it, but when I’m stressed, my inner child – who believes that a “good mum” takes care of everyone – pops up. So on a bad day, I might interpret him sighing at the washing basket as an attack on me.

But when I’m curious about my reaction, I can make the link, and share it with him. So in the style of Brené Brown’s excellent suggestion, “The story I’m making up about this is…” I might say something like, “I had a strong reaction then. I think because I was imagining you resented me…”

By saying it like this, you can own your part in it, so it doesn’t come across like an accusation. And if your partner is open to it, you can ask them the same kinds of questions about moments when they lose their cool with you too.

You can read more about how to deal with the topics that cause repeated conflict in your relationship here.

Cultivating Closeness with Your Partner

If either of you has struggled to feel or show curiosity about your relationship recently, it might be time to evaluate how close you’ve been feeling. Just like infants need a secure attachment to their caregivers to explore the world, adults need a sense of closeness with their partners to discuss relationship dynamics. When we don’t feel safe, we don’t feel free to be curious – and this is as true on a psychological level in adulthood as it is on a physical one in childhood.

To nurture a stronger bond with your partner, consider the six ways of attaching described by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté in their book, Hold Onto Your Kids. These are as useful for understanding adult relationships as they are for thinking about child development. 

We can think of these ways of attaching as levels of intimacy. The order might surprise you!

1. Senses – Physical proximity, as registered through smell, sight, sound, or touch
2. Sameness – Identifying with your loved one, feeling you have plenty in common
3. Belonging and Loyalty – The ways we say (and feel) “I’m yours and you’re mine”
4. Significance – How we feel that we matter to (so will be kept close by) our partners
5. Feeling – Warm, loving, affectionate feelings lead into emotional intimacy
6. Being Known – Feeling seen, understood, liked and accepted just as we are

If you want to feel closer to your partner (and freer to talk more openly about your relationship), this list is a great place to start.

How much have you been touching each other lately? How do you show your partner that they matter to you? Do you open up to them about your thoughts and feelings? And how do you make them feel understood and accepted just as they are when they do the same?

Overcoming Arguments in Relationships

Arguments are part of any relationship; it’s how you choose to address these disagreements which will significantly impact your bond. Developing curiosity about your partner’s feelings, and making efforts every day to build and maintain closeness between you, can help you both to understand each other’s perspectives and emotions.

If you’re struggling with arguments in your relationship, consider seeking professional support through relationship coaching or therapy. I can support you with practical tools to inject positivity back into your relationship, resolve resentments, improve communication, and feel closer again.

Dealing With Arguments In Relationships: Consult An Expert

Remember, to maintain a successful relationship you don’t need to eliminate disagreements, but to manage them effectively. Getting stuck in a cycle of conflict can be really painful, so please don’t struggle on alone. Through relationship coaching and/or therapy, we can work together to get your relationship back on track. Click here to get in touch and find out more.

If you found this article helpful, you can also click here to get regular relationship advice straight to your inbox.

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How To Communicate Needs In Your Relationship

If you want your relationship to thrive, it’s essential to communicate your needs effectively. However, discussing your needs with your partner can be challenging, especially when your expectations and desires differ. In this blog post, we’ll explore various strategies and approaches to help you effectively communicate your needs, and develop a healthier, more fulfilling relationship with your partner.

Stay Persistent In Communicating Your Needs To Your Partner

Have you ever said something like “I need more time to myself”, then received a reply that was so far from what you needed to hear that you just gave up? This can be extremely frustrating, so let’s look at how to communicate your needs in your relationship more effectively.

When you don’t get the response you’re looking for the first time, it might feel like you’ve failed. For your relationship to grow, see if you can look at these moments instead as opportunities to go deeper.

For example, if you say “I need more time to myself” and your partner says something like…

• “I don’t get any time to myself!”
• “You go to your yoga class.”
• “We’ve got two kids, what did you expect?”

… it’s completely understandable if you feel like giving up, and even withdrawing altogether.

It can be hard enough to say what you need in the first place, so staying with it when you’re feeling angry, frustrated, or let down like this isn’t always easy. But when you give up too soon, you’ll be unlikely to get the change you’re looking for.

If you really want to get your needs met, you’ll need to stay with it – so let’s look at how.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

Stay Curious To Understand Each Other’s Needs Better

People generally do want the people they love to get their needs met. So in my work as a relationship therapist, when I see one partner pushing back against the other’s needs, it makes me really curious. And the partner who stated the need is often curious too. But often their frustration takes over, and they ask something like, “why are you saying/being like that?!”

When you get frustrated, see if you can slow things down. Ask your partner gently, from a place of genuine, compassionate curiosity, about what it was like for them when you expressed your need. This way, you’re much more likely to learn something helpful, and make progress towards getting your needs met.

Ask Open-Ended Questions To Explore Your Partner’s Experience

Here are some examples of how you could lean into the conversation, and keep communicating about your needs:

“When I said I need more time to myself and you mentioned how you don’t get enough time to yourself either, I felt sad and lonely. I imagined you weren’t interested in trying to change this. I want us both to be able to get our need for time to feel like ourselves met. Will you tell me a bit about what the lack of alone time lately has been like for you?”

“When I said I need more time to myself and you said that I go to my yoga class, I felt frustrated. I see me going to my exercise class as meeting one of my basic needs, but I imagined you see it as a luxury. Then I wondered whether maybe that hour is quite hard for you. What is it like for you when I go to yoga?”

“When I said I need more time to myself and you said “we’ve got two kids, what did you expect?”, I felt angry. I imagined you thought I should just give up on the idea of having time to myself, but I don’t want that for either of us. I’m curious about why you responded like that. What’s it like for you when I ask you to take care of the kids so that I can get some time to feel like myself again?”

You probably noticed that all of these examples end with a question about your partner’s experience. This is because most of us are open to helping the people we love get what they need – as long as we’re getting what we need too. So giving some space to your partner’s needs can help deepen your conversations. When you encourage your partner to open up about their needs too, you can start working together to facilitate each other’s needs. This can create a powerful shift in tone, ending the pattern where you’re both struggling to get your needs met.

Embrace Differences In Your Needs And Boundaries For A Mutually Satisfying Relationship

Sometimes conversations about your needs in your relationship might get sidetracked because your needs and your partner’s are quite different.

For example, I’m an introvert and a highly-sensitive person, so I need lots of alone time. My husband is very different to me, so he could easily say things like, “well I don’t expect you to take the kids out so that I can get time at home on my own!” But he’s only likely to think something like this if his needs are not getting met, or if my request crosses one of his boundaries.

Comparing needs isn’t helpful. Work instead towards each of you taking responsibility for our own needs. That means communicating them clearly, and asking for and taking what you need in order to get them met – even when they’re different.

How To Understand Your Differences: Use Open-Ended Questions, Personality Assessments, and Love Languages

You might feel like you know your partner well, and you probably do. But people change an enormous amount over their lives, especially when going though big life changes like becoming parents.

The better you know yourself and your partner, the easier it will be to communicate your needs and both get them met – even when they seem contradictory.

Use Open-Ended Questions To Keep Getting To Know Each Other As Your Needs Change

The best way to keep getting to know each other over the years is to keep talking, and especially to ask each other lots of open-ended questions. You can download a free list of 72 open-ended questions which have have been specifically chosen to bring you closer here.

Some of the differences in our needs are about variation in our personalities, and there are some great tools you can use to understand these differences better. The better you understand yourself, the easier it is to accept yourself and what works for you, and to ask your partner to do the same.

Understand Each Other’s Personalities And Associated Needs

For example, have you ever taken a Myers-Briggs personality test? This test was developed by Isabel Briggs Myers and Katharine Cook Briggs, based on the work of the founder of analytical psychology, Carl Jung. It can be a great way to start a conversation with your partner about your differences and needs. For example, perhaps one of you feels energised by parties, but the other feels drained by social interaction? Or maybe one of you prefers to make more plans, while the other likes to be more spontaneous? Understanding each other better can help to take some of the tension out of your different preferences and approaches to life.

Understand Each Other’s Ways Of Expressing And Feeling Love

How about the 5 Love Languages quiz? This is a useful tool for gaining a better understanding of how you express love, and what makes you feel most loved. Please note, however, that the best way to use this information is to broaden your awareness of all the ways we can express and feel love, not to demand or insist on any one specific expression.

Often we only discuss differences like this when something has happened to create tension around them. Talking about your differences when you’re both happy and relaxed can help you to look at them more dispassionately. Ultimately you can get to a place where you can see how your differences are actually your strengths as a couple – as long as you respect and value each other’s personality traits and quirks (and each other more generally). If you need support getting to this place, you can find out more about relationship therapy and coaching here.

How To Communicate Your Needs To Your Partner

When it comes to communicating your needs in your relationship, the top things to remember are:

• If your partner doesn’t seem open to meeting your needs, consider whether their needs are getting met too
• It’s normal to have different needs and give to each other in different ways
• The better you know yourself and your partner, the easier you’ll find it to assert your needs

How To Communicate Needs In Your Relationship: Further Support

Remember, discussing your needs is a crucial aspect of a successful relationship. By understanding and respecting each other’s needs, listening with empathy, asking open-ended questions, embracing differences, and using resources like personality and love language tests, you can create a strong foundation for open communication. This, in turn, will help you and your partner work together to meet each other’s needs and create a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

It’s not always easy to know how to communicate your needs in your relationship. If you’re looking for more support with this, you can find out more about working with me here, and contact me here. You can also join the mailing list for free expert advice on relationships after kids here.

The post How To Communicate Your Needs And Create More Understanding In Your Relationship appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Resolve Resentment In Your Relationship: Explore The Roots Of Your Resentment And Strategies For Overcoming It

Are you looking for effective ways to resolve resentment in your relationship? The key to addressing this issue is twofold. Firstly, you need to get clear about how you’re approaching your shared responsibilities, and why. Only then will you properly address the mental load that often falls so unevenly between partners. In this blog post, we’ll explore the roots of resentment in relationships, and provide actionable steps to help you achieve a more harmonious and contented partnership.

What Causes Your Resentment? The Mental Load And Shared Responsibilities

Couple relationships change after kids come along, and sadly resentment often follows, especially where shared responsibilities are divided unequally. In the UK, as in most of the rest of the world, it’s women who are picking up the lion’s share of this unpaid labour. According to the Office for National Statistics,

“In March 2022, employed women living with dependent children spent more time on unpaid childcare (an average of 84 minutes per day) and household work (an average of 169 minutes per day) than employed men living with dependent children (55 and 106 minutes per day, respectively).”

New mothers soon discover how much of the of the work involved in managing the household and family is invisible. The mental effort associated with these tasks is known as the mental load.

Ultimately, the mental load is about knowing what everyone needs and making sure those needs get met. Carrying responsibility for the tasks, and overseeing their completion, uses a lot of mental and emotional energy. And when women are using their energy this way, they don’t have it available for other things. They don’t have the mental capacity or energy to live a full and balanced life, because, quite simply, they’re exhausted. So this can become a major cause of resentment.

Do you feel resentful towards your partner for any of the following…?

• Not sharing the mental load – meal planning, laundry, activity ideas, what the kids need
• Not doing housework/chores
• Leaving childcare duties to you – brushing teeth, bath and bedtime, prepping nappy bag
• Low standards for clearing up and cleaning
• Waiting for you to ask them for help
• Being able to switch off

How many of those items above do you relate to? Do you ever wonder why so much of this seems to fall to you?

Resolving Resentment In Relationships: Understanding Gender Roles

These days most couples have pretty balanced partnerships – at least until they have children.

Despite our best intentions, once kids come along, we often find ourselves struggling to run our homes and family lives quite as fairly as we planned.

My free guide to resolving resentment goes into more detail about why so many couples still struggle with this unbalance. Plus it includes my seven step action plan, which you can start implementing today to resolve the resentment in your relationship.

Read how inspired this person was by just one of the seven tips:

“Thank you for pointing me in that direction! I feel seen! I know it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and your guide really drove that home for me. I have an incredible partner and I’m going to take the advice of brain dumping. Not to make a list for him but to share the load. I think it will also trigger him to take things off my plate.”

Get yours here now!

Limiting Beliefs About Resentment

A limiting belief is anything you think to be true that holds you back in some way.

When we feel blocked from making changes that we want, there are usually limiting beliefs at play.

Often there are whole lists of them.

When it comes to resentment, one way we dismiss our feelings is with the words “it doesn’t matter”.

For example, you might tell yourself,

“It doesn’t matter that my partner does things I feel resentful about.”

Maybe you actually say these words?

Or perhaps you dismiss the way they leave so many of the domestic responsibilities to you as “just the way things are”?

Resentment Builds When We Ignore Choices That Bother Us

Not every irritating or thoughtless thing your partner does matters.

None of us is perfect and we all do things that bother our partners.

As Donald Miller says,

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”

So let’s start with compassion.

Let’s give our partners the benefit of the doubt.

It’s highly likely that your partner doesn’t want or intend for you to end up feeling resentful.

But sometimes you do.

And that resentment you feel? It’s how you know that whatever they have done/not done matters to you.

If you’re in a bad mood, hungry, exhausted, feeling insecure… attend to that first.

But if you’re finding yourself feeling resentful about things your partner does even when you’re basically feeling okay within yourself? Pay attention to that feeling.

It’s a messenger.

Your feelings matter, and it matters that your partner does things you feel resentful about.

You can’t change your partner’s behaviour.

But you can change your own, and that will influence theirs.

My free guide to resolving resentment is all about the changes you can make which will nudge your partner to start doing things differently too.

Get yours today.

Strategies For Resolving Resentment In Relationships

Do you want to know how to resolve resentment in your relationship? To get unstuck, you might need to stop telling yourself that it doesn’t matter when you partner consistently does things that bother you. You’ll find resolution when you find new ways to respond to that resentful feeling.

Resentment is a messenger, and the secret to a happy relationship is to listen to it. Click here to download your free guide to resolving resentment and get started making the changes you want today.

If you found this article about how to resolve resentment in relationships helpful, you might like to check these out too:

• Is It Normal To Resent Your Partner After Having A Baby?
• How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner
• The Contented Relationship Guide, my short course all about how to go from resentment to contentment

You can also click here to join my mailing list, or click here to get in touch.

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