Mental load tips and advice: how to manage the mental load in parenthood and create more balance at home. Therapist Catherine Topham Sly shares her personal story, why the load becomes so unequal, and offers practical, compassionate advice to reduce stress, reset resentment, and feel like a team again in your relationship.
The Mental Load: You Can’t See It, But You Feel It
It’s the running commentary in your head: what’s in the fridge, when the school trip payment is due, who needs new shoes, who’s had their five-a-day. It’s the organising, remembering, anticipating, planning, noticing, and worrying. It’s exhausting.
And for many mums, especially in straight relationships, the mental load doesn’t just cause stress and overwhelm, it breeds resentment.
As a maternal mental health therapist and relationship coach, I hear this all the time from the parents I work with. And I’ve lived it myself too.
Here’s how I went from quietly stewing to openly shifting the balance, and how you can too.
In this post, you’ll find:
- A relatable story of what the mental load looks like in real life
- A breakdown of why resentment builds up
- Practical tips and advice on how to reduce the stress and share the mental load more equally
- Advice for navigating tough conversations with your partner
- Encouragement if you’re feeling resentful, exhausted, or alone
What The Mental Load Looked Like For Me
When I was on maternity leave, I took on the lion’s share of the childcare and running the house. My husband was very hands-on, but he was at work all day. So naturally, I got more experience managing everything.
I didn’t question it at first. I loved being with my baby, and I wanted to do a good job. I took pride in remembering appointments and making things run smoothly. But slowly, something began to nag at me.
He was working hard too, but I was doing so much more at home, and I started to feel… uneasy. I wanted our kids to see their parents as equals. I didn’t want to be the only one who knew where everything was and what needed doing.
And when I started working more, everything came to a head. I was still doing the laundry. I was still planning the meals. I was still keeping things ticking along.
And I had this realisation: if I didn’t speak up, nothing would change.
Why The Mental Load Becomes Unequal In Parenting
Many couples don’t deliberately choose an unequal setup; it just kind of happens.
When one parent (often the mother) is on maternity leave or works fewer hours, they tend to take on more. They get more practice. They know the details. They learn to anticipate the needs.
And over time, they become the default. The one who knows where the PE kit is, what the kids will actually eat, which child is due a birthday party gift. It becomes their domain, even if they never meant it to.
Meanwhile, their partner might want to be more involved, but struggle to know where to start. So they ask, “What do you need me to do?”
And when you’re already carrying everything in your head, having to delegate just feels like more work.
How I Started Shifting The Mental Load
So, I spoke up. And… it wasn’t easy. We had both internalised ideas about what made a “good mum” or a “good dad”. We had to unpick a lot of old stories and beliefs.
There were tough conversations. There was frustration. And there were definitely a few wobbles along the way.
But we got there.
Now, we’re a team. We take turns cooking. He washes the darks; I do the whites and delicates. I don’t feel like the default parent anymore, I feel like a partner.
We still have disagreements about who does more (because it never feels perfectly equal). But we talk about it. And most importantly, our kids are growing up seeing what fairness and teamwork really look like.
Tips And Advice To Reduce The Mental Load And Share Responsibilities More Equally
If you’re ready to lighten your mental load, here are some ways to start:
1. Make the invisible visible
Write down everything that’s on your mental to-do list: meals, clothes, birthday cards, dentist appointments, emotional support. Seeing it on paper can be powerful for you both.
What this looked like for me: I made the invisible visible, and acknowledged its meaning too
Writing down the constant to-do list in my head helped us both see the scale of what I was carrying. Appointments, birthday presents, life admin… it wasn’t just chores. It was the mental and emotional labour of taking responsibility for everyone’s needs.
2. Have a calm, honest conversation
Avoid blame by focusing on how you feel and what you need. Try something like: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, and I realise I’ve taken on a lot of the invisible work. I’d love for us to find a way to rebalance things.”
What this looked like for me: I stopped waiting for him to notice things he clearly wasn’t noticing
Once I stopped hoping my husband would magically see everything I was doing (even when he wasn’t there) and everything I was thinking (even though he’s not a mind-reader), I got clearer about what actually needed to change. That made it easier to speak up without getting critical.
3. Stop being the manager
Where possible, hand over full responsibility for certain tasks, like school emails or meal planning. Let your partner own them entirely, even if it means biting your tongue when they do it differently or drop a ball.
What this looked like for me: I handed over complete tasks, and let him deal with the consequences
Not delegated. Not “reminded.” Handed over. If he was doing school emails, he was doing them. And guess what, he’s human. So sometimes he messes up. (Just like me!) I had to stare my own desire to control things dead in the face, and I didn’t always like it!
4. Accept that perfect doesn’t exist
We all have our own ways that we like things to be done. But sometimes we have to ask ourselves whether it’s worth it. Done is better than perfect, and done by someone else is even better.
What this looked like for me: I stopped aiming for perfect, and started valuing freedom instead
Confession: letting go was really hard. Surprise: it turns out I like things done my way. I had to learn to accept that it didn’t have to be my way to be good enough. I realised how much I was missing out on by expending so much energy trying to get everything so right. And when I got over myself, I liked him better too.
5. Revisit and adjust
One conversation won’t fix everything. Make time to regularly check in about how things are going and what needs tweaking.
What this looked like for me: We started checking in regularly, with genuine curiosity
Talking about what was working (and what wasn’t) became a habit. Instead of building up to big blow-ups, we started making space for the small stuff every day. No resentment brewing. No guessing games. Just lots of appreciation, and regular tweaking based on who had more capacity.
From Resentment To Relief: What Changed
Once we started having those conversations, things got better – not perfect, but much better.
The weight of responsibility didn’t feel like mine alone anymore. I had more headspace. More freedom. More peace. We argued less. I felt more seen.
And I stopped feeling resentful, because I wasn’t carrying it all by myself anymore.
If you’re feeling the pressure of the mental load, I want you to know: you’re not alone. And you don’t have to keep doing it all.
Mental Load Tips And Advice: Want To Stop Stewing In Silence?
If you’ve been feeling resentful, that feeling is trying to tell you something.
If you’re tired of shouldering more than your share, fed up of feeling like the one who keeps it all together, I’ve created something to help.
Download The Resentment Reset, a free guide to help you shift the imbalance, communicate more clearly, and start getting your needs met in your relationship.
And when you’re ready to go a bit deeper, check out The Contented Relationship Guide.
Moving Forwards With These Mental Load Tips And Advice
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the mental load, I hope this post helped you feel seen, and offered some clarity on how to shift it. We’ve explored why the mental load often becomes unequal in parenting, how that imbalance can lead to stress and resentment, and what you can do to create a more equal partnership. From speaking up and sharing responsibility, to letting go of perfection and checking in regularly, these shifts can make a huge difference. You don’t have to carry it all. With the right conversations and a little support, it really can start to feel more balanced, and you can feel more like yourself again.
The Mental Load: Need More Help?
If you’re struggling to have calm and constructive conversations with your partner about how you share the mental load, consulting a professional relationship therapist or coach (either on your own or with your partner) can help. When you take action to address your division of responsibilities, you can reduce stress and conflict, and create a more balanced and peaceful family life.
If your relationship has become strained, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Through relationship coaching and/or therapy, we can work together to get you back on track. Click here to get in touch and find out more.
If you found this article helpful, you can also click here to get regular relationship advice straight to your inbox.
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