Discover practical strategies to address low libido after having children. This comprehensive guide explores common causes, including hormonal changes, relationship issues, and lifestyle factors. It offers effective remedies to reconnect with your sexual self and improve intimacy. Enhance your relationship and rekindle passion for a healthier, happier life.
Understanding And Addressing Low Libido After Having Children
Having a baby is a life-changing experience that brings many physical, psychological, and relational challenges. One common issue for many new parents is experiencing low libido after having children.
It’s very normal to feel less interested in sex for a while after becoming a parent. Recovery from pregnancy and birth can take time, both physically and psychologically. Postnatal hormones can take a while to stabilise, especially if you’re breastfeeding, often affecting your libido.
Adapting to the new responsibilities and meeting your baby’s constant needs can be stressful. You’re also processing an identity shift, adjusting to being “Mum” or “Dad”, while getting used to seeing your partner in the parent role too.
As a couple, you have to adapt to having conversations interrupted, less time together, less disposable income – or freedom to enjoy it. You do all of this while sleep-deprived and exhausted – which makes everything harder to deal with. It’s no wonder if sex is the last thing on your mind!
Gradually, you’ll adjust and establish a rhythm with your partner and baby. However, many women find their libido doesn’t return at this point.
It’s worth investigating whether hormonal issues, contraception, or other medications are contributing to your loss of libido. Stress, anxiety, depression, and some medical conditions can also play a part. However, relationship problems are among the most common causes of low libido.
Common Causes of Low Libido After Having Children
There are many reasons women sometimes feel less desire for sex, especially after having children. Parenthood’s demands and relationship strains can make it difficult to live in a way that awakens your desire. Low libido might indicate broader relationship issues, including with your past sexual experiences and communication about sex. It might also highlight deeper feelings and beliefs about your sexuality, your place in your family, and even the world. Let’s look at five of the main reasons women lose interest in sex.
Low Libido Cause 1: Disconnection From Your Sexual Self
Women receive mixed messages about sex and sexuality from a young age, especially in religious contexts. They are often split into two camps: loveable saints who produce and raise children, and desirable sinners who have sex. (This is known as the Madonna-Whore complex.)
This messaging leads many women to shut down parts of their sexual selves, seeing sexual exploration as “not what nice girls/good mothers do”. As a result, you might never have fully explored your own sexuality and what turns you on.
Then you become a mother, and the relentless barrage of your children’s needs requires you to repress your own wants and even needs, both sexually and otherwise. You might even have shut off the whole idea of you having desires, as a way of coping with this.
Add onto this how pregnancy and birth have changed your body, perhaps in ways you haven’t come to terms with yet. If you were once in touch with your sexual self, you might feel like she’s someone you knew in a past life.
Low Libido Cause 2: A Lifestyle Which Dampens Desire
Motherhood has always required a certain level of self-sacrifice. However, many mothers are now feeling pressure to meet impossible “supermum” standards which take this to the extreme. Many are reaching a level of burnout which feels closer to self-destruction.
Many mothers are exhausted, touched out, doing way more than their fair share, and feeling resentful. These issues can feel difficult to address. On your worst days, you and your partner might feel like housemates; on better days, just “Mum and Dad,” rather than partners or lovers.
With so much work to do – paid and unpaid – finding time to move your body in ways which bring you joy might seem difficult. Perhaps you don’t think much about what brings you pleasure overall in your life, or feel like you have time for such fripperies.
Meanwhile, you’re likely someone who experiences mostly responsive desire. But given all these challenges, you and your partner might not be doing what’s needed to awaken it.
Low Libido Cause 3: Overall Relationship Dissatisfaction
Becoming parents puts a huge amount of stress on a couple. You talk less; stress and argue more. Many mothers feel resentment and even rage about the roles they and their partners seem to have fallen into.
Two-thirds of couples experience a decline in relationship satisfaction in the first three years after having a baby. It’s normal to have doubts or worries about your relationship, including wondering if you’re still compatible. Sadly though this is still something of a taboo, so you might feel like it’s just you, which can feel isolating and stressful.
Keeping your erotic connection alive is a challenging balancing act. You need emotional safety and closeness, but also a sense of healthy distance and difference. Many women in long-term relationships feel both are lacking after having children.
Low Libido Cause 4: Unsatisfying Previous Sexual Experiences
When you hear the word sex, what do you picture? For most of us, it’s penis-in-vagina penetration, which is usually more satisfying for men than women.
Women generally take longer to become fully aroused than men, so many have rarely, if ever, had truly pleasurable sex. Where sex has often felt rushed, it results in many women thinking of it as something they do for or give to men. Your patience for this will understandably disappear after another day spent meeting everyone else’s needs.
Over 95% of men and women can reliably orgasm from masturbation in just a few minutes. However, in straight sex, 95% of men usually or always orgasm, compared to 65% of women. In lesbian couples, the orgasm rate is around 85% – so this is more of a education and skill gap than a physical one.
Penis-in-vagina sex more reliably leads to orgasm for the person with the penis. Stimulation of the clitoris (manual, oral, or with toys) more reliably leads to orgasm for the person with the vulva. Closing the orgasm gap involves expanding your idea of what sex is, which ultimately makes it more fun for everyone.
Orgasms are not the be-all and end-all of good sex, of course. In fact, too much focus on them can create a counter-productive, goal-oriented approach to intimacy. There are lots of emotional, relational, and physical benefits to sex, regardless of who comes.
However, women report more satisfaction with their sex lives and relationships when they have more orgasms. The more pleasure you get from sex, the more you’re likely to want it. So doing what you can to close the orgasm gap in your relationship is a win-win, especially if you have mismatched levels of desire.
Low Libido Cause 5: Difficulty Communicating About Sex
Talking about sex can be difficult. You likely haven’t witnessed many conversations about it since they usually happen in private. You might have learned from an early age that it’s not “ladylike” to use “naughty” or “dirty” words. You might feel nervous about upsetting or offending your partner. If so, you’re not alone, and help is available.
Practical Suggestions To Increase Your Low Libido After Having Children
Low libido after having children is a common issue that many parents face. Let’s explore some practical tips to help you reignite the flame of passion in yourself and your relationship. There’s lots you can do to regain your sexual self and nurture your bond with your partner.
Low Libido Remedy 1: Reconnect With Your Sexual Self
The brain is the biggest sex organ. For most women, sexy thoughts are vital for getting in the mood and reaching orgasm. However, many women haven’t fully explored their sexuality and are unaware of the power of sexual fantasies. If you’re busy thinking about the to-do list, you’re unlikely to experience much pleasure from sex.
Reading or listening to erotica and/or watching ethical porn can help you discover what turns you on. Many sexual fantasies revolve around themes of power and surrender, and seeing and being seen. You might like to explore your turn-ons at bdsmtest.org.
If these ideas feel like a stretch, consider journaling or talking to a therapist about how you feel about yourself as a sexual being, especially now you’re a mother.
It can also help to make a practice of asking yourself “what do I want?” to break the habit of repressing your desires in favour of those of your partner and children. It’s healthy for kids to see their parents balancing their own wants with those of others.
You might feel self-conscious about your body after having a baby. This can hinder pleasure, as being present in the moment is key for good sex. Remind yourself that your partner is likely no supermodel either! They want to enjoy sharing playfulness and pleasure with you, to have fun and feel connected again.
Low Libido Remedy 2: Cultivate A Lifestyle That Awakens Desire
Addressing relationship inequality will likely be key to reawakening your libido. If you tend to argue about childcare and chores, it might be time for a calm conversation about how you can feel more like equals. Happy couples share joint responsibilities, value paid and unpaid contributions equally, and make sure everyone gets broadly equal leisure time too. Take resentment seriously and take steps to tackle it before it develops into contempt.
Taking care of your physical and emotional wellbeing is crucial for a healthy libido. Make time for activities that help you relax, like exercise, and doing things you enjoy which make you feel like your old self again. A balanced diet, proper sleep (the best you can get in this phase of your life!), and stress management can also make a significant difference in your overall health and sexual response.
If you struggle to relax and be present enough to enjoy sex, mindfulness meditation can really help. Emptying your mind is probably impossible (for most of us!) but you can train yourself to let thoughts come and go more easily. Plus if you want to enjoy sex more, a mind free of thoughts is not really the goal; a mind full of sexy thoughts is much more helpful. (See point 1 above.)
With the demands of parenthood, it can be challenging to find time for intimacy. However, setting aside regular date nights or time to relax together without distractions can be beneficial for both your relationship and libido. By scheduling time to feel close, you’ll signal to yourself and your partner that your relationship is a priority.
Spend this time doing things that make you feel connected emotionally, like lying together, holding each other, talking and perhaps kissing. Let your partner know how important it is that you don’t feel pressured to take things further, and how counterproductive any pressure can be.
Low Libido Remedy 3: Improve Overall Relationship Satisfaction
Sometimes just knowing how normal it is to struggle with your relationship after having kids can be enough to quieten the worries about whether you’re in the right relationship.
However, if resentment is building up, it’s important to address it. Explain to your partner that you need to see them as an equal, not like another child dependent on you, to keep your erotic connection alive. Then take steps to address your sense of fairness and ensure you’re both getting time for rest and play.
Spending time together away from home responsibilities is powerful in helping you see each other as more than just “Mum and Dad”. Organise a babysitter or childcare swap whenever you can, even if it’s just for an hour to go for a walk or a quick drink together. It might not feel like enough, but it can make a huge difference.
Low Libido Remedy 4: Understand What You Need To Have Great Sex
Most women experience more responsive than spontaneous desire, which means they only tend to get in the mood once things they find sexy are already happening. This means you need to be open to connection first, to give time and space for those feelings to develop. You might like to create a sensual atmosphere with lighting and music, and wear something which makes you feel confident and attractive.
Once you start to feel some desire for sex, it still takes time to get fully aroused enough to enjoy it. Doing this usually happens through a combination of psychological arousal and physical touch. You need to be able to relax and get into a sexual frame of mind, feeling safe and reassured that you can put your other concerns, responsibilities, and any worries aside.
This is why many couples find that having an emotionally vulnerable conversation first is a precursor to good sex. It also helps to explore your own sexuality, both in terms of what turns you on to think about (and perhaps talk about and explore playfully together) and what works for you physically (where you like to be touched and how).
If you get distracted, it can help to focus on your breathing, let thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky, and gently bring your attention back to the physical sensations of touching and being touched. Relax into what feels good.
Finally, talk to your partner about other things you can try, to keep it fresh and put an end to the idea that penis-in-vagina penetration is the main event. And use a good quality lube – it makes all kinds of sexual play more physically pleasurable, and reduces those counter-productive worries about whether/how quickly you’re getting wet. Remember: relaxation is key.
Low Libido Remedy 5: Enhance Sexual Communication With Your Partner
Asking for what you want in bed can feel difficult, especially for women who have been socialised not to be too assertive or demanding, and to put others first. Penis-in-vagina sex is seen as “standard” sex in our culture because putting men’s needs first is normalised, and challenging it might not feel easy.
For example, there are more than 8000 nerve endings in the tip of the clitoris alone – that’s more than twice as many as the entire penis! It’s extremely sensitive and sensations can be intense. Talk to your partner about this – ask them to go gently, and perhaps avoid direct pressure on the clitoris if you find it too intense. Saying what you want, not what you don’t want, is usually received best, e.g., “go softly” or “I love it when you do it really gently”.
It doesn’t matter what words we use in bed as long as we can understand each other. If you feel awkward or aren’t getting through, showing can sometimes work better than explaining.
Good sex is all about experimentation, play, and feedback (whether subtle or more direct). If the sex you’ve been having has brought one of you much more pleasure than the other, it might feel difficult to talk about, but finding ways to communicate about it will ultimately benefit you both.
Open and honest communication is key to overcoming low libido. When you find a way to discuss your feelings and concerns about your sex life with your partner, you can work together to find solutions that suit you both. By addressing the issue as a team, you’ll strengthen your connection which will also help rekindle your passion.
Low Libido After Having Children: When To Seek Professional Help
If your low libido persists, is causing distress, or impacting your relationship overall, consider seeking professional help. A sex therapist or couples counsellor can offer valuable guidance and support to address underlying issues and find practical solutions.
Tackling Low Libido After Having Children: Getting Back In The Sack After Having Kids
In summary, overcoming low libido after having children largely comes down to two main points:
- Knowing what you need (before, during, and after) in order to have sex you really enjoy (and therefore want more of)
- Knowing how to talk about that with your partner, and how to ask for what you need (gaining confidence with each conversation)
My sex after kids workbook Back In The Sack will help with both of those things and more.
What you’ll find in the workbook:
- How to identify and break the common patterns that affect couples’ intimacy, both physically and emotionally
- Practical strategies for transitioning from co-parents to passionate partners
- Techniques for a mindful approach to sex, helping you focus on pleasure and connection
- Insights into breaking the cycle of rejection and its effects
- Understanding how parenthood influences your sexual identity
- Tips for starting open conversations about sex, complete with practical examples
- Realistic insights into how sex happens in long-term relationships
- Over 30 journal and discussion prompts to delve into
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- The role of sex in your relationship
- How to overcome barriers to a satisfying sexual life with your partner
- Moving from the mindset of a responsible parent to a passionate lover
- Adjusting to changes in body image and sensations after becoming parents
- Deepening your connection through greater mutual understanding
- Communicating your desires and needs for a more fulfilling sex life
Start your journey back to feeling like lovers with the Back In The Sack workbook. Download it now and get started reigniting the passion in your relationship today!
Back In The Sack Workbook Testimonial
“With two young kids, my husband and I were really struggling to reconnect. We know it’s normal to be this tired, but neither of us was comfortable with how distant we were feeling. I’ve been following Catherine on Insta for a while and always find her posts helpful so I took the plunge and downloaded Back In The Sack. Honestly, it’s been a lifesaver. The journal prompts got us talking about stuff we hadn’t even thought about, and the tips on how to communicate better were spot on. We’ve started finding ways to make time for each other, even with the chaos of kids! Catherine really gets it. This workbook isn’t just about sex, it’s about feeling close again. If you’re a parent feeling the strain, I can’t recommend it enough. It’s made such a difference for us.”
Tackling Low Libido After Having Children
Remember that recovering your libido after having children may take time. Be patient and kind to yourself and your partner as you navigate this journey. Recognise that it’s normal to experience changes in your sexual interest, and give yourself permission to adjust to these changes.
Dealing with low libido after having children can be challenging, but it’s not insurmountable. By following these practical tips and seeking support when needed, you can reignite the flame in your relationship and enjoy a fulfilling sex life once again. For more advice and inspiration to nurture your relationship and personal wellbeing while raising children, join the mailing list. You can also download the Back In The Sack workbook here.