This blog post explores the differences between spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, emphasising that women often need more time, emotional connection, and physical contact to ignite their desire. It offers insights on improving communication between partners and overcoming barriers, promoting a more satisfying sex life.

 

The Nature of Sexual Desire: Spontaneous vs. Responsive

 

“The standard narrative of sexual desire is that it just appears – you’re sitting at lunch or walking down the street, maybe you see a sexy person or think a sexy thought, and pow! you’re saying to yourself, ‘I would like some sex’…

But some people find they begin to want sex only after sexy things are already happening. And they’re normal.

They don’t have ‘low’ desire. They don’t suffer from any ailment, and they don’t long to initiate but feel they’re not allowed to.

Their bodies just need some more compelling reason than, ‘That’s an attractive person right there,’ to want sex.”

Emily Nagoski

Do Women Experience Less Sexual Desire?

 

When you understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, it has the power to transform your sex life.

Spontaneous desire can feel like it came out of nowhere: you start thinking about and wanting sex.

On the other hand, if you tend to get in the mood only after you start kissing or touching, that’s responsive desire.

This is important, particularly for heterosexual couples. Because it is much more common for men to experience spontaneous desire than women. When couples (or even whole cultures!) don’t understand this, it can leave us thinking that women have less desire for sex. When really, most women’s desire is just ignited differently.

If you experience more responsive desire, you need a chance to warm up, to get in the mood. You might think you’re suffering from low libido after having children, when it’s actually more about how much time you’re taking to connection emotionally and physically.

 

Is It Low Libido? Overcoming Barriers To Sexual Desire And Arousal

 

Sometimes women don’t give themselves the chance to awaken their desire and feel fully aroused. Here are two common reasons:

• Thinking you have no appetite for sex, unaware that you need to spend time connecting, touching, and kissing in order to feel desire and arousal
• Worrying about how to say “thanks but no thanks” when kissing and touching don’t work their usual magic (especially if you’ve got stuck in a painful cycle of rejection) 

 

This sometimes leads women to avoid the very physical contact they need in order to feel desire. Thus creating a vicious cycle where neither partner is getting their needs for emotional or physical intimacy met.

If this sounds familiar, tell your partner about what you’ve learned (e.g. by sharing this blog post). And tell them that you suspect one of you might experience more responsive desire.

Then you can talk about the best ways for you to communicate about it in the moment, so you can give feeling sexy a chance.

 

Sex After Kids: Getting Back In The Sack

 

Do you want to learn more about sexual desire and communication? Check out my sex after kids workbook, Back In The Sack.

It’s helped hundreds of people just like you to understand what’s really getting in the way of their physical and emotional connection.

Here’s an example of the kinds of things they say:

“Before downloading the Back in the Sack workbook, I felt emotionally charged, I was always feeling guilty about not being in the mood and feeling like it was another responsibility on my mental load. Since doing the workbook we have finally talked about our feelings that we didn’t realize we had, so there’s a lot less anxiety around sex and initiation.
What was most helpful were the questions that really made us think and helped us realize how we were feeling (like me feeling like it was another responsibility I had to schedule and manage) Thank you Catherine.“

You can read more about the Back In The Sack workbook and download it here.

You can also click here to get in touch. Or click here to join my mailing list, for regular updates on how to have a great relationship and sex life after having kids.