Intimacy issues after having children are incredibly common, but they don’t mean your relationship is broken. This post explores how parenthood impacts emotional and physical closeness, why so many couples drift apart, and how small, intentional steps can help you feel connected – and desired – again.
Intimacy Issues After Having Children? How to Get the Closeness Back
Emma and Dan* used to be one of those couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other. But since having their second child, they’ve found themselves living more like housemates than lovers. Their days are full of nappies, work emails, and tidying up; by the time they collapse onto the sofa, they’re too tired to talk, let alone touch.
When they do try, it often ends in frustration. Emma ends up feeling pressured and guilty. Dan feels rejected and unwanted. They both miss each other and want to feel closer, but neither knows how to bridge the gap.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Why Intimacy Changes After Having Children
Many couples experience intimacy issues after having children – even those who felt happily connected before. And it makes sense, because parenthood changes everything: your routines, your bodies, your time, and your emotional energy.
For mothers, the physical recovery from pregnancy and birth, hormonal shifts, and sheer exhaustion can all affect how sexual they feel. For fathers, the change can be just as unsettling; they too are exhausted, and their once-affectionate partner might now seem distant or disinterested, and they don’t know how to fix it.
Add in sleepless nights, the endless to-do list, and the mental load of parenting, and it’s easy to see how sex can slip down the priority list. What used to feel natural now takes effort – and effort can feel unromantic.
But here’s what’s important to understand: intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about emotional connection – and when it’s not working, that’s usually the most helpful place to look.
Emotional Intimacy Comes First
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we talk about attachment needs: the deep human need to feel safe, seen, and loved by our partner. When that emotional bond feels shaky, physical closeness naturally diminishes.
For many couples, the distance starts with tiny moments of disconnection – a sharp comment, a missed kiss, a night where one reaches out and the other turns away. Over time, those moments add up, and it can begin to feel like you’re living parallel lives.
That’s what was happening for Emma and Dan. When Dan tried to initiate sex, Emma felt pressure. When Emma avoided his touch, Dan felt unwanted. Each was reacting to their own hurt, not realising the other was hurting too.
This cycle of approach and withdrawal is incredibly common. It’s no one’s fault – it’s a pattern that develops when both people are trying, in their own way, to protect both themselves and the relationship.
The good news is that once you can see the pattern, you can start to change it.
How to Start Reconnecting
Rebuilding intimacy after having children doesn’t start in the bedroom – it starts with how you connect throughout the day. Try these small changes to start getting closer again:
1. Focus on warmth, not performance
Simple gestures matter. Greet each other with a kiss, say thank you, check in during the day. These small moments of care remind your nervous systems that you’re on the same team.
2. Talk about how you feel, not just what’s happening
Instead of “we never have sex any more,” try “I miss feeling close to you.” Vulnerability builds trust – and trust builds the closeness that develops into desire.
3. Create time for touch that’s not about sex
Cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, or even a quick back rub (without expectations!) can help your bodies remember how good closeness can feel. When touch feels relaxed again, desire is more likely to return naturally.
4. Share what helps you relax and feel like yourself
For many parents, the biggest barrier to intimacy isn’t lack of attraction, it’s depletion. It’s hard to connect when you’re running on empty. Talk about what helps you recharge and make space for it. (And if you feel guilty, feel the guilt and do it anyway.)
5. Be patient and curious
A lot has happened to get you to the place you’re in right now, and it’ll take time to find your way back. The goal isn’t to “fix” your sex life overnight, but to understand each other better, and rebuild your sense of feeling seen by and close to each other, step by step.
The Truth About Intimacy After Children
Most couples don’t talk openly about this, so it’s easy to think everyone else is doing fine. They’re not! In fact, the Gottman Institute’s research has found that around two-thirds of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction up to three years after the birth of their first baby.
The truth is, intimacy issues after having children are not a sign that your relationship is broken. They’re a signal that you both need a little more care and attention, and a reminder to turn towards each other again.
When you start looking at intimacy as something you can nurture together, rather than something you’ve failed at, you can start making the changes you need to feel close again.
A Way to Start Rebuilding Connection
If this all feels familiar, you don’t have to navigate it alone. My workbook, Back in the Sack, was designed exactly for this – to help parents like you move from disconnection and confusion to closeness, confidence, and desire again.
It guides you through understanding what’s changed, what each of you needs, and how to start having the conversations that bring you closer – mentally, emotionally, and physically.
You can work through it on your own or together, at a pace that fits your life.
Because you both deserve to feel wanted, connected, and close again.
“This is a hugely useful book for any couples who have fallen out of the habit of sex and want to change that.”
– Anne Power, Attachment Couples Therapist
Ready to begin?
Download Back in the Sack: The Sex After Kids Workbook and start finding your way back to each other – one small, loving step at a time.
You can also join the mailing list for expert advice on relationships while parenting here.
*Emma and Dan aren’t a real couple, but the feelings and challenges they face are real – and shared by many parents working to reconnect after kids, whether it’s using the Back in the Sack workbook, in relationship coaching and therapy sessions, or using a combination of the two.