Relationship Imbalance After Kids Often Happens Gradually

Most relationship imbalance after kids doesn’t start with a conscious decision – no one sits down and says, “I’ll become responsible for remembering almost everything, and you’ll help when I ask.”

And yet, this is exactly how many mothers describe their experience of family life.

When one person spends more time with the baby, they naturally become more experienced. And when that person is a woman, she has often already spent years being conditioned to notice and remember other people’s needs before her own.

Gradually, that person becomes the keeper of information, routines, appointments, family logistics… and often also the associated emotional wellbeing.

By the time you realise what’s happened, you’ve become the default parent.

It wasn’t planned, and it’s so common, it’s easy to feel like you have to accept it as “just how it is”.

Why the Balance Often Shifts After Having Children

In most families, parenthood changes both partners’ lives significantly, but it rarely changes them equally.

Your partner may be working harder than ever before, but your day might have become almost unrecognisable.

You may find yourself:

• carrying more of the mental load
• spending more time anticipating everyone’s needs
• feeling responsible for the family’s wellbeing
• becoming the organiser, planner, and feeling like you’re the one holding everything – and everyone – together

None of this means your partner doesn’t care, and it doesn’t mean they’re intentionally leaving responsibilities to you.

In fact, in most of the families I work with as a relationship therapist and coach, everyone is working hard in their own way, doing their best to provide what’s necessary to meet their children’s physical and emotional needs.

But good intentions don’t always prevent relationship imbalance.

Sometimes both people can be working hard and still end up in a dynamic that doesn’t feel fair.

The Hidden Weight of Being the Default Parent

When people talk about unequal partnerships after having a baby, they often focus on visible tasks, like who empties the dishwasher, does bedtime, or gets up in the night.

But many mothers tell me that’s not actually the hardest part.

The hardest part is often being the one who is always thinking.  The one who notices the shoes no longer fit, remembers the school trip form, or realises there isn’t enough milk.

The one who knows which child is struggling, which grandparent needs a phone call, and which birthday party reply is due tomorrow.

And perhaps the most exhausting part is knowing that if you stop thinking about it, some of it simply won’t happen.

Feeling Alone in Your Relationship After Kids

Over time, carrying all of this can become about much more than the tasks themselves.

Because when you’re constantly thinking about what everyone else needs – but don’t feel that anyone is doing the same for you – it can start to feel lonely.

You might find yourself thinking things like: Why am I the one who has to notice everything? Why doesn’t anyone notice what I need? Why do I have to ask?

And underneath those questions can be something much more vulnerable: Am I in this on my own?

“Why doesn’t he notice this stuff?” can gradually start to feel like, “Does he just not care about me?”

That’s one reason arguments about laundry, bedtimes or who remembered the PE kit can hurt so much. You’re not necessarily fighting about the task. You’re reacting to what the task has started to represent – whether you can rely on your partner, whether they see you, and whether you’re really in this together.

Relationship Imbalance After Kids: Your Feelings About It Make Sense

Women who are carrying more than feels fair often end up feeling angry and resentful, and those feelings make sense.

Anger is a healthy response to unfairness.

It provides valuable information about what you need to change.

The problem isn’t the anger – it’s that many of us were never taught what to do with it.

So we get into patterns where we do some or all of the following:

• try not to get too annoyed
• try to convince ourselves it’s not worth bringing up
• tell ourselves we should just be grateful for what we have
• keep doing things we don’t really want to do
• stop asking because it’s easier to do it ourselves
• say “it’s fine” when it really isn’t
• feel the frustration building
• become critical, snappy, or cold
• blow up, often over something relatively small
• feel bad about how we reacted
• promise ourselves we’ll handle it better next time
• start swallowing things again

And this can be part of a painful cycle between you, too.

The more alone and unsupported you feel, the more urgently you may criticise, remind, correct, or try to get your partner to understand.

But they may hear your frustration as meaning I’m getting everything wrong, or, nothing I do is good enough. So they defend themselves, explain, shut down, or pull away.

But that only leaves you feeling even more alone.

So you push harder – because the thing you’re really longing for still hasn’t happened.

You still don’t feel seen, supported, or like you’re in this together.

Before long, you’re both caught in a cycle of reacting to each other – you getting louder or more critical, him getting more defensive or distant – while the hurt, loneliness and fear underneath don’t get spoken about.

What’s Happening Underneath the Resentment: The Emotional Experience of Living With Relationship Imbalance After Kids

Many mothers tell me about how resentful they’ve been feeling in an almost whispered tone, as if it’s something they must keep quiet about or should be ashamed of.

Underneath “Why do I have to do everything?!” there is often a much more vulnerable question: Can I rely on you?

Underneath “Why do I always have to ask?” might be: Do you think about me too?

And underneath “Why don’t you understand how hard this is?” might be: Are we really a team? Do I matter to you?

Those feelings can feel much harder to express than anger.

It’s often easier to say, “You never bloody think!” than, “I’m struggling, and I really need to feel that you’re here with me”.

So the anger becomes the part your partner sees, while the loneliness underneath it remains painfully hidden.

Why Awareness Alone Doesn’t Change Relationship Imbalance After Kids

By this point, you probably don’t need anyone to tell you you’re feeling resentful.

What you may not know is what to do with that resentment, before it either gets swallowed again or comes out in another row.

In my work, I teach that feelings are messengers about needs.

Feeling resentful doesn’t mean anything bad about you; it’s just information.

It’s telling you that something isn’t working, that it matters, and it needs your attention.

The next step is understanding what that feeling is trying to tell you, then responding to that need.

How Relationship Imbalance Can Leave You Feeling Less Like Yourself

Living like this leads to another loss for many mums, too.

When so much of your attention is directed towards anticipating, organising, remembering and responding to other people’s needs, there’s less space to notice your own.

Less space to ask yourself:

• What do I want?
• What do I enjoy?
• What do I need?
• What matters to me now?

You can become incredibly competent at keeping family life running, while gradually becoming less connected to the woman who’s doing all that work.

And if you’re also monitoring your partner – whether they’re annoyed, whether you can ask for something, whether it’s easier just to do it yourself – even more of your attention gets pulled outwards.

That’s why the answer isn’t to somehow get better at coping with everything you’re carrying.

It’s more about coming back to your relationship with yourself – noticing your feelings, taking your needs seriously, and allowing yourself to have limits, preferences, and desires again.

From Resentment to Clear Requests That Invite Cooperation Not Defensiveness

Most mums come to me after trying to improve things in their relationship for a while.

There’s often been a lot of talking – and sometimes arguing – but the same old patterns keep taking over.

Over many years supporting parents with their relationships, I kept noticing the same thing: people were trying incredibly hard, but nobody had ever taught them the emotional and relational skills that create genuine partnership.

Those are the skills I now teach through my relationship coaching programme, Love Happy Live Free.

Imagine feeling clearer about how something isn’t working for you, before you’ve spent three weeks going back and forth about it in your own mind.

Being able to tell your partner what you need without rehearsing the conversation in your head all day.

Asking him to take responsibility for something, without feeling like you need to manage exactly how he does it.

Getting through a difficult conversation without one of you exploding and the other shutting down.

Knowing what’s okay with you – and trusting yourself enough to say when it isn’t.

Love Happy Live Free gives you a clear blueprint so you know exactly how to:

• understand your emotions
• identify your needs
• communicate them clearly
• make healthy requests
• tolerate difficult conversations
• create genuine partnership

These are skills most of us were never taught – but they are learnable.

And they can transform both your relationship and your experience of motherhood.

Relationship Imbalance After Kids: Change Starts With Taking Yourself Seriously

If your relationship feels unequal after having children, it doesn’t automatically mean that your partner doesn’t care or your relationship is broken, although it might feel like that sometimes.

You can want your partner to notice more, take more responsibility, and understand what all of this has been like for you – and you can start noticing yourself more too.

How you’re feeling, what you need, what you’re no longer willing to keep carrying. What’s actually okay with you – and what isn’t.

Because when you start taking your own feelings, needs and limits more seriously, you start showing up differently in your relationship – and giving your partner a clearer sense of how you expect to be treated.

Sometimes part of feeling more noticed is learning not to overlook yourself.

Further Support

If this post resonated with you, you might also enjoy:

• How to Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids
• How to Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner
• I Feel Lonely in My Relationship After Kids: Is This Normal?

You can also:

• join my mailing list for regular insights about relationships after kids
• get in touch if you’d like support individually or with your partner

The post Relationship Imbalance After Kids: When Parenthood Tips Your Relationship Off Balance appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Sex After Having Children – What Parenthood Does To Intimacy

Sex after having children can become… complicated.

Before kids came along, sex might have felt spontaneous, easy, playful, reassuring, or just part of the rhythm of your relationship.

After children, it can sometimes start to feel loaded.

It can become another thing to think about, or another thing you feel you’re not doing enough. For many parents it becomes another area where you feel some combination of guilty, rejected, resentful, lonely, or misunderstood.

And because sex is so intimate, it can become the place where everything else you’re feeling has the biggest impact.

The tiredness, the resentment, the emotional load. The lack of time alone. The feeling that your body doesn’t quite belong to you in the same way any more. The sadness of wondering where the two of you went.

So sex after kids is definitely not just about sex.

It’s often about how much you feel like yourself – the person who had opinions, interests, desires, plans, energy, and curiosity. About how much you  feel wanted. And about whether you still feel free enough, safe enough, and relaxed enough to let your partner come close.

You can love your partner and still not feel desire

You can love your partner deeply and still not feel particularly sexual towards them – especially if you’re in a phase of life where you feel needed all the time.

If you’ve spent the day being climbed on, asked for snacks, managing everyone’s emotions, remembering the school email, sorting the washing, planning dinner, noticing what needs doing, and trying to keep some tiny part of yourself intact… it makes sense if your body doesn’t instantly switch into lover mode at bedtime.

It can be difficult, once we become parents, to move from Mum or Dad to lover.

And for many mothers in particular, sex can start to feel like another demand on a body and nervous system that are already overstretched.

That doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, and it doesn’t mean you’ll never want sex again.

But it probably does mean there’s something going on that’s worth paying attention to.

Low desire is often a message

When desire declines or disappears, it might be trying to tell us something.

Sometimes it fades because you’re exhausted, touched out, or don’t feel good in your body.

Sometimes it’s because you feel emotionally disconnected, especially if you’ve been feeling resentful about how much seems to fall to you.

Often it’s because you’ve become so focused on caring for everyone else that you’ve lost touch with yourself – and it’s difficult to access desire when you’ve lost access to your own wants, needs, feelings, and dreams.

Sometimes it isn’t really that you don’t want sex – it’s that you don’t want the kind of sex that feels like one more thing to you provide for someone else.

It’s that you want to feel close, relaxed, and wanted – not needed.

You want to feel like a woman – not just a mother, organiser, problem-solver, or emotional support system, but alive, playful, attractive, interesting, and free.

So rather than asking, “How do we have more sex?” it can be much more useful to ask:

What would need to change for closeness to feel possible again?

Your sex life after having children often reflects the atmosphere between you

When individuals or couples come to me struggling with sex after kids, the conversation is rarely just about sex.

It’s usually about the whole emotional climate of the relationship.

How much do you feel like a team?

How often do you feel appreciated?

Can ask for what you need without it feeling tense?

How much do you feel like your partner sees what you’re carrying?

Do you feel able to say no without guilt?

Do you feel able to say yes without pressure?

Are there still moments of affection, humour, warmth, and ordinary everyday kindness?

Because physical intimacy rarely thrives in an atmosphere of criticism, defensiveness, scorekeeping, or resentment.

It grows much more naturally where there’s emotional safety, generosity, honesty, and enough space for both people to feel like themselves.

And most women don’t actually come to me because they want more sex.

They come because they want to feel more like themselves: more confident, honest, relaxed, and able to enjoy the life they’ve worked so hard to build.

Sex is often just one of the places where they notice how much they’ve drifted away from that version of themselves.

You don’t need to force desire

The last thing couples need is to feel more pressure around sex – because pressure tends to make desire retreat even further.

What most couples need is a way back to each other where neither of them feels blamed.

That might mean talking more honestly about what sex has come to represent in your relationship.

Rebuilding affection without expecting it to lead anywhere.

Addressing any resentment that has built up between you.

Making practical changes so one person isn’t carrying so much.

And it might mean reconnecting with your own body, pleasure, confidence, and desires, before you try to reconnect sexually with your partner.

Because when you’ve lost touch with yourself, it’s hard to feel genuinely available to someone else.

Back in the Sack will support you to get clarity about what you need from your partner both inside and outside the bedroom, so you can rebuild connection from there.

Maybe sex is one way we remember who we are

Sex can be very good for us.

Good sex can calm the nervous system, bring us back into our bodies, release stress, and help us feel close.

It can remind us that we are more than the logistics and packed lunches and bedtime routines.

It can remind us of who we were in the beginning.

And maybe that’s one of the things sex is for.

Not as a performance, an obligation, or an attempt to prove that everything is fine…

But as a way of saying: we’re still here. Underneath all this change, we’re still “us”.

Sex after having children – finding your way back

If sex has become difficult since having children, try not to panic or blame yourself or your partner.

It helps more to get curious instead.

What has changed between you?

What has changed within you?

How have you been feeling? Are you exhausted, resentful, lonely, overwhelmed, or disconnected?

What do you need more of?

What do you need less of?

And what would help you reconnect with yourself again?

Because the way back to sex often isn’t through trying harder to have sex.

It’s through rebuilding the conditions which cultivate closeness: honesty, warmth, equality, pleasure, and room for you both to be whole people, not just parents.

For most women, the goal isn’t simply to have more sex – it’s to become the version of you who knows what she wants, can receive as well as give, and feels fully present in her life.

The version who feels connected to herself, and therefore capable of deeper connection with everyone else.

Back In The Sack is for you if you want support with both emotional and physical intimacy after having children.

Want support with this?

If you’ve been feeling tense, disconnected, or resentful in your relationship since having children, you’re not alone – and you don’t have to wait for your partner to change before something can shift.

Love Happy Live Free is my coaching programme for mothers who want to understand the patterns underneath resentment and disconnection, communicate more clearly about what matters, and create a relationship that feels calmer, closer, fairer, and more like a team again.

You can do the work on your own, even if your partner isn’t ready.

Click here to get in touch, and click here to join my mailing list for regular updates on how to have a great relationship after kids.

The post It’s Not Really About Sex: What Parenthood Does To Intimacy appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Why Mothers Put Themselves Last – and How to Stop

I love telling each of my daughters about the day they were born. Stories they’ve heard many times before now – details they remember now so well they sometimes get in there before me.

The shock of seeing an actual human face, and realising there really was a baby in there all that time. How tiny and helpless they were. All of us crying as we said hello for the very first time.

So tiny and vulnerable, reliant on us to decode their cries and meet their every need. We had much to learn, were so eager to find ways to anticipate those needs and prevent those cries.

Our whole lives turned around in an instant!

We didn’t just want to put them first – we needed to. We had to.

And for many mums in straight relationships, within hours, days, or weeks, we become more experienced than our partners. We spend more time with our babies, while our partners’ lives change less dramatically. We spend most of our time in one role: Mum.

We sleep in too short stretches. We stop hearing our own thoughts properly. We forget who we were, and start wondering who we are now.

Because this is what a “good mum” does, isn’t it? She puts her baby first.

And then months or years pass, and one day you realise that putting yourself last slowly became your normal.

You feed everyone else before you sit down. You think about everyone else’s schedules, feelings, and needs before your own. You spend so much time responding to other people that by the end of the day, you barely know what you want yourself.

And often, this doesn’t just lead to exhaustion. It leads to resentment, disconnection, and identity loss. And it’s part of the story of a relationship that no longer feels equal, or as close as you want it to be.

If you’ve been wondering how to stop putting yourself last as a mum, it’s important to understand this: this pattern didn’t start with you.

How To Stop Putting Yourself Last As A Mum – Why So Many Mothers Put Themselves Last

As women, we absorb powerful messages about what a “good mother” should be from when we’re little girls.

Patient, selfless, constantly available. Putting everyone else first without complaint.

These ideas are deeply reinforced by both family cultures and wider society.

Women are still often expected to carry the emotional load of family life – noticing needs, maintaining some kind of harmony, anticipating problems, and absorbing stress while trying to never be “too much”.

This emotional labour is exhausting.

And because so much of it is both invisible and expected, many mothers don’t fully recognise the weight of what they’re carrying.

Instead, they blame themselves, telling themselves they should be coping better.

But it’s not your fault if you feel this way. When your attention is constantly directed outwards, it becomes much harder to stay connected to yourself.

The Link Between Mum Burnout and Identity Loss

Maternal burnout isn’t just about being too busy.

It’s often caused by being psychologically and emotionally overextended for long periods of time, without enough rest, support, or space to exist as a full person outside the roles you occupy for others.

Over time, this can leave you feeling like you’ve lost yourself in motherhood, or you’re not quite sure who you are any more.

You might still be functioning pretty well, getting things done, keeping on top of everyone else’s needs.

But underneath, you might be feeling:

• disconnection from yourself
• resentment about how much you’re carrying
• difficulty accessing joy, desire, or spontaneity
• emotionally flat or constantly overstimulated
• wondering when you stopped feeling like yourself

Many mothers find it difficult to acknowledge these feelings. They often tell me they feel guilty, especially when they love their children so deeply.

But love and depletion don’t cancel each other out.

Gratitude and resentment can coexist too.

Why Putting Yourself Last Impacts Your Relationship

This dynamic doesn’t just affect you individually, it affects your relationship too.

When one partner consistently suppresses their own needs, resentment often builds underneath the surface.

At first, this resentment might look like irritability, withdrawal, or feeling emotionally disconnected.

Over time, it can feel harder to communicate openly and honestly.

You might be feeling:

• unsupported
• unseen
• emotionally alone in the relationship
• less attracted to your partner
• resentful that your life seems to have changed more than theirs

And because many women have been conditioned to avoid being “difficult”, they often suppress these feelings for a long time before speaking about them directly.

This is one of the reasons resentment after kids is so common.

It’s not usually about one isolated incident, but the patterns that develop when one person’s needs coming last becomes normalised.

A Dynamic Many Mothers Recognise

You might notice this pattern in moments that can seem small on the surface.

Your partner asks what you’d like to do at the weekend, and you genuinely don’t know.

You finally get an hour to yourself and spend most of it catching up on jobs, because relaxing feels unfamiliar or indulgent.

You notice yourself fantasising about being alone in a hotel room – or even a hospital bed! – just so nobody needs anything from you for a while.

Many mothers worry about being selfish when their children need them so much, but our children need us to not let ourselves get depleted.

Moments like this are signs that parts of you have been pushed too far down the priority list for too long.

How to Stop Putting Yourself Last as a Mum

Mums who have their own needs in balance with the rest of their family are not less caring, less generous, or less committed.

In fact, they’re modelling something very healthy for their children: that women’s needs matter too.

Consistently putting yourself last tends to harm both you and your relationships in the long run.

But the good news is that small changes can go a long way in learning how to stop putting yourself last as a mum.

1. Notice where self-sacrifice has become automatic

Many mothers no longer consciously choose to put themselves last, it’s more that it gradually becomes the default.

Start by noticing where you automatically prioritise everyone else’s comfort, emotions, or needs above your own.

Awareness is the first step toward change.

2. Stop treating your needs as less important

Your needs are not inconvenient, they’re fundamental to you feeling healthy, connected, and fully yourself.

This includes your needs for:

• rest
• space
• support
• pleasure
• autonomy
• adult connection

Many women know this intellectually, but still struggle to live as though it’s true. If you recognise yourself in this, coaching and therapy can help.

3. Recognise that resentment is information

Feelings of resentment are often a sign that something important has been ignored for too long.

Women often judge themselves for feeling resentful, but resentment is a feeling like any other, i.e. a message about your needs.

Try asking yourself:

• What feels unfair here?
• What do I need that I haven’t allowed myself to fully acknowledge?

For more support with resentment after kids, download The Resentment Reset today.

4. Think about what you need for your relationship to evolve too

If you’ve been putting yourself last for a while, you might have noticed some uncomfortable patterns developing in your relationship, too.

Maybe you’ve withdrawn emotionally from your partner. Perhaps you try to be cool, but the emotions build until you blow up. Maybe you get caught in a frustrating cycle of criticism and defensiveness.

Many couples get caught in cycles of blame, whether you’re seeing your partner or yourself as the problem.

If you recognise yourself in this, it’s not your fault, and it’s not your partner’s either. There’s so much you can do to change these patterns, whether you want to work on them solo or together.

How To Stop Putting Yourself Last As A Mum – You Matter Too

If you’ve been wondering how to stop putting yourself last as a mum, it’s likely because part of you already knows something needs to change.

You do not need to earn rest, support, space, or care by reaching complete exhaustion first, and centring yourself more fully does not make you selfish.

It often makes relationships healthier, communication clearer, and connection more sustainable.

If this post resonated with you, you might also find these helpful:

• How to Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids
• My free guide to understanding and resolving resentment

You’re also very welcome to:

• join my mailing list for more honest conversations about relationships after kids
• get in touch if you’d like support individually or with your partner

The post How To Stop Putting Yourself Last As A Mum (On Mum Burnout & Identity Loss) appeared first on Insight & Connection.

How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner

How to deal with resentment towards your partner – it’s a question many of us ask at some point, especially after becoming parents. In fact, it’s more common than most people expect. Resentment can feel uncomfortable to admit, let alone talk about. But it’s a natural response when your life has changed more than your partner’s and the way you’re dividing your roles and responsibilities feels unfair.

You might notice it in small moments. A comment that lands badly. The dishwasher being loaded “wrong”. That feeling of doing more, holding more, or caring more – and not quite being met in the same way.

If you’ve been wondering how to deal with resentment towards your partner, you’re in the right place. This post will help you to think about what’s really going on underneath, and to understand what actually helps.

The Poison of Resentment: Recognising and Understanding the Emotion

You’ve probably heard the famous line (attributed variously) that “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

This idea makes sense, because if resentment is left to build – turning into seething or ranting without managing to change anything – it can become corrosive.

However, resentment is a feeling like any other, and feelings are messengers about needs.

Resentment is the feeling of bitter indignation that we experience when things feel unfair.

It’s natural to feel angry or annoyed when things don’t feel fair!

In fact, the physical sensations in our bodies that we recognise as resentment are how we know something isn’t right.

They’re how we know that something needs to change.

So next time you feel resentful, try not to judge the emotion.

Ask yourself this instead: what do I need?

How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner: Addressing Your Needs – Shifting Focus and Practicing Gratitude

When we’re feeling resentful, we usually feel like someone else is getting a better deal than us.

So what do you need, to redress the balance?

The answer might not be obvious straight away. Perhaps you just know something feels off, like you’re doing more than your share, or giving more than you’re getting back.

Often one or both partners get stuck, thinking “it’s alright for you”, focusing on what their partner is or isn’t doing or getting.

When you shift the focus to what YOU want and need – and practice gratitude for what you have – things start to look different.

It can help to think about it like this: if you were getting what you needed and wanted, would you feel resentful of your partner getting what they need and want?

Each of us is responsible for our own happiness, even though it doesn’t always feel that simple.

Of course, there are limits on time, money etc. – especially when we have young children – so we can’t always all get what we want, at least not at the same time.

The causes of resentment can’t always be fixed overnight.

But thinking of resentment as poison won’t help you; feeling the emotion and acknowledging what it’s there to tell you will.

Then you can work out what you need to relieve it. (My free 7-step action plan out of resentment and short course The Contented Relationship Guide can help with that.)

Differences and Disagreements: Do They Fuel Resentment?

“If I were to air how I feel… the worst thing that could happen would be to bring my ‘war’ out into the open where it could be waged more intelligently. And we might even come to a better understanding…” – Perls, Hefferline & Goodman

Sometimes resentment builds up when we’ve been struggling to deal with differences in opinions, expectations, or how we each approach important matters like parenting.

Ideally, both partners would feel free to say what they think and feel. But when you’re not confident that you’ll be able to either reach a place of genuine agreement or agree to disagree, this can difficult.

Do you or your partner ever sulk, withdraw, get offended, pretend to agree just to keep the peace, or brush issues under the carpet?

Being two different people with different coping styles can be hard sometimes!

You might worry about the differences between you, ask for lots of reassurance that you’re okay, or even try to mould yourself to fit what you think your partner wants from you.

Or maybe you get caught up in arguments about who’s “right” and who’s “wrong”, neither of you feeling heard.

How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner: Learning To Face Our Differences For A Healthier Relationship

The trouble with avoiding conflict – or repeating patterns of highly escalated conflict – is that disagreements are actually good for us!

As long as we air them in ways which respect each other’s opinions, desires, and responsibilities, differences in our points of view keep a relationship alive, and both partners growing.

Strong feelings of either – or both – guilt and resentment can be a sign that you’re struggling with differences between you and your partner internally, instead of getting them out in the open.

Resentment creeps in when we’re not being fully open with each other about our wants and needs – or not staying with it long enough to get to meaningful change.

It sometimes happens when we’re afraid to let each other see our whole selves, with our whole range of desires (including ones which are inconvenient to our partners).

You’re two different people, so of course you have differences, and they’re going to present challenges.

Do you want to know how to deal with resentment towards your partner? Part of learning to deal with it is finding a way to share how you feel, and what you want and need. It’s a skill to do this constructively, and with confidence that your feelings, wants and needs are as valid as your partner’s.

Another part of the process is to ask them how they feel and what they want and need, with the same openness to hearing about it and taking it seriously that you want from them.

To be truly close, we have to be authentic and open, including to our differences.

If you want to work on this, talking with a relationship therapist can help.

The Dangers Of Being Agreeable

“Resentment. It’s the consequence of our own agreeableness, anger stuck in a loop. It’s the hatred we suppress when we are forbidden to give voice to the ways we are hurt or humiliated or frustrated.” – Tiffany Watt Smith

Tiffany Watt Smith goes on to describe resentment as “an emotion which ‘seethes’ and is ‘buried’. And is harboured by lurkers and keyhole-listeners, who aren’t brave enough to show their true feelings, but take a perverse sort of pleasure in feeling hard-done-by, by not wanting to tell others what the problem is lest it be resolved.”

It can feel a bit uncomfortable to read something like that – especially when you’re already trying your best.

It feels at risk of blaming or shaming to me, but worth taking on board and thinking through.

Are you brave enough to show your true feelings in your relationship?

What might hold you back?

The parents I work with don’t seem to take much pleasure in feeling hard-done-by.

When they come to me, they’re usually struggling to understand what exactly what is happening between them in their more difficult moments. Battling to explain them to each other. And making efforts to resolve them, then getting frustrated when things slip back.

How Trying To SuppressResentment Keeps You Feeling Stuck

Tiffany Watt Smith goes on to tell us how Nietzsche described resentment as “an emotion obsessed with compensation rather than action”.

That reminded me of Perls, Hefferline and Goodman saying that;

“Guilt is the self-punitive, vindictive attitude toward oneself when one assumes responsibility… resentment is the demand that the other person feel guilty.”

How does that sit with you?

Do you want your partner to feel guilty? (It’s a difficult question, but might be an important one to sit with.)

Or do you want action?

Change?

The question is: what keeps you agreeable?

What stops you from giving voice to the ways in which you feel hurt, or humiliated, or frustrated?

If you want to know how to deal with resentment towards your partner, the answer might be on the other side of those questions.

It can be difficult to talk about these feelings, especially if you’ve been getting caught up in repeated patterns of conflict or withdrawal. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch if you would like my support with that.

How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner: Strategies For A Healthier Relationship

Resentment isn’t the problem – it’s a sign.

If you’re feeling resentful towards your partner, it usually means something important needs attention. Perhaps it’s a need that hasn’t been expressed, a difference that hasn’t been worked through, or a dynamic that no longer feels okay for you.

Learning how to deal with resentment towards your partner isn’t about suppressing the feeling or just trying to think more positively. It’s about understanding what’s underneath it, and finding ways to respond that create more balance and connection.

If parts of this felt familiar, that awareness could be the beginning of something changing for you.

But remember, resentment is a complex emotion, and relationships are complicated too. You don’t have to figure this all out alone.

If you found this article about how to deal with resentment towards your partner helpful, you might like to check out these further resources:

• How To Resolve Resentment In Relationships: Tackling Shared Responsibilities
• Is It Normal To Resent Your Partner After Having A Baby?
• The Contented Relationship Guide, my short course all about how to go from resentment to contentment

You can also click here to join my mailing list, or click here to get in touch.

The post How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner: Understanding And Overcoming Resentment appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Why Self-Aware Women Still React in Relationships

Many self-aware women find that even with quite a lot of reflection and personal growth, they still snap, shut down, or react more strongly than they want to with their partner. This post explains why – and what’s actually going on underneath. So if you’ve ever wondered, “why do I react so strongly in my relationship?”, you’re in the right place.

As a relationship therapist and coach working with individuals and couples, here’s something I hear often from thoughtful, self-aware women: “I feel like I should know better than this… so why do I still react like this?”

They’ve usually read relationship books, listened to podcasts, and done some self-development work. They’re familiar with a few different communication tools, and they speak the language of “self-regulation” and “co-regulation” – at least when it comes to their kids.

And yet, in the heat of the moment, when things get tense with their partner, they still find themselves snapping, withdrawing, or saying things they later regret.

If that’s you, it can feel confusing and disheartening, like maybe you’re not so self-aware after all. But that’s not actually what’s going on.

Why You React So Strongly in Your Relationship

When you react strongly with your partner, it’s usually not because you lack awareness or emotional intelligence.

It’s because your nervous system has been activated.

When something feels upsetting, unfair, or threatening – even in a subtle way – your brain and body respond quickly.

It’s quite normal to go into self-protection mode at moments like this.

And what usually happens next looks something like this:

• feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotion
• snapping or criticising
• becoming defensive
• shutting down or withdrawing

In these moments, your thinking brain takes a step back, and your reactive patterns take over.

This is why you can “know better” and still struggle to do better in the moment.

Why Your Relationship Is the Place This Happens Most

Many women notice that they are pretty calm, capable, and thoughtful in most areas of their life, but far more reactive in their relationship with their partner, and this isn’t a coincidence.

Our closest relationships tend to activate us more than anything else.

This is because your partner is the person you want to rely on for support, understanding, and connection. So when something feels off – even something small – it can impact you deeply.

Often, the reaction isn’t just about what’s happening now, it’s also about what it represents.

For example, feeling unheard might tap into a deeper fear of not being valued. Feeling unsupported might connect to a feeling you’re carrying too much on your own, and maybe feeling disconnected and lonely. And all of it can touch on past hurts when they remain unresolved.

These are what we call relational triggers. And they’re not random – they’re linked to expectations, needs, and past experiences.

Why Do I React So Strongly In My Relationship? A Personal Example You Might Recognise

I remember one day when I was doing some washing up and my husband made a comment about the state of the kitchen at the end of the day.

On the surface, it was small, but I instantly felt a surge of irritation.

What came out was sharper than I intended, and quite unfair.

Later, I realised it wasn’t really about the kitchen. It was about how much I’d been holding that day, and how unseen I felt in that moment.

This is often how emotional triggers work: the reaction makes more sense once you understand what’s underneath it.

And connection comes when you find a way to share it without triggering your partner’s nervous system in a very similar way – so you can talk without getting drawn into vicious cycles that leave you both feeling misunderstood and hurt.

Why Awareness Alone Doesn’t Change This

It can be incredibly frustrating when you have a sense of your own patterns, recognise your triggers, can even predict how a conversation might go… and you still find yourself reacting in exactly the same ways.

The reason for this is that awareness and behaviour operate on different systems.

Most of the information you’ve consumed about relationships likely lives in your thinking mind.

But your reactions are driven by your nervous system – especially when you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally exposed.

In those moments, knowing what you “should” do isn’t always enough to change what actually happens.

What’s Often Missing: Relational Insight & Skills

This is where many forms of personal growth fall short when it comes to relationships.

They help you understand yourself, which is valuable.

But they don’t always give you the skills to stay grounded and respond differently when things feel intense.

Relational skills are what allow you to:

• notice when you’re becoming activated
• pause before reacting
• regulate your own emotions
• stay connected to yourself while communicating
• express what you need without criticising or shutting down
• repair more quickly after difficult moments

This is why I developed the Love Happy Live Free method, so you can not just understand your patterns, but change how you respond in the moment.

Why Do I React So Strongly In My Relationship? Because You’re Human – But You Can Create More Calm And Connection

If you react strongly in your relationship, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human, and your nervous system is doing its job.

The goal isn’t to eliminate those reactions completely. It’s to understand them, respond to them differently, and reduce how often they escalate or linger.

Over time, this creates a relationship that feels calmer, safer, and more connected – with yourself first, and then with your partner.

If You’re Ready to Respond Differently

Many women find they react more strongly in their relationships when they’re not feeling like themselves – especially after having kids. If you relate, you might find this helpful: How to Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids

If parts of this blogpost felt familiar, that awareness could be the beginning of something changing for you.

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

If you’d like support with this, you’re very welcome to:

• Join my mailing list for regular insights about relationships after kids
• Get in touch to explore working with me individually or with your partner

The post Why Do I React So Strongly in My Relationship? (Even When I Know Better) appeared first on Insight & Connection.

How to Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids

As a therapist and coach specialising in relationships while parenting, I have conversations every week with mothers who tell me “I don’t feel like myself since having kids”. And as a mother, I’ve been there myself. We all know that becoming parents will change our lives, but the identity shift that comes with it can feel unsettling, confusing, and disorienting. The good news is that feeling like yourself again is possible – and rebuilding your sense of self tends to have a positive impact on your relationship, too.

Life with young children has many wonderful moments, but it’s also extremely demanding. The days are long, and we spend so much of them meeting other people’s needs. Our sense of identity is built around the roles we fill and the ways we spend our time, so it makes sense to feel a bit lost when all of this changes so much.

It’s normal to feel this way even when nothing is obviously wrong, your children are doing well, and life is busy and full. Many women find that even when their relationship looks stable from the outside, they feel a strange kind of emptiness. When you’re out of touch with your truest self, connection with others often feels difficult or unsatisfying too.

And with so little time to think about or feel like yourself, many mothers find this feeling creeps up on them, until one day you find yourself asking: When did I stop feeling like myself?

If you’ve been wondering how to feel like yourself again after having kids, this blogpost will help you understand why this happens, and what might help in your mission to reconnect with yourself.

Why So Many Mothers Don’t Feel Like Themselves After Having Kids

Becoming a parent is one of the most profound identity shifts we experience.

Suddenly, your time, attention, and emotional energy are directed outwards, almost constantly. To care for children well, we have to be responsive, flexible, and make a lot of sacrifices.

Over time, many mothers start to feel as though parts of themselves have faded into the background.

You might recognise some of these feelings:

• You struggle to remember what you enjoy that isn’t related to parenting
• You feel more reactive or impatient in your relationship
• You feel responsible for keeping everything running smoothly
• You feel strangely disconnected from the person you used to be

Maybe the children are finally asleep and you sit down with a cup of tea. The house is quiet for the first time all day. And instead of feeling relieved, you suddenly realise you don’t quite know what to do with yourself.

Or perhaps you get a rare opportunity to have a few hours to yourself, and you genuinely don’t know what to do with the time.

This can bring up some difficult emotions about motherhood itself, but many mothers feel this way alongside enormous love and pride in their children.

Often it simply means you’ve lost touch with your own needs – and clarity in your sense of self has followed.

The Three Losses Many Mothers Experience After Kids

In my work with parents, I often see three areas where women feel a sense of loss after having children – sometimes quite subtle, sometimes more dramatic.

1. Loss of your sense of self

In motherhood, your identity can become heavily defined by caring for others.

You might feel like you’re constantly responding to everyone else’s needs – your children, your partner, your work, your home – while rarely pausing to ask what you need.

Over time, this can leave you feeling like a version of yourself who is there for everyone else, but not really thriving in yourself.

2. Loss of equality

Even in loving relationships, many mothers gradually become the default parent and organiser of family life, while also carrying much of the family’s emotional labour.

You might find yourself feeling responsible for everyone’s needs, remembering the logistics, and carrying the mental load of the household.

This can create a sense of imbalance that affects both your wellbeing and your relationship. And when it’s not addressed, resentment often follows.

3. Loss of intimacy

When life revolves around feeds, naps, drop-offs and pick-ups, lunches, work, and bedtimes, it’s normal for there to be a change in how you connect as partners – both emotionally and physically.

With so much less time to just be together, many couples fall into a habit of managing life together, rarely feeling deeply connected.

This doesn’t necessarily mean the love has gone – but it can leave both of you feeling less like yourselves with each other.

Why Mothers Need Support To Move Through This Phase

The way our society is set up now means that many women are doing a lot of the work of mothering alone.

This in itself is part of the challenge. Historically, mothers often cared for children alongside others – chatting with women in similar or later phases of motherhood, spending enough time together for deeper conversations, even with the many interruptions!

Nowadays, many women are trying to fill this gap, scrolling on social media, reading, and listening to podcasts – all of which can be helpful at times.

We have access to more information than ever. But there’s a limit to how much information alone can change how we feel. Sometimes the more we take in, the less it seems to translate into feeling calmer, happier, or more connected to others.

The reason for this is that understanding alone isn’t enough. When we become parents, the emotional and relational demands on us increase dramatically. Without the skills to stay grounded and communicate clearly under pressure, it’s easy to fall back into old patterns.

Mums need support and guidance through this phase, and learning relational skills can be a powerful next step in your personal growth.

How to Start Feeling Like Yourself Again After Having Kids

You don’t need to make dramatic life changes to start reconnecting with yourself. Often it begins with small shifts in how you relate to yourself and your own needs. Here are a few starting points:

1. Notice where you’ve been putting yourself last

Many mothers become used to prioritising everyone else’s needs automatically.  Simply noticing this pattern is an important first step. What was best for your children when they were tiny won’t be best for them for each new phase as they grow up, but making those adjustments can feel challenging, so go easy on yourself.

2. Listen to your emotions as information

Feelings like resentment, loneliness, or irritability are often signs that something in your life needs attention. Many mothers feel guilty about these feelings, and try to suppress them. Try asking yourself instead what they might be trying to tell you.

3. Reconnect with parts of yourself that existed before parenthood

A little time for yourself can go a long way when you’ve been feeling a bit lost. It can be difficult to know what to do with yourself when you haven’t been used to having that freedom. You might start by asking: what interests, friendships, creativity, or movement did you used to enjoy?

4. Recognise that your relationship may need to evolve too

When mothers reconnect with themselves, something interesting often happens: their relationship starts to change too. Sometimes those changes can feel difficult, at least at first.

However, when you feel clearer about your needs and boundaries, communication becomes easier, and resentment tends to reduce.

In other words, feeling like yourself again doesn’t just help you. It can transform the emotional atmosphere of your relationship. And that matters enormously, because it’s the environment your children are growing up in.

Feel Like Yourself Again: You’re Not Lost – You’re Evolving

If you’ve been searching for how to feel like yourself again after having kids, it’s likely because part of you senses that something in your life needs to change.

This can be uncomfortable. But when you respond to it, it’s often temporary.

It’s often a sign that you’ve outgrown old ways of coping, relating, and putting yourself last.

Learning how to reconnect with yourself – while also building stronger relational skills – can create a calmer, more satisfying family life for you and your whole family.

How To Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids: Want Support With This?

I’m Catherine Topham Sly, a BACP-accredited therapist and relationship coach specialising in relationships after kids.

I help parents who feel lost, resentful, or disconnected after becoming parents learn the relational and emotional skills that help them feel more like themselves again – while creating stronger, more connected relationships.

If this blogpost resonated with you, you’re very welcome to:

• Join my mailing list for regular insights about relationships after kids
• Get in touch if you’d like to explore working with me individually or with your partner

The post How to Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Postpartum Sex Problems: Why They Happen and How to Start Reconnecting

Feeling unsure about sex after having a baby is far more common than most people realise. If you’re finding it stressful, painful, or just feeling distant from your partner and unsure how to bridge that gap, you might then start worrying about what it means about you and your relationship. Let’s look at what might be going on, and some gentle ways to begin finding your way back to each other.

“I thought I’d be ready by now…”

At six weeks postpartum, Rachel* got the all-clear. Everyone said things would “go back to normal”. But when they finally tried, it felt uncomfortable – and tense. Mo* worried about hurting her; she worried about disappointing him. They both missed the easy closeness they used to have. And they didn’t quite know how to talk about it.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples experience postpartum sex problems – not because there’s anything wrong with either of them, but because becoming parents changes our bodies, our routines, our energy, and for most couples, the ways we connect. There’s a lot to process, and it makes sense that intimacy feels different for a while.

Why Postpartum Sex Problems Are So Common

There isn’t one simple cause for postpartum sex problems – it’ more like a cluster of perfectly understandable changes that affect desire, comfort, and confidence:

• Physical recovery. Vaginal births, C-sections, tears, stitches, and scar tissue all take time to heal. Tenderness, dryness, and tightness are common early on.
• Hormonal shifts. Oestrogen levels drop after birth (and can remain lower while breastfeeding), which can contribute to vaginal dryness and reduced arousal.
• Exhaustion and overload. Broken sleep, round-the-clock feeding, and the mental load of keeping a tiny human alive leave very little bandwidth for pleasure or playfulness.
• Body image and identity. Your body has done something extraordinary. It may not feel familiar yet. Feeling “at home” in it again can take time.
• New roles and routines. Many couples slide into practical “business mode”. To get through this phase, you have to learn to function well as co-parents. This means that the lovers part of your relationship tends to get less attention.

None of this means sex won’t happen again. It means you both need care, patience, and the right kind of support while your bodies and relationship adjust.

It’s Not Just Physical: The Emotional Side of Postpartum Sex

In my work with couples, I’ve found that most sexual difficulties after birth are as much about emotional connection as they are about our bodies. When you feel safe, understood, and cared for, your nervous system relaxes – and that’s crucial for desire to develop.

Here’s a very common pattern: One partner (often but not always male) tries to initiates for sex as a way to feel close. The other partner (often but not always female) needs to feel close first before wanting sex. You end up caught in a loop: one person initiates to connect, the other pulls away because they don’t yet feel connected enough. You both have the best of intentions, but it’s easy to see how a painful pattern can develop when you’re both tired and touched out – even though you’re both trying your best.

When you can notice the pattern together without blaming each other, you get a chance to do something different. That’s often the first step towards feeling close again, both in and out of the bedroom.

How to Start Reconnecting (Even If You Don’t Feel Ready For Sex Yet)

You don’t have to try to leap straight back to how things were before pregnancy and birth. Instead, focus on some smaller, doable actions which will rebuild your feelings of warmth and connection.

1) Redefine what you think of as intimacy

Take the focus off penetration and give yourselves permission to broaden your definitions of sex and intimacy. Intimacy can be cuddling, kissing, having a bath or shower together, mutual massage, lying skin-to-skin, or enjoying lying in each other’s arms. When touch comes without pressure, you’ll feel more relaxed, which is an important step in building desire and arousal.

2) Talk about feelings, not frequency

Rather than comments like, “we never have sex any more”, try, “I miss feeling close to you” or “I’m nervous it’ll hurt – can we go slowly?” Speaking from the heart invites care, whereas criticism invites defensiveness. Curiosity and kindness are your best tools here.

3) Create small moments of connection

Greet each other with a kiss. Hold hands during a walk with the baby. Sit together on the sofa. Send a quick “thinking of you” text. These little rituals tell your body and brain: we matter to each other. They build emotional closeness, which is the foundation of physical closeness.

4) Go slowly – slower than you think

Whether you’re exploring touch or trying penetrative sex again, slower is better. Use lots of lube. Pay close attention to how it’s going for both of you. If anything feels uncomfortable, pause without blame and come back to holding. Think comfort first, because everything else depends on it.

5) Look after the person you are, not just the parent you’ve become

Time alone isn’t indulgent, it’s essential. Rest, a walk, a bath, a book instead of your phone, meeting a friend… make time for whatever helps you feel more like you – and make sure your partner is regularly getting some of the same. When you’re less depleted, you’re more available for connection of every kind.

6) Share the practical and mental load fairly

Desire will seriously struggle under the weight of resentment. If one of you is carrying the lion’s share of nights, chores, or mental load, address that kindly and directly. A fairer division of labour often does more for your sex life than any technique.

7) If there’s pain, get specialist help

Painful sex isn’t something to push through. A pelvic health physiotherapist can assess scar tissue, muscle tone, prolapse concerns, and guide healing exercises. Your GP is a great place to start, or check out The 360 Mama. If you’re anxious or avoiding intimacy altogether, a compassionate therapist can help you both talk about it safely, and find your way forwards.

When Your Partner Wants Sex and You Don’t (Yet)

If you’re the partner with less desire right now, you’re allowed to protect your boundaries. You’re also allowed to want cuddles, kisses, and non-sexual touch – without your partner pushing for more. Try a gentle no with a yes, e.g. “I’m not up for sex tonight, but I’d love to lie down together and talk.” This way you can prioritise connection while honouring your limits.

If you’re the partner who’s feeling rejected, think about other ways you can feel the closeness you might usually seek through sex. Reach for connection in other ways: ask to cuddle, chat on a walk together, plan a simple at-home date. When your partner feels emotionally safe and cared for, desire is more likely to grow from there.

What If We’ve Become More Like Housemates?

It happens. Many couples find themselves doing okay at teamwork and logistics, but out of practice at being lovers. Two simple shifts can help:

• Make time together at home without the focus on your baby. Once you’re ready, it can help to clear the baby gear from an area of your home for an evening, to create a space that feels more adult.
• Protect weekly connection time. It doesn’t have to be anything big. A cup of tea and a chat in bed. A shared shower or bath. A film you actually watch together without scrolling on your phones. If sex follows, lovely. If not, you’ll hopefully still feel closer for it.

Postpartum Sex Problems: When to Reach Out for Support

Ask for help sooner rather than later if any of these apply:

• Sex is persistently painful, or you’re fearful it will be
• You’re avoiding touch because it feels pressured
• You feel stuck in a pattern of rejection and pursuit that feels hard to talk about
• Resentment about chores, nights, or the mental load is building

A pelvic health physio can help with body-based concerns. A relationship therapist can help you both feel heard, reduce blame, and rebuild emotional safety, which is the foundation from which desire returns.

A Guide To Overcoming Postpartum Sex Problems

If you’re looking for guidance through this phase, my sex after kids workbook Back in the Sack was written for exactly this moment in your lives. It helps you understand what’s changed, talk about it without shame or pressure, and find practical ways to reconnect – emotionally and physically – at a pace that suits you both. You can complete it on your own or together, and make big shifts in how confident you feel talking about and navigating this phase of your relationship either way.

“If you and your partner are finding it hard to reconnect physically after having children, Back in the Sack is a practical workbook designed to help. It’s easy to pick up in bite-sized moments during those rare pockets of quiet. As a psychotherapist, I can recommend using it either on its own or alongside couples therapy for extra support.”

 

– Alison Bickers, BABCP Accredited Psychotherapist

A Final Thought on Postpartum Sex Problems

Postpartum sex problems don’t mean your relationship is broken. They mean a lot has changed, and you both deserve time, kindness, and support while you find your new rhythm. Start small. Prioritise building the feelings of warmth between you. Be honest and gentle. Closeness grows from feeling safe together, and that grows from the ways you care for each other in the everyday moments.

If you’d like more support:

• Find out more about Back in the Sack: The Sex After Kids Workbook
• Join the mailing list for regular expert advice about intimacy after parenthood and more
• Get in touch about relationship therapy and coaching

*Rachel and Mo are not a real couple, but their experience is typical of so many couples in the early months and years of parenthood. If you relate, and you’re looking for guidance to support you to overcome the challenges of your postpartum sex problems, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

The post Postpartum Sex Problems: Why They Happen and How to Start Reconnecting appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Why So Many Parents Feel Lonely in Their Relationships After Kids

I was reflecting on a session with a client recently, when a moment from my own early days as a new mother came flooding back to me.

My husband and I were both in the same room, the baby was asleep, and on the surface nothing was wrong. But I’d been feeling this hollow feeling in my chest, and it suddenly hit me that I felt lonely – even when we were together.

It wasn’t the kind of loneliness that comes from being alone, but from when you’re not connecting on a deep enough level to leave you feeling truly seen.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling lonely in your relationship, especially after kids, it can feel quite confusing. On the one hand, young children can be so demanding, you probably crave more time alone. And at the same time, you and your partner are still living together, parenting, and functioning as a couple. So it makes sense if you’re wondering why it still feels like something important is missing.

Feeling lonely in a relationship after kids is far more common than most parents realise – and it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It usually means that as a couple you haven’t yet caught up with how much your life has changed, and found new ways to open up to each other and connect.

Let’s talk about what’s really going on, and why feeling lonely in your relationship after kids is far more common (and meaningful) than most people realise.

Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship After Kids

Loneliness in a relationship doesn’t always come from distance or conflict, although it’s very common for both of those to increase in the early years after having children. Many parents find themselves Googling “I feel lonely in my relationship after kids” because the loneliness doesn’t seem to make much sense on the surface – but it’s very real.

Often, it looks like:

• feeling unseen or emotionally unsupported
• no longer sharing your inner worlds with each other
• talking only about logistics and childcare
• missing the sense of “us” you once had

Many parents tell me they feel guilty for feeling lonely – especially when their partner is trying their best in their own way.

But the loneliness you feel isn’t a judgment on your relationship. It’s a feeling like any other, and emotions are messengers about needs.

Two Types of Loneliness Parents Experience After Kids

When people talk about feeling lonely in their relationship after having children, they’re often describing two overlapping experiences that it can be helpful to name.

1. Emotional loneliness

Emotional loneliness is the feeling of not being truly seen, known, or emotionally connected.

You might be:

• holding a lot inside because it feels like “too much” to share
• avoiding difficult conversations because you’re exhausted
• missing being asked how you are, beyond your role as a parent

Some couples get on okay on the surface, stay polite and function well as parents, but you can still feel emotionally lonely within that. It’s often a sign that you’re not tuned into each other’s feelings and needs on the deeper level that’s needed to create a sense of emotional safety.

2. Relational loneliness

Relational loneliness is about the loss of shared time, connection, and partnership.

After kids, many couples experience:

• drastically reduced quality time as a couple
• less space for affection or intimacy
• fewer shared experiences or moments of fun
• a sense of living parallel lives

This kind of loneliness isn’t about not loving your partner. It’s about not having enough opportunities to be partners any more.

And most parents experience both emotional and relational loneliness at times, which then feed into each other.

Why Loneliness Often Increases After Having Kids

Becoming parents changes everything – but not always equally.

One partner’s world might shrink dramatically, at least in the short term.

One partner might carry more of the emotional and mental load.

One partner might feel they’ve lost more parts of themselves.

When these shifts go unspoken or unacknowledged, loneliness grows.

This isn’t because anyone is doing anything wrong, but because the relationship hasn’t yet adapted to this new stage of life.

“But We’re Still Together – Why Do I Feel So Lonely?”

Feeling lonely after kids is often hardest when the relationship still looks “fine” from the outside – because there’s no obvious crisis to point to, just a growing sense of emotional distance.

This can be one of the most painful parts of post-baby loneliness.

You might feel like you’re not alone enough to justify the feeling.

Not unhappy enough to seriously consider leaving.

Not disconnected enough for it to be obvious to anyone but you.

So you might minimise it, push it down, or tell yourself you should be grateful.

But loneliness doesn’t usually disappear when it’s ignored.

In fact, it often deepens.

Loneliness Isn’t a Failure – It’s Information

Feeling lonely in your relationship after kids doesn’t mean:

• you chose the wrong partner
• your relationship is broken
• you’re asking for too much

It means something important is missing right now – emotionally, relationally, or both.

Loneliness is often the first signal that your relationship needs:

• more emotional honesty
• more of a sense of shared meaning
• more intentional connection
• more support for you to feel like you, not just support for the family

And crucially: this awareness doesn’t require your partner to change first.

What Helps When You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship After Kids

If you feel lonely in your relationship after kids, you might have tried to push for closeness in ways which don’t always go well, or perhaps you’ve been pretending everything’s fine.

It’s often more helpful to understand what kind of loneliness you’re experiencing – emotional, relational, or both – and respond to it with the honesty and care it deserves.

You don’t need to “fix” yourself or your partner.

It can help to start by focusing instead on taking your own experience more seriously.

That might mean:

• naming the loneliness instead of dismissing it
• getting curious about what you’re actually missing
• rebuilding connection in small, realistic ways
• learning how to express needs without blaming or shutting down

Loneliness eases when you feel emotionally anchored again – first in yourself, then in your relationship.

Final Thoughts: If You Feel Lonely After Kids, You’re Not Alone, and Change Is Possible

If you’re searching for answers because you feel lonely in your relationship after kids, please be reassured:

This feeling is common. It makes sense. And it is changeable.

A feeling of loneliness isn’t a verdict on your relationship – it’s information about what needs attention in this phase of your life. When you listen to it rather than dismiss it, it can become the starting point for deeper connection, not the end of the story.

If you’d like support with this, you’re welcome to:

• join my mailing list for honest conversations about relationships after kids
• explore my free guide on understanding and resolving resentment (which often sits right alongside loneliness)
• get in touch about working with me, either for solo relationship coaching or together with your partner

But even if you do nothing else today, know this:

The loneliness you’re feeling right now matters. It’s trying to tell you something worth listening to. And change is possible.

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Mental Health After Having Kids: Why So Many Parents Feel “Off” (and What to Do About It)

30th January is Parent & Carer Mental Health Day. It’s so important that we take care of our mental health after kids, and this is a great reminder to pause and check in with how you’re really doing.

Do you need a break… or a bigger change to how you’re living, so you’re not always craving one?

Because mental health after having kids isn’t only about stress levels. It’s often about something which can feel harder to name – a slow shift in how you feel in yourself, and often in your relationship too.

When You’re Functioning… But You Don’t Feel Like You

From the outside, you might be doing “fine”:

• Kids (mostly) thriving
• Life admin (mostly) handled
• You’re the organiser, the calmer, the one who holds it all together

But inside, something feels off.

Maybe it looks like standing in the kitchen after bedtime, tidying up in silence. And once you’re done, both of you exhausted, both of you scrolling – and realising you haven’t actually connected all evening. Perhaps it feels like nothing’s wrong enough to name, but you don’t feel close either.

Maybe you’re not your happiest, most relaxed self – and it’s particularly noticeable around your partner. You’re quicker to snap. More irritated. More distant. Or you feel lonely even when you’re technically not alone.

At this point, parents sometimes ask themselves, “what’s wrong with me?”

Often, it’s more helpful to look at what’s been lost in the process of becoming parents.

Mental Health After Having Kids: The 3 Losses That Affect So Many Parents

For many parents (and very commonly for mums), what impacts mental health after having kids most isn’t just stress.

Parenthood is truly life-changing, and alongside the many gains, there is often a feeling of loss of:

• Self – who you were before you became “Mum” or “Dad”
• Equality – feeling like the manager of family life, not an equal partner
• Intimacy – emotional and physical closeness that used to feel easier

None of this happens because you’re ungrateful, but because big parts of you are no longer getting expressed or met.

1) Loss of self (identity)

Loss of your sense of self can sound dramatic, but it often looks very ordinary:

• You can’t remember what you enjoy that isn’t “useful”
• You feel flat, bored, or disconnected in a life you chose
• You’re always “on” for everyone else and rarely ask what you want

You’re functioning – but you don’t feel quite yourself.

2) Loss of equality (partnership)

Loss of equality isn’t just about who does more.

It’s the feeling that you’re:

• the default parent
• the emotional barometer
• the planner, the remember-er, the one who notices what needs doing

Even in loving relationships, this imbalance can creep in over time. And when it does, resentment often follows – a natural result of carrying too much for too long.

3) Loss of intimacy (connection)

Intimacy often changes after kids – sometimes overnight, sometimes more gradually.

And the loss isn’t only physical. It often looks like:

• less affection and warmth
• less feeling “known” by each other, and missing being seen as your whole self or outside your role in the family dynamics
• less playfulness, fun, and ease – feeling more like housemates than lovers
• conversations focused on logistics, with less emotional connection

You might still love each other deeply – and still miss the spark you once had.

“But We’ve Tried Talking… And It Changes for a Bit, Then Slips Back”

This is something I hear a lot from parents who are self-aware and deeply invested in doing things well.

You reflect, take responsibility, maybe you’ve even done some therapy or couples work. Things improve for a while… and then, under pressure, old patterns return.

And it makes sense that things slide back if the foundation you’re operating from hasn’t truly changed.

Because often the way your life is set up hasn’t really shifted, including:

• Beliefs about what a “good parent” should sacrifice
• One parent (often Mum) feeling like it’s their job to maintain harmony in the household
• The sense that everyone else’s needs matter more than yours

And often, your relationship is the place where that disconnect feels clearest – but it isn’t the whole story.

Parent & Carer Mental Health Day: A Different Kind of Question

This Parent & Carer Mental Health Day, instead of asking:

“How can I cope better?”

What if you asked:

• How do I actually feel right now – lost, resentful, lonely, numb, flat? – and what might that be trying to tell me?
• Where do I feel most “not myself” lately?
• Where might I have outgrown the ways I’ve been living?

The feelings that come up as you sit with these questions can be uncomfortable – but they can also provide incredibly useful information about what you need next.

What If These Feelings Are Signals, Not Verdicts?

If you relate to this feeling of loss of sense of self, equality, and intimacy, that’s most likely a sign that you’re ready for some kind of change.

To think further about that, you might gently ask yourself:

• Which parts of me feel like they’ve disappeared?
• Where do I feel least like an equal?
• Where do I feel most unseen?
• Is there anything I’ve been telling myself I “shouldn’t” need?

And then the key question:

What would it look like to take those needs more seriously?

How to Support Your Mental Health After Having Kids (Without Waiting for Everything to Calm Down)

You don’t need a complete life overhaul to begin feeling better – but you might need some honesty.

Here are a few starting points that can create real movement:

• Name the real feeling. Not “I’m fine”, but “I feel lonely”, “I feel resentful”, “I feel lost”.
• Identify the loss underneath it. Is this about self, equality, intimacy – or a mix?
• Choose one small change that honours you. Something that brings you back to yourself, even briefly.
• Practise asking for what you need without apology. You don’t need to get this perfect, but a little more openness can go a long way.

And if you’re thinking, “Yes… but my partner won’t change”, here’s something I want you to know:

You don’t have to wait for your partner to change before you start changing your experience.

The connection you crave starts with you – with how you listen to yourself, and with the recognition that taking care of yourself is a vital part of your role as a parent.

Final Thoughts: Mental Health After Having Kids Isn’t About Coping Better With What Isn’t Working

Thanks to teenage mental health charity Stem4 for starting Parent & Carer Mental Health Day. In their own words:

“Looking after your own mental health as a parent or carer is vital, both for you, and for the young people in your care.”

Parent & Carer Mental Health Day isn’t about becoming more resilient so you can tolerate more of what’s not working for you.

It’s an invitation to take your feelings and needs seriously again.

You’re allowed to say: “Something in me needs to change.” And what better way to mark Parent & Carer Mental Health Day than to honour that?

Want Support With This?

I’m Catherine – BACP accredited therapist and relationship transformation coach for parents. I help parents who feel lost, resentful, or disconnected after having kids to work on themselves, so their relationships (and lives) can change from the inside out.

If you’d like to explore working with me, either solo or together with your partner, you’re welcome to get in touch. Tell me a little about what’s been feeling hard, and what you want to be different.

The post Mental Health After Having Kids: Why So Many Parents Feel “Off” (and What to Do About It) appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Navigating Resentment in Relationships After Having a Baby

Entering parenthood is a life-altering experience. It can bring immense joy – and it also places relationships under pressure in ways many couples don’t expect. One common struggle faced by new parents is resentment towards their partner. Resentment after having a baby often creeps in quietly, building through exhaustion, unspoken expectations, and the relentless mental load of daily life.

In fact, when I asked on Instagram, 96% of you said you struggle with resentment. So is it normal to resent your partner after having a baby? Does it matter if you do? What does resentment actually mean – beyond “I’m annoyed with you”? And what can you do about it?

In this blog post, we’ll explore whether it’s normal to resent your partner after having a baby, the difference between occasional and chronic resentment, and the consequences of accepting resentment as “just part of parenthood”. We’ll also look at how resentment can be understood as useful information – a sign that important needs are going unmet – and how that understanding can become the starting point for real change.

Is It Normal to Feel Resentment Towards Your Partner After Having A Baby?

Yes!

It’s normal to feel the full spectrum of emotions – especially during the early months and years of parenthood.

It’s normal to feel angry, sad, surprised, afraid, overwhelmed, disconnected, happy… often all in the same day.

Resenting your partner after having a baby doesn’t mean you chose the wrong person, that your relationship is broken, or that you’re not coping. It usually means you’re stretched thin, carrying a lot, and trying to adapt to a huge identity and lifestyle shift.

The Difference Between Occasional and Chronic Resentment

Here’s where this question really matters:

There’s a difference between having moments of resentment and living in a state of chronic resentment.

(By chronic, I mean persistent, recurring, and unresolved.)

Occasional resentment is human. Chronic resentment is a sign that something important has been left unspoken, unsupported, or unchanged for too long.

You’re far more likely to get stuck in resentment if you accept it as a normal and inevitable part of life after kids – if you tell yourself, “This is just how relationships are once you become parents.”

When people say, “It’s normal to resent your partner after having a baby”, this can turn into a limiting belief.

A limiting belief is anything you accept as true that keeps you stuck.

So yes, it’s normal to feel resentful sometimes, especially after having a baby.

But resentment isn’t something to ignore or tolerate. It’s a messenger about your needs.

The Consequences of Accepting Resentment as Normal: The Impact on Your Relationship and Your Kids

If resentment becomes something you simply live with, both you and your partner miss out.

You miss out on closeness, ease, affection, teamwork, and feeling genuinely supported. Over time, resentment doesn’t just sit quietly in the background – it leaks out through irritation, emotional distance, reduced intimacy, or constant low-level tension.

And yes, your kids are affected too. Not because you’re doing something wrong – you’re both coping with a difficult situation the best way you know how right now – but because children absorb the emotional tone of their home.

When parents feel heard, supported, and connected, family life feels calmer and emotionally safer for everyone.

This is why resentment after having a baby matters. Not because either you or your partner is to blame, but because it’s drawing your attention to something that needs care and support.

Why Your Feelings, Including Resentment, Matter

Repeat after me: my feelings matter.

Again: MY FEELINGS MATTER!

It matters when you feel sad.

It matters when you feel happy.

It matters when you feel scared.

And yes, it matters when you feel resentful towards your partner after having a baby.

Resentment isn’t a character flaw. It’s often the emotional result of unmet needs, invisible labour, unequal responsibility, or a feeling of loss of your sense of self that hasn’t been acknowledged yet.

Taking Your Feelings Seriously

When other people (e.g. parents, caregivers, partners) have dismissed or minimised our feelings, we often learn to do the same to ourselves.

I’m not interested in blaming anyone. I’m interested in how you can get the change you need.

Most of us now understand how important it is to listen to children and take their emotions seriously.

But many adults – especially parents – are still very adept at ignoring their own.

So let me ask you gently:

How good are you at listening to yourself?

How seriously do you take your own inner experience?

Your feelings matter.

The resentment you feel matters.

Recognising Resentment as a Messenger

Feelings exist to tell us that something needs attention.

“I feel cold” = I need a jumper.

“I feel hungry” = I need food.

“I feel lonely” = I need connection.

So when you find yourself thinking, “I resent my partner since having a baby”, the real question becomes:

What needs have been going unmet for too long?

That’s where change begins – not by blaming yourself or your partner, but by getting curious, honest, and compassionate about what needs to shift.

Is It Normal To Resent Your Partner After Having A Baby? Additional Resources to Help With Resentment in Relationships

So, yes, it is normal to feel resentment towards your partner after having a baby.

But it’s not something you have to accept as permanent, inevitable, or “just how it is now”.

Resentment becomes a problem when it’s ignored, minimised, or normalised – because that’s when it erodes connection and wellbeing.

When you take resentment seriously, and treat it as information rather than a failure, it can become the starting point for a stronger, more honest, more supportive relationship.

If you want support with this, I’ve created a free guide to resolving resentment that walks you through:

• why resentment after having a baby is so common

• how to identify what’s really going on underneath it

• and the first practical steps towards change

But here’s the most important things I want you to take away: Your resentment is not the problem. Ignoring it is.

You Might Also Find Helpful:

If you found this article about whether it’s normal to feel resentment towards your partner helpful, you might like to check these out too:

• How To Resolve Resentment in Relationships: Tackling Shared Responsibilities
• How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner
• The Contented Relationship Guide – a short course on moving from resentment to contentment

You can also click here to join my mailing list, or click here to get in touch.

The post Is It Normal To Resent Your Partner After Having A Baby? Understanding And Overcoming Resentment appeared first on Insight & Connection.