Do you ever find yourself snapping at your partner, shutting down, or stuck in the same old arguments on repeat? You’re not alone. When you’re raising kids together, the stress, sleep deprivation, and sheer number of decisions to make can push relationships to the edge. Many couples fall into common but harmful ways of communicating without even realising it. There are four toxic communication styles that can do serious damage to your connection over time: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Read practical advice on how to recognise and transform these harmful patterns, improve communication, and develop a more supportive and positive partnership, modelling healthier interactions for your kids.
Challenges In Your Relationship While Parenting: Overcoming Toxic Communication Styles
We all have those moments when the toddler’s crying, the baby needs feeding, the kitchen’s a mess, and you’re trying to cook dinner… and your partner walks in and says something that just gets under your skin. Suddenly, you’re not just tired and overwhelmed, you’re also arguing about who left the wet washing in the machine. After children come along, one of the biggest challenges many couples struggle with is communication.
Once you have kids together, you have to make far more joint decisions, so it’s natural that you’ll have more disagreements. Having differences is completely normal – what really matters is how you approach them. And there are certain communication styles which can be particularly harmful.
This blog post explores the four main toxic communication styles identified by The Gottman Institute’s relationship research: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. It also offers some practical advice on how you can transform these patterns, enabling you to develop a healthier, more supportive relationship with your partner while you’re raising children together.
If you’ve found yourself arguing more with your partner since having kids, you’re not alone. Parenting stress and relationship conflict often go hand-in-hand. The sleepless nights, endless tasks, and constant decision-making create the perfect storm for tension to rise, especially when you’re both emotionally drained. Studies show that over 60% of couples experience increased conflict while raising children.
Toxic communication in relationships while parenting isn’t inevitable, but it is common, and recognising it is the first step towards change. Understanding and addressing toxic communication styles can transform your relationship and restore peace to your children’s home.
The 4 Main Toxic Communication Styles in Relationships After Kids
If you want to have a great relationship with your partner while raising your children, there are four main ways of communicating that you’re best off avoiding.
These are the communication styles that research has found to be the most damaging to couples’ connection over time: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Most of us have moments of reacting either critically or defensively (or both!), especially when we’re under stress. It’s when these ways of speaking to each other become ingrained habits that problems tends to develop.
The good news is that these communication styles are habits, and habits like these can be changed.
Let’s look at how you can build healthier, more satisfying communication habits – for yourself, your partner, and to model for your children too.
Toxic Communication Style 1: Criticism – Turning Harsh Words and Critical Remarks into Constructive Conversations
Criticism is the most common of the four toxic communication styles.
In fact, it’s such an everyday habit for many of us, it can be a bit of a shock to hear what the relationship research has found: chronic criticism seriously damages relationships.
But the good news is that it’s not particularly difficult to notice when you’re being critical and change the habit, and it will really improve your connection with your partner when you do.
Why Criticism Feels So Harmful
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a minute. Imagine the person you love saying negative things about you, pointing out (perceived) personality flaws, blaming when things go wrong… how does it feel? (It feels terrible, right?)
When people get criticised too much, they start to feel like there’s something wrong with them. And they don’t feel good about the person who’s criticised them, either.
What to Say Instead of Criticising
So what should you do instead when a critical thought pops into your head?
If you feel like (or start to hear yourself) criticising your partner, stop, take a minute, and think about what’s really going on for you.
When we feel like blaming our partners for something, it’s usually because our needs are not getting met.
As Marshall B. Rosenberg described,
“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”
Criticising your partner won’t get you any closer to getting those needs met.
It will just make your partner feel self-conscious, unappreciated, and defensive – getting you both nowhere.
So take a breath, and think for a minute about how you’re feeling and what you need.
Are you just in a bad mood or feeling insecure? What can you do to meet your own needs?
Turning Needs Into Requests
If you’re feeling okay in yourself and have a genuine complaint, share it with your partner when you’re both feeling calm.
Tell them something like, “When you hand me the baby and walk away without saying anything, I feel overwhelmed, because I need to feel like we’re in this together.”
Then ask them “Would you be willing to…?” – and be open to hearing their response. Because a request like this is often just the start of a negotiation.
You can read more about how to ask for what you need constructively here.
Toxic Communication Style 2: Defensiveness – How To Stay Open During Conflict
The second toxic communication style which deeply damages relationships is defensiveness.
We all know defensive communication in relationships when we see it – whether it’s denying responsibility, snapping back with a counter-attack, or refusing to acknowledge any fault. (“No YOU’RE the problem!”)
We all get defensive sometimes, when we feel blamed or attacked, and like we need to protect ourselves.
But chronic defensiveness is as damaging to you as an individual as it is to your relationship.
When we’re not open to taking things on board, we miss opportunities to learn and grow.
When you find yourself feeling defensive: stop, take a minute, and ask yourself whether there might be a grain of truth in what your partner is saying.
Maybe they’re not expressing it in the ideal way, but could there be something in it?
When you look at things from their perspective, can you understand what’s bothering them?
Is there anything you can take responsibility for?
Anything you might apologise for?
And if you’re reading this thinking “but my partner is so defensive, what can I do about it?!” check whether you’re being more critical than you realise. Defensiveness is a natural response when we feel like we’re being criticised.
Toxic Communication Style 3: Contempt – Moving From Resentment to Contentment And Respect
When couples get stuck in a cycle of criticism and defensiveness, sooner or later contempt sets in.
You might get sarcastic, start taking the p***, rolling your eyes, or even calling your partner names.
If you’re talking down to your partner, or putting them down, that’s contempt.
It’s insulting, and can become abusive because of how it attacks the person’s sense of self.
We all get frustrated with our partners from time to time – especially when you’re both running on empty after a long day with the kids – and it’s easy to feel like your way is the better way.
But watch how you deal with it when you do.
None of us is perfect, but we all deserve respect.
The Power of Appreciation
If you find yourself feeling or expressing contempt for your partner, it’s time to practise some gratitude.
Make a conscious effort to pay attention to the things you love and appreciate about your partner.
Look for the good in them and the things they do.
Work on expressing that appreciation more, both regularly and specifically. Make these thanks and compliments as specific as possible, because those are felt to be the most genuine and meaningful.
Tell your partner what you’re grateful for, not just for their sake, but for the tone it sets in your home. When children see their parents treating each other with kindness and respect, they learn what love and true partnership look like.
If contempt has become a regular feature of your dynamic, take it as a warning sign. Your relationship is likely in trouble, and it needs some serious attention. Professional help such as relationship coaching or couples counselling can support you to turn things around, and the sooner you go, the easier it will be.
(If you need help with an abusive situation, you can call Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247 or Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.)
Toxic Communication Style 4: Stonewalling – Recognising Withdrawal And Breaking Down Barriers
When relationships aren’t going well, and criticism, defensiveness, and contempt have become regular features, it’s really stressful.
Sometimes is gets so stressful that one or both partners shut down on each other completely.
When you completely withdraw from interaction with your partner, we call that stonewalling.
Sometimes stonewalling can be used as a coercive controlling behaviour, often alongside isolation and intimidation. If this resonates, your relationship may have become abusive, so please seek support. (You can call Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247 or Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.)
However, most cases of stonewalling happen as a way of cutting out sensory stimulation when feeling attacked or overwhelmed.
When someone’s stonewalling, usual signs of engagement like eye contact and nodding disappear, and they sometimes go completely quiet.
It might look like the silent treatment, or saying “I’m fine” when you’re really not.
It can be really frustrating for the other partner when a person stonewalls, but it’s important to recognise that in most cases they’re doing it because they feel completely overwhelmed and don’t know what else to do.
Shutting down like this is a way of trying to calm yourself down so you can think straight again.
It’s important that you listen to that instinct (or let your partner listen to it if they stonewall you) and take a break.
Take at least 30 minutes to yourself, and spend the time doing something soothing and distracting.
If you notice yourself start ruminating about how out-of-order your partner is, remind yourself that your objective right now is to calm yourself down so that you can get back to a more constructive place.
Improving Communication With Your Partner While Raising Children Together – Transform Your Communication And Enrich Your Family Life
When you’re raising kids together, good communication isn’t just important – it’s essential. It’s tough navigating the daily chaos of school runs, tantrums, and trying to get everyone out the door with matching shoes. How you and your partner talk to each other can make or break your day. In the thick of parenting, it’s easy for small frustrations to build into bigger issues. Healthy communication is what helps you stay connected, even when things feel difficult.
But your communication can also be one of the first things to suffer. Between sleepless nights, endless to-do lists, and the emotional load of parenting, it’s no wonder couples struggle to connect. The good news is that with a little awareness and a commitment to kindness, you can learn to communicate in ways that bring you closer – even when life feels chaotic.
For many couples, that starts with recognising and addressing toxic communication styles. Now you understand how harmful criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling can be, hopefully you feel motivated to actively work on these habits. By doing this, you can significantly improve your connection, and feel the peace of knowing you’re modelling healthy communication for your children.
Remember, communication habits can be changed with conscious effort and patience, and you’ll eventually develop new habits which gradually come more naturally. I hope you’ve found these strategies to shift from harmful interactions to supportive and constructive communication helpful. If you need more guidance, or want to deepen your understanding, please don’t hesitate to get in touch about working together – with our without your partner’s involvement.
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