Why Mothers Put Themselves Last – and How to Stop

I love telling each of my daughters about the day they were born. Stories they’ve heard many times before now – details they remember now so well they sometimes get in there before me.

The shock of seeing an actual human face, and realising there really was a baby in there all that time. How tiny and helpless they were. All of us crying as we said hello for the very first time.

So tiny and vulnerable, reliant on us to decode their cries and meet their every need. We had much to learn, were so eager to find ways to anticipate those needs and prevent those cries.

Our whole lives turned around in an instant!

We didn’t just want to put them first – we needed to. We had to.

And for many mums in straight relationships, within hours, days, or weeks, we become more experienced than our partners. We spend more time with our babies, while our partners’ lives change less dramatically. We spend most of our time in one role: Mum.

We sleep in too short stretches. We stop hearing our own thoughts properly. We forget who we were, and start wondering who we are now.

Because this is what a “good mum” does, isn’t it? She puts her baby first.

And then months or years pass, and one day you realise that putting yourself last slowly became your normal.

You feed everyone else before you sit down. You think about everyone else’s schedules, feelings, and needs before your own. You spend so much time responding to other people that by the end of the day, you barely know what you want yourself.

And often, this doesn’t just lead to exhaustion. It leads to resentment, disconnection, and identity loss. And it’s part of the story of a relationship that no longer feels equal, or as close as you want it to be.

If you’ve been wondering how to stop putting yourself last as a mum, it’s important to understand this: this pattern didn’t start with you.

How To Stop Putting Yourself Last As A Mum – Why So Many Mothers Put Themselves Last

As women, we absorb powerful messages about what a “good mother” should be from when we’re little girls.

Patient, selfless, constantly available. Putting everyone else first without complaint.

These ideas are deeply reinforced by both family cultures and wider society.

Women are still often expected to carry the emotional load of family life – noticing needs, maintaining some kind of harmony, anticipating problems, and absorbing stress while trying to never be “too much”.

This emotional labour is exhausting.

And because so much of it is both invisible and expected, many mothers don’t fully recognise the weight of what they’re carrying.

Instead, they blame themselves, telling themselves they should be coping better.

But it’s not your fault if you feel this way. When your attention is constantly directed outwards, it becomes much harder to stay connected to yourself.

The Link Between Mum Burnout and Identity Loss

Maternal burnout isn’t just about being too busy.

It’s often caused by being psychologically and emotionally overextended for long periods of time, without enough rest, support, or space to exist as a full person outside the roles you occupy for others.

Over time, this can leave you feeling like you’ve lost yourself in motherhood, or you’re not quite sure who you are any more.

You might still be functioning pretty well, getting things done, keeping on top of everyone else’s needs.

But underneath, you might be feeling:

• disconnection from yourself
• resentment about how much you’re carrying
• difficulty accessing joy, desire, or spontaneity
• emotionally flat or constantly overstimulated
• wondering when you stopped feeling like yourself

Many mothers find it difficult to acknowledge these feelings. They often tell me they feel guilty, especially when they love their children so deeply.

But love and depletion don’t cancel each other out.

Gratitude and resentment can coexist too.

Why Putting Yourself Last Impacts Your Relationship

This dynamic doesn’t just affect you individually, it affects your relationship too.

When one partner consistently suppresses their own needs, resentment often builds underneath the surface.

At first, this resentment might look like irritability, withdrawal, or feeling emotionally disconnected.

Over time, it can feel harder to communicate openly and honestly.

You might be feeling:

• unsupported
• unseen
• emotionally alone in the relationship
• less attracted to your partner
• resentful that your life seems to have changed more than theirs

And because many women have been conditioned to avoid being “difficult”, they often suppress these feelings for a long time before speaking about them directly.

This is one of the reasons resentment after kids is so common.

It’s not usually about one isolated incident, but the patterns that develop when one person’s needs coming last becomes normalised.

A Dynamic Many Mothers Recognise

You might notice this pattern in moments that can seem small on the surface.

Your partner asks what you’d like to do at the weekend, and you genuinely don’t know.

You finally get an hour to yourself and spend most of it catching up on jobs, because relaxing feels unfamiliar or indulgent.

You notice yourself fantasising about being alone in a hotel room – or even a hospital bed! – just so nobody needs anything from you for a while.

Many mothers worry about being selfish when their children need them so much, but our children need us to not let ourselves get depleted.

Moments like this are signs that parts of you have been pushed too far down the priority list for too long.

How to Stop Putting Yourself Last as a Mum

Mums who have their own needs in balance with the rest of their family are not less caring, less generous, or less committed.

In fact, they’re modelling something very healthy for their children: that women’s needs matter too.

Consistently putting yourself last tends to harm both you and your relationships in the long run.

But the good news is that small changes can go a long way in learning how to stop putting yourself last as a mum.

1. Notice where self-sacrifice has become automatic

Many mothers no longer consciously choose to put themselves last, it’s more that it gradually becomes the default.

Start by noticing where you automatically prioritise everyone else’s comfort, emotions, or needs above your own.

Awareness is the first step toward change.

2. Stop treating your needs as less important

Your needs are not inconvenient, they’re fundamental to you feeling healthy, connected, and fully yourself.

This includes your needs for:

• rest
• space
• support
• pleasure
• autonomy
• adult connection

Many women know this intellectually, but still struggle to live as though it’s true. If you recognise yourself in this, coaching and therapy can help.

3. Recognise that resentment is information

Feelings of resentment are often a sign that something important has been ignored for too long.

Women often judge themselves for feeling resentful, but resentment is a feeling like any other, i.e. a message about your needs.

Try asking yourself:

• What feels unfair here?
• What do I need that I haven’t allowed myself to fully acknowledge?

For more support with resentment after kids, download The Resentment Reset today.

4. Think about what you need for your relationship to evolve too

If you’ve been putting yourself last for a while, you might have noticed some uncomfortable patterns developing in your relationship, too.

Maybe you’ve withdrawn emotionally from your partner. Perhaps you try to be cool, but the emotions build until you blow up. Maybe you get caught in a frustrating cycle of criticism and defensiveness.

Many couples get caught in cycles of blame, whether you’re seeing your partner or yourself as the problem.

If you recognise yourself in this, it’s not your fault, and it’s not your partner’s either. There’s so much you can do to change these patterns, whether you want to work on them solo or together.

How To Stop Putting Yourself Last As A Mum – You Matter Too

If you’ve been wondering how to stop putting yourself last as a mum, it’s likely because part of you already knows something needs to change.

You do not need to earn rest, support, space, or care by reaching complete exhaustion first, and centring yourself more fully does not make you selfish.

It often makes relationships healthier, communication clearer, and connection more sustainable.

If this post resonated with you, you might also find these helpful:

• How to Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids
• My free guide to understanding and resolving resentment

You’re also very welcome to:

• join my mailing list for more honest conversations about relationships after kids
• get in touch if you’d like support individually or with your partner

The post How To Stop Putting Yourself Last As A Mum (On Mum Burnout & Identity Loss) appeared first on Insight & Connection.

How to Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids

As a therapist and coach specialising in relationships while parenting, I have conversations every week with mothers who tell me “I don’t feel like myself since having kids”. And as a mother, I’ve been there myself. We all know that becoming parents will change our lives, but the identity shift that comes with it can feel unsettling, confusing, and disorienting. The good news is that feeling like yourself again is possible – and rebuilding your sense of self tends to have a positive impact on your relationship, too.

Life with young children has many wonderful moments, but it’s also extremely demanding. The days are long, and we spend so much of them meeting other people’s needs. Our sense of identity is built around the roles we fill and the ways we spend our time, so it makes sense to feel a bit lost when all of this changes so much.

It’s normal to feel this way even when nothing is obviously wrong, your children are doing well, and life is busy and full. Many women find that even when their relationship looks stable from the outside, they feel a strange kind of emptiness. When you’re out of touch with your truest self, connection with others often feels difficult or unsatisfying too.

And with so little time to think about or feel like yourself, many mothers find this feeling creeps up on them, until one day you find yourself asking: When did I stop feeling like myself?

If you’ve been wondering how to feel like yourself again after having kids, this blogpost will help you understand why this happens, and what might help in your mission to reconnect with yourself.

Why So Many Mothers Don’t Feel Like Themselves After Having Kids

Becoming a parent is one of the most profound identity shifts we experience.

Suddenly, your time, attention, and emotional energy are directed outwards, almost constantly. To care for children well, we have to be responsive, flexible, and make a lot of sacrifices.

Over time, many mothers start to feel as though parts of themselves have faded into the background.

You might recognise some of these feelings:

• You struggle to remember what you enjoy that isn’t related to parenting
• You feel more reactive or impatient in your relationship
• You feel responsible for keeping everything running smoothly
• You feel strangely disconnected from the person you used to be

Maybe the children are finally asleep and you sit down with a cup of tea. The house is quiet for the first time all day. And instead of feeling relieved, you suddenly realise you don’t quite know what to do with yourself.

Or perhaps you get a rare opportunity to have a few hours to yourself, and you genuinely don’t know what to do with the time.

This can bring up some difficult emotions about motherhood itself, but many mothers feel this way alongside enormous love and pride in their children.

Often it simply means you’ve lost touch with your own needs – and clarity in your sense of self has followed.

The Three Losses Many Mothers Experience After Kids

In my work with parents, I often see three areas where women feel a sense of loss after having children – sometimes quite subtle, sometimes more dramatic.

1. Loss of your sense of self

In motherhood, your identity can become heavily defined by caring for others.

You might feel like you’re constantly responding to everyone else’s needs – your children, your partner, your work, your home – while rarely pausing to ask what you need.

Over time, this can leave you feeling like a version of yourself who is there for everyone else, but not really thriving in yourself.

2. Loss of equality

Even in loving relationships, many mothers gradually become the default parent and organiser of family life, while also carrying much of the family’s emotional labour.

You might find yourself feeling responsible for everyone’s needs, remembering the logistics, and carrying the mental load of the household.

This can create a sense of imbalance that affects both your wellbeing and your relationship. And when it’s not addressed, resentment often follows.

3. Loss of intimacy

When life revolves around feeds, naps, drop-offs and pick-ups, lunches, work, and bedtimes, it’s normal for there to be a change in how you connect as partners – both emotionally and physically.

With so much less time to just be together, many couples fall into a habit of managing life together, rarely feeling deeply connected.

This doesn’t necessarily mean the love has gone – but it can leave both of you feeling less like yourselves with each other.

Why Mothers Need Support To Move Through This Phase

The way our society is set up now means that many women are doing a lot of the work of mothering alone.

This in itself is part of the challenge. Historically, mothers often cared for children alongside others – chatting with women in similar or later phases of motherhood, spending enough time together for deeper conversations, even with the many interruptions!

Nowadays, many women are trying to fill this gap, scrolling on social media, reading, and listening to podcasts – all of which can be helpful at times.

We have access to more information than ever. But there’s a limit to how much information alone can change how we feel. Sometimes the more we take in, the less it seems to translate into feeling calmer, happier, or more connected to others.

The reason for this is that understanding alone isn’t enough. When we become parents, the emotional and relational demands on us increase dramatically. Without the skills to stay grounded and communicate clearly under pressure, it’s easy to fall back into old patterns.

Mums need support and guidance through this phase, and learning relational skills can be a powerful next step in your personal growth.

How to Start Feeling Like Yourself Again After Having Kids

You don’t need to make dramatic life changes to start reconnecting with yourself. Often it begins with small shifts in how you relate to yourself and your own needs. Here are a few starting points:

1. Notice where you’ve been putting yourself last

Many mothers become used to prioritising everyone else’s needs automatically.  Simply noticing this pattern is an important first step. What was best for your children when they were tiny won’t be best for them for each new phase as they grow up, but making those adjustments can feel challenging, so go easy on yourself.

2. Listen to your emotions as information

Feelings like resentment, loneliness, or irritability are often signs that something in your life needs attention. Many mothers feel guilty about these feelings, and try to suppress them. Try asking yourself instead what they might be trying to tell you.

3. Reconnect with parts of yourself that existed before parenthood

A little time for yourself can go a long way when you’ve been feeling a bit lost. It can be difficult to know what to do with yourself when you haven’t been used to having that freedom. You might start by asking: what interests, friendships, creativity, or movement did you used to enjoy?

4. Recognise that your relationship may need to evolve too

When mothers reconnect with themselves, something interesting often happens: their relationship starts to change too. Sometimes those changes can feel difficult, at least at first.

However, when you feel clearer about your needs and boundaries, communication becomes easier, and resentment tends to reduce.

In other words, feeling like yourself again doesn’t just help you. It can transform the emotional atmosphere of your relationship. And that matters enormously, because it’s the environment your children are growing up in.

Feel Like Yourself Again: You’re Not Lost – You’re Evolving

If you’ve been searching for how to feel like yourself again after having kids, it’s likely because part of you senses that something in your life needs to change.

This can be uncomfortable. But when you respond to it, it’s often temporary.

It’s often a sign that you’ve outgrown old ways of coping, relating, and putting yourself last.

Learning how to reconnect with yourself – while also building stronger relational skills – can create a calmer, more satisfying family life for you and your whole family.

How To Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids: Want Support With This?

I’m Catherine Topham Sly, a BACP-accredited therapist and relationship coach specialising in relationships after kids.

I help parents who feel lost, resentful, or disconnected after becoming parents learn the relational and emotional skills that help them feel more like themselves again – while creating stronger, more connected relationships.

If this blogpost resonated with you, you’re very welcome to:

• Join my mailing list for regular insights about relationships after kids
• Get in touch if you’d like to explore working with me individually or with your partner

The post How to Feel Like Yourself Again After Having Kids appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Why So Many Parents Feel Lonely in Their Relationships After Kids

I was reflecting on a session with a client recently, when a moment from my own early days as a new mother came flooding back to me.

My husband and I were both in the same room, the baby was asleep, and on the surface nothing was wrong. But I’d been feeling this hollow feeling in my chest, and it suddenly hit me that I felt lonely – even when we were together.

It wasn’t the kind of loneliness that comes from being alone, but from when you’re not connecting on a deep enough level to leave you feeling truly seen.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling lonely in your relationship, especially after kids, it can feel quite confusing. On the one hand, young children can be so demanding, you probably crave more time alone. And at the same time, you and your partner are still living together, parenting, and functioning as a couple. So it makes sense if you’re wondering why it still feels like something important is missing.

Feeling lonely in a relationship after kids is far more common than most parents realise – and it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It usually means that as a couple you haven’t yet caught up with how much your life has changed, and found new ways to open up to each other and connect.

Let’s talk about what’s really going on, and why feeling lonely in your relationship after kids is far more common (and meaningful) than most people realise.

Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship After Kids

Loneliness in a relationship doesn’t always come from distance or conflict, although it’s very common for both of those to increase in the early years after having children. Many parents find themselves Googling “I feel lonely in my relationship after kids” because the loneliness doesn’t seem to make much sense on the surface – but it’s very real.

Often, it looks like:

• feeling unseen or emotionally unsupported
• no longer sharing your inner worlds with each other
• talking only about logistics and childcare
• missing the sense of “us” you once had

Many parents tell me they feel guilty for feeling lonely – especially when their partner is trying their best in their own way.

But the loneliness you feel isn’t a judgment on your relationship. It’s a feeling like any other, and emotions are messengers about needs.

Two Types of Loneliness Parents Experience After Kids

When people talk about feeling lonely in their relationship after having children, they’re often describing two overlapping experiences that it can be helpful to name.

1. Emotional loneliness

Emotional loneliness is the feeling of not being truly seen, known, or emotionally connected.

You might be:

• holding a lot inside because it feels like “too much” to share
• avoiding difficult conversations because you’re exhausted
• missing being asked how you are, beyond your role as a parent

Some couples get on okay on the surface, stay polite and function well as parents, but you can still feel emotionally lonely within that. It’s often a sign that you’re not tuned into each other’s feelings and needs on the deeper level that’s needed to create a sense of emotional safety.

2. Relational loneliness

Relational loneliness is about the loss of shared time, connection, and partnership.

After kids, many couples experience:

• drastically reduced quality time as a couple
• less space for affection or intimacy
• fewer shared experiences or moments of fun
• a sense of living parallel lives

This kind of loneliness isn’t about not loving your partner. It’s about not having enough opportunities to be partners any more.

And most parents experience both emotional and relational loneliness at times, which then feed into each other.

Why Loneliness Often Increases After Having Kids

Becoming parents changes everything – but not always equally.

One partner’s world might shrink dramatically, at least in the short term.

One partner might carry more of the emotional and mental load.

One partner might feel they’ve lost more parts of themselves.

When these shifts go unspoken or unacknowledged, loneliness grows.

This isn’t because anyone is doing anything wrong, but because the relationship hasn’t yet adapted to this new stage of life.

“But We’re Still Together – Why Do I Feel So Lonely?”

Feeling lonely after kids is often hardest when the relationship still looks “fine” from the outside – because there’s no obvious crisis to point to, just a growing sense of emotional distance.

This can be one of the most painful parts of post-baby loneliness.

You might feel like you’re not alone enough to justify the feeling.

Not unhappy enough to seriously consider leaving.

Not disconnected enough for it to be obvious to anyone but you.

So you might minimise it, push it down, or tell yourself you should be grateful.

But loneliness doesn’t usually disappear when it’s ignored.

In fact, it often deepens.

Loneliness Isn’t a Failure – It’s Information

Feeling lonely in your relationship after kids doesn’t mean:

• you chose the wrong partner
• your relationship is broken
• you’re asking for too much

It means something important is missing right now – emotionally, relationally, or both.

Loneliness is often the first signal that your relationship needs:

• more emotional honesty
• more of a sense of shared meaning
• more intentional connection
• more support for you to feel like you, not just support for the family

And crucially: this awareness doesn’t require your partner to change first.

What Helps When You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship After Kids

If you feel lonely in your relationship after kids, you might have tried to push for closeness in ways which don’t always go well, or perhaps you’ve been pretending everything’s fine.

It’s often more helpful to understand what kind of loneliness you’re experiencing – emotional, relational, or both – and respond to it with the honesty and care it deserves.

You don’t need to “fix” yourself or your partner.

It can help to start by focusing instead on taking your own experience more seriously.

That might mean:

• naming the loneliness instead of dismissing it
• getting curious about what you’re actually missing
• rebuilding connection in small, realistic ways
• learning how to express needs without blaming or shutting down

Loneliness eases when you feel emotionally anchored again – first in yourself, then in your relationship.

Final Thoughts: If You Feel Lonely After Kids, You’re Not Alone, and Change Is Possible

If you’re searching for answers because you feel lonely in your relationship after kids, please be reassured:

This feeling is common. It makes sense. And it is changeable.

A feeling of loneliness isn’t a verdict on your relationship – it’s information about what needs attention in this phase of your life. When you listen to it rather than dismiss it, it can become the starting point for deeper connection, not the end of the story.

If you’d like support with this, you’re welcome to:

• join my mailing list for honest conversations about relationships after kids
• explore my free guide on understanding and resolving resentment (which often sits right alongside loneliness)
• get in touch about working with me, either for solo relationship coaching or together with your partner

But even if you do nothing else today, know this:

The loneliness you’re feeling right now matters. It’s trying to tell you something worth listening to. And change is possible.

The post I Feel Lonely in My Relationship After Kids – Is This Normal? appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Mental Health After Having Kids: Why So Many Parents Feel “Off” (and What to Do About It)

30th January is Parent & Carer Mental Health Day. It’s so important that we take care of our mental health after kids, and this is a great reminder to pause and check in with how you’re really doing.

Do you need a break… or a bigger change to how you’re living, so you’re not always craving one?

Because mental health after having kids isn’t only about stress levels. It’s often about something which can feel harder to name – a slow shift in how you feel in yourself, and often in your relationship too.

When You’re Functioning… But You Don’t Feel Like You

From the outside, you might be doing “fine”:

• Kids (mostly) thriving
• Life admin (mostly) handled
• You’re the organiser, the calmer, the one who holds it all together

But inside, something feels off.

Maybe it looks like standing in the kitchen after bedtime, tidying up in silence. And once you’re done, both of you exhausted, both of you scrolling – and realising you haven’t actually connected all evening. Perhaps it feels like nothing’s wrong enough to name, but you don’t feel close either.

Maybe you’re not your happiest, most relaxed self – and it’s particularly noticeable around your partner. You’re quicker to snap. More irritated. More distant. Or you feel lonely even when you’re technically not alone.

At this point, parents sometimes ask themselves, “what’s wrong with me?”

Often, it’s more helpful to look at what’s been lost in the process of becoming parents.

Mental Health After Having Kids: The 3 Losses That Affect So Many Parents

For many parents (and very commonly for mums), what impacts mental health after having kids most isn’t just stress.

Parenthood is truly life-changing, and alongside the many gains, there is often a feeling of loss of:

• Self – who you were before you became “Mum” or “Dad”
• Equality – feeling like the manager of family life, not an equal partner
• Intimacy – emotional and physical closeness that used to feel easier

None of this happens because you’re ungrateful, but because big parts of you are no longer getting expressed or met.

1) Loss of self (identity)

Loss of your sense of self can sound dramatic, but it often looks very ordinary:

• You can’t remember what you enjoy that isn’t “useful”
• You feel flat, bored, or disconnected in a life you chose
• You’re always “on” for everyone else and rarely ask what you want

You’re functioning – but you don’t feel quite yourself.

2) Loss of equality (partnership)

Loss of equality isn’t just about who does more.

It’s the feeling that you’re:

• the default parent
• the emotional barometer
• the planner, the remember-er, the one who notices what needs doing

Even in loving relationships, this imbalance can creep in over time. And when it does, resentment often follows – a natural result of carrying too much for too long.

3) Loss of intimacy (connection)

Intimacy often changes after kids – sometimes overnight, sometimes more gradually.

And the loss isn’t only physical. It often looks like:

• less affection and warmth
• less feeling “known” by each other, and missing being seen as your whole self or outside your role in the family dynamics
• less playfulness, fun, and ease – feeling more like housemates than lovers
• conversations focused on logistics, with less emotional connection

You might still love each other deeply – and still miss the spark you once had.

“But We’ve Tried Talking… And It Changes for a Bit, Then Slips Back”

This is something I hear a lot from parents who are self-aware and deeply invested in doing things well.

You reflect, take responsibility, maybe you’ve even done some therapy or couples work. Things improve for a while… and then, under pressure, old patterns return.

And it makes sense that things slide back if the foundation you’re operating from hasn’t truly changed.

Because often the way your life is set up hasn’t really shifted, including:

• Beliefs about what a “good parent” should sacrifice
• One parent (often Mum) feeling like it’s their job to maintain harmony in the household
• The sense that everyone else’s needs matter more than yours

And often, your relationship is the place where that disconnect feels clearest – but it isn’t the whole story.

Parent & Carer Mental Health Day: A Different Kind of Question

This Parent & Carer Mental Health Day, instead of asking:

“How can I cope better?”

What if you asked:

• How do I actually feel right now – lost, resentful, lonely, numb, flat? – and what might that be trying to tell me?
• Where do I feel most “not myself” lately?
• Where might I have outgrown the ways I’ve been living?

The feelings that come up as you sit with these questions can be uncomfortable – but they can also provide incredibly useful information about what you need next.

What If These Feelings Are Signals, Not Verdicts?

If you relate to this feeling of loss of sense of self, equality, and intimacy, that’s most likely a sign that you’re ready for some kind of change.

To think further about that, you might gently ask yourself:

• Which parts of me feel like they’ve disappeared?
• Where do I feel least like an equal?
• Where do I feel most unseen?
• Is there anything I’ve been telling myself I “shouldn’t” need?

And then the key question:

What would it look like to take those needs more seriously?

How to Support Your Mental Health After Having Kids (Without Waiting for Everything to Calm Down)

You don’t need a complete life overhaul to begin feeling better – but you might need some honesty.

Here are a few starting points that can create real movement:

• Name the real feeling. Not “I’m fine”, but “I feel lonely”, “I feel resentful”, “I feel lost”.
• Identify the loss underneath it. Is this about self, equality, intimacy – or a mix?
• Choose one small change that honours you. Something that brings you back to yourself, even briefly.
• Practise asking for what you need without apology. You don’t need to get this perfect, but a little more openness can go a long way.

And if you’re thinking, “Yes… but my partner won’t change”, here’s something I want you to know:

You don’t have to wait for your partner to change before you start changing your experience.

The connection you crave starts with you – with how you listen to yourself, and with the recognition that taking care of yourself is a vital part of your role as a parent.

Final Thoughts: Mental Health After Having Kids Isn’t About Coping Better With What Isn’t Working

Thanks to teenage mental health charity Stem4 for starting Parent & Carer Mental Health Day. In their own words:

“Looking after your own mental health as a parent or carer is vital, both for you, and for the young people in your care.”

Parent & Carer Mental Health Day isn’t about becoming more resilient so you can tolerate more of what’s not working for you.

It’s an invitation to take your feelings and needs seriously again.

You’re allowed to say: “Something in me needs to change.” And what better way to mark Parent & Carer Mental Health Day than to honour that?

Want Support With This?

I’m Catherine – BACP accredited therapist and relationship transformation coach for parents. I help parents who feel lost, resentful, or disconnected after having kids to work on themselves, so their relationships (and lives) can change from the inside out.

If you’d like to explore working with me, either solo or together with your partner, you’re welcome to get in touch. Tell me a little about what’s been feeling hard, and what you want to be different.

The post Mental Health After Having Kids: Why So Many Parents Feel “Off” (and What to Do About It) appeared first on Insight & Connection.

The Mental Load: You Can’t See It, But You Feel It

It’s the running commentary in your head: what’s in the fridge, when the school trip payment is due, who needs new shoes, who’s had their five-a-day. It’s the organising, remembering, anticipating, planning, noticing, and worrying. It’s exhausting.

And for many mums, especially in straight relationships, the mental load doesn’t just cause stress and overwhelm, it breeds resentment.

As a maternal mental health therapist and relationship coach, I hear this all the time from the parents I work with. And I’ve lived it myself too.
Here’s how I went from quietly stewing to openly shifting the balance, and how you can too.

In this post, you’ll find:

• A relatable story of what the mental load looks like in real life
• A breakdown of why resentment builds up
• Practical tips and advice on how to reduce the stress and share the mental load more equally
• Advice for navigating tough conversations with your partner
• Encouragement if you’re feeling resentful, exhausted, or alone

What The Mental Load Looked Like For Me

When I was on maternity leave, I took on the lion’s share of the childcare and running the house. My husband was very hands-on, but he was at work all day. So naturally, I got more experience managing everything.

I didn’t question it at first. I loved being with my baby, and I wanted to do a good job. I took pride in remembering appointments and making things run smoothly. But slowly, something began to nag at me.

He was working hard too, but I was doing so much more at home, and I started to feel… uneasy. I wanted our kids to see their parents as equals. I didn’t want to be the only one who knew where everything was and what needed doing.

And when I started working more, everything came to a head. I was still doing the laundry. I was still planning the meals. I was still keeping things ticking along.

And I had this realisation: if I didn’t speak up, nothing would change.

Why The Mental Load Becomes Unequal In Parenting

Many couples don’t deliberately choose an unequal setup; it just kind of happens.

When one parent (often the mother) is on maternity leave or works fewer hours, they tend to take on more. They get more practice. They know the details. They learn to anticipate the needs.

And over time, they become the default. The one who knows where the PE kit is, what the kids will actually eat, which child is due a birthday party gift. It becomes their domain, even if they never meant it to.

Meanwhile, their partner might want to be more involved, but struggle to know where to start. So they ask, “What do you need me to do?”

And when you’re already carrying everything in your head, having to delegate just feels like more work.

How I Started Shifting The Mental Load

So, I spoke up. And… it wasn’t easy. We had both internalised ideas about what made a “good mum” or a “good dad”. We had to unpick a lot of old stories and beliefs.

There were tough conversations. There was frustration. And there were definitely a few wobbles along the way.

But we got there.

Now, we’re a team. We take turns cooking. He washes the darks; I do the whites and delicates. I don’t feel like the default parent anymore, I feel like a partner.

We still have disagreements about who does more (because it never feels perfectly equal). But we talk about it. And most importantly, our kids are growing up seeing what fairness and teamwork really look like.

Tips And Advice To Reduce The Mental Load And Share Responsibilities More Equally

If you’re ready to lighten your mental load, here are some ways to start:

1. Make the invisible visible

Write down everything that’s on your mental to-do list: meals, clothes, birthday cards, dentist appointments, emotional support. Seeing it on paper can be powerful for you both.

What this looked like for me: I made the invisible visible, and acknowledged its meaning too

Writing down the constant to-do list in my head helped us both see the scale of what I was carrying. Appointments, birthday presents, life admin… it wasn’t just chores. It was the mental and emotional labour of taking responsibility for everyone’s needs.

2. Have a calm, honest conversation

Avoid blame by focusing on how you feel and what you need. Try something like: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, and I realise I’ve taken on a lot of the invisible work. I’d love for us to find a way to rebalance things.”

What this looked like for me: I stopped waiting for him to notice things he clearly wasn’t noticing

Once I stopped hoping my husband would magically see everything I was doing (even when he wasn’t there) and everything I was thinking (even though he’s not a mind-reader), I got clearer about what actually needed to change. That made it easier to speak up without getting critical.

3. Stop being the manager

Where possible, hand over full responsibility for certain tasks, like school emails or meal planning. Let your partner own them entirely, even if it means biting your tongue when they do it differently or drop a ball.

What this looked like for me: I handed over complete tasks, and let him deal with the consequences

Not delegated. Not “reminded.” Handed over. If he was doing school emails, he was doing them. And guess what, he’s human. So sometimes he messes up. (Just like me!) I had to stare my own desire to control things dead in the face, and I didn’t always like it!

4. Accept that perfect doesn’t exist

We all have our own ways that we like things to be done. But sometimes we have to ask ourselves whether it’s worth it. Done is better than perfect, and done by someone else is even better.

What this looked like for me: I stopped aiming for perfect, and started valuing freedom instead

Confession: letting go was really hard. Surprise: it turns out I like things done my way. I had to learn to accept that it didn’t have to be my way to be good enough. I realised how much I was missing out on by expending so much energy trying to get everything so right. And when I got over myself, I liked him better too.

5. Revisit and adjust

One conversation won’t fix everything. Make time to regularly check in about how things are going and what needs tweaking.

What this looked like for me: We started checking in regularly, with genuine curiosity

Talking about what was working (and what wasn’t) became a habit. Instead of building up to big blow-ups, we started making space for the small stuff every day. No resentment brewing. No guessing games. Just lots of appreciation, and regular tweaking based on who had more capacity.

From Resentment To Relief: What Changed

Once we started having those conversations, things got better – not perfect, but much better.

The weight of responsibility didn’t feel like mine alone anymore. I had more headspace. More freedom. More peace. We argued less. I felt more seen.

And I stopped feeling resentful, because I wasn’t carrying it all by myself anymore.

If you’re feeling the pressure of the mental load, I want you to know: you’re not alone. And you don’t have to keep doing it all.

Mental Load Tips And Advice: Want To Stop Stewing In Silence?

If you’ve been feeling resentful, that feeling is trying to tell you something.

If you’re tired of shouldering more than your share, fed up of feeling like the one who keeps it all together, I’ve created something to help.

Download The Resentment Reset, a free guide to help you shift the imbalance, communicate more clearly, and start getting your needs met in your relationship.

And when you’re ready to go a bit deeper, check out The Contented Relationship Guide.

Moving Forwards With These Mental Load Tips And Advice

If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the mental load, I hope this post helped you feel seen, and offered some clarity on how to shift it. We’ve explored why the mental load often becomes unequal in parenting, how that imbalance can lead to stress and resentment, and what you can do to create a more equal partnership. From speaking up and sharing responsibility, to letting go of perfection and checking in regularly, these shifts can make a huge difference. You don’t have to carry it all. With the right conversations and a little support, it really can start to feel more balanced, and you can feel more like yourself again.

The Mental Load: Need More Help?

If you’re struggling to have calm and constructive conversations with your partner about how you share the mental load, consulting a professional relationship therapist or coach (either on your own or with your partner) can help. When you take action to address your division of responsibilities, you can reduce stress and conflict, and create a more balanced and peaceful family life.

If your relationship has become strained, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Through relationship coaching and/or therapy, we can work together to get you back on track. Click here to get in touch and find out more.

If you found this article helpful, you can also click here to get regular relationship advice straight to your inbox.

And finally, if you found these mental load tips and advice helpful, you might also enjoy:

• The Mental Load Of Motherhood: Fantasy vs. Reality
• The Mental Load: What Is It And How Does It Impact Your Daily Life?

The post How To Deal With The Mental Load – Tips and Advice on How To Manage The Mental Load, and Reduce Stress, Overwhelm And Resentment appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Maternal Mental Health: My Story of Struggle, Support and Starting to Feel Like Myself Again

What pregnancy, an identity crisis, and therapy taught me about becoming a mother – and finding my voice again

The theme for Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week 2025 is Your Voice, Your Strength. Supporting mums through the highs, lows, and identity shifts of parenthood is one of the deepest motivators behind my work as a therapist – because when mothers feel supported and emotionally safe, the whole family thrives.

This year, I want to use my voice to share three things:

1. My own story of getting support with my mental health when I was pregnant with my second child
2. Some of what I hear from the mums I support as a therapist and relationship coach for parents
3. A message for the dads – because your relationship matters more than you might realise

My Perinatal Mental Health Story: What I Learned from Asking for Help

My eldest was sixteen months when we decided to start trying for a second child.

I had plans to start training as a therapist, and it seemed to make sense to have the baby first if I could. My husband and I both liked the idea of a small age gap, for our children and for ourselves. And we were lucky: I got pregnant within the first few months. I was pleased, and excited for life to keep moving forwards. (I was always in a bit of a rush back then, I didn’t know how to slow down yet.)

I had a bleed early on, and a difficult few days’ wait, but the baby turned out to be fine.

The sonographer said there might have been a second one, but when I repeated it, she said she couldn’t be sure. I think she wanted me to leave feeling joy, not loss. And I did feel joy. But I also felt shaken. Fragile. I was still recovering from the five days I’d spent in hospital with my daughter a few months earlier, while they tried to work out why she was so very sick. She was better now, but I was starting to realise that I wasn’t.

Before I could apply for my counselling diploma, I had to complete a couple of short courses.

Working as a childminder and taking care of my toddler while pregnant, I was pretty exhausted. But it felt good to be doing something for me. The tutor had us journaling, and it poured out of me. So many feelings about life since I became a mother. That hospital stay had changed me, and I didn’t know how to process it. Once the course finished, I felt lost. Tearful, overwhelmed, confused, and so much more aware of how much I worried about what other people thought of me.

But I knew what I needed: someone to talk to.

I found a wonderful local low-cost counselling service and, at six months pregnant, I started therapy. Getting to sessions when I had a toddler wasn’t easy, and it was even harder when I carried on after the baby was born. But I needed it more than ever. I was getting recurrent mastitis (again!), and you can’t just lie in bed feeding and resting when you’ve got a toddler who’s really struggling with becoming a big sister. Even with a good support network (and I had one), so much mothering happens alone. I felt like I was drowning.

So we made it work. And honestly, it kept me sane.

Every week, my husband looked after both girls, even when our youngest was just two weeks old – and that was so good for us all too. It was hard, but it was worth it. I needed space to think and feel. To process how motherhood had impacted my identity, my place in my family, my friendships. My values had changed. My goals. My marriage. Everything looked different, and I needed help making sense of it all.

My counsellor was kind, calm, and wise. Her insight gave me a new perspective on my life and relationships.

Gradually, I started to feel like I knew who I was again. I felt more accepting of myself, and more confident in my choices, as an individual and – importantly – as a mother. I started to see where my anxiety about being judged came from, and then to let it go – the beginning of a work in progress. I got clearer about my boundaries and how to hold them. I was still tired, and touched out, and it was all pretty messy. But I didn’t feel quite so lost any more.

This was just the beginning for me: I still had so much to learn about how to truly thrive, both in motherhood and in my relationship.

But I wanted to share this story for Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week for two reasons. One: therapists are people too, and most of us do this work because we have our own stories of pain and healing. And two: if you’re struggling, please don’t wait. You deserve support. And you can feel better.

What Mums Are Telling Me (But Struggling to Say Out Loud)

I’ll never take for granted what a huge privilege it is to do my work as a therapist.

To be trusted by my clients to walk alongside them, especially in their most tender moments.

Never do I feel that more than when I’m working with mums who are finding their voice.

These are some of the things mums are telling me, that they’re often struggling to share with their partners:

• “He says he wants me back… but I don’t even know who I am any more.”
• “I’m the one carrying the emotional load of the entire f*cking family.”
• “I love him. But I’m starting to resent him. And I don’t know what to do with that.”
• “We used to talk for hours. Now we just fight over who’s more tired.”
• “Motherhood changed me… and my marriage hasn’t kept up.”
• “Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off parenting alone.”
• “I don’t want to leave him. But I don’t want this either.”
• “I’m realising my relationship worked for the old me.”

If you relate, you can find out more about relationship coaching and therapy (solo or together) here.

Rediscovering Yourself in Motherhood and Your Relationship

Matrescence – the process of becoming a mother – is an enormous transition.

Most new mums go through a phase of feeling like they don’t know who they are any more.

And when you lose your sense of self, it’s natural to question everything – including your relationship, and what is or isn’t working.

It’s normal to miss the old you.

The days when you could finish a coffee, a conversation, even a sentence.

It’s normal to miss the way you and your partner used to talk more, laugh more, touch more. (Even if being touched is the last thing you want right now, you might still miss feeling close.)

Parenthood changes us, and it often takes a little while for our relationships to catch up.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is broken.

It probably means that you need some things about it to change.

And to get there, you might need a little help finding your voice.

Because it’s true: your voice is your strength.

To the Dads: Your Relationship Affects Her Mental Health

If there’s one thing I want to tell dads this Maternal Mental Health Awareness week, it’s this: Your relationship seriously affects your partner’s mental health, probably more than you think.

If you want the mother of your children to be okay, you need to take your relationship seriously.

When you’re raising kids together, your relationship with their mum has the biggest impact on her wellbeing. Teamwork with you is what she needs to thrive. And when she does, your children will too.

A strong partnership with you gives her something to lean on. It helps her feel safe, supported, and seen. It makes it easier to cope with stress, and ask for whatever she needs.

When your relationship feels strained, she carries more: more emotional labour, more mental load, more pressure, feeling like she has to hold it all together on her own.

You don’t have to be perfect. But if she’s carrying the family’s needs in her head, and you’re still asking “What do you need me to do?” that’s a sign something’s not working.

Partnership means stepping up before she burns out. Noticing what needs doing. Taking responsibility. Being her teammate.

When your relationship is strong, she’ll feel calmer and more confident. There will be more smiles, more joy, more laughter. And the kids will feel it too.

So here’s what you can do, to support your partner’s mental health: Ask her how she’s really doing. Take something off her plate. Tell her and show her that you see her, love her, and you’re in it together. Find ways to do this every day.

Because your relationship matters more than you think.

A Final Word: Support Is Out There, and You Deserve It

Mums: you don’t have to do this alone.

If you’re reading this and some part of you recognises the overwhelm, the questioning, or the feeling of disconnection from your sense of self… I want you to know: support is out there.

Whether it’s through therapy, coaching, or just speaking honestly to someone you trust, things can change. You don’t have to keep carrying it all alone. Your mental health matters – not just for your children, but for you. You deserve to feel heard, supported, and like yourself again.

Please don’t wait. Use your voice. It’s not asking too much, and you’re not alone.

If you’re looking for help with your relationship, or even just some advice about how to get support with your mental health, you can contact me here.

You can also join the mailing list to stay updated with more insights and tips for nurturing your relationship while raising children together.

More From Catherine Topham Sly, Maternal Mental Health Therapist

This post was written by Catherine Topham Sly, maternal mental health therapist specialising in relationships after kids. If you found this helpful and want more support with motherhood and mental health, you might also like:

• To Boost Your Mental Health as a Mum, Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Partner
• 12 Self-Care Tips For Struggling Mums
• Postnatal Mental Health and Wellbeing (information on the baby blues, postnatal anxiety, depression, guilt and shame)

The post Motherhood Cracked Me Open – Here’s How I Put Myself Back Together appeared first on Insight & Connection.

When Your Partner Puts Work Before Family

As parents, we have so many responsibilities to juggle. I often hear from both mothers and fathers about how overwhelming it can feel, trying to strike a work-life balance which works for the whole family. Modern life comes with many pressures, including the expectation that we’ll devote long hours to our careers, even at the expense of our family lives. There are many reasons why we might devote more time and attention to work than family, so if you’re struggling with a partner who consistently does so, you’re not alone. In this blog post, we’ll explore some practical steps to help you navigate this challenging situation.

Prioritising Their Own Needs Over Your Relationship or Family

When I speak to parents about the challenges of relationships after kids, they often mention feeling resentful towards their partners. This resentment commonly happens when partners put work and/or their own personal wants and needs above those of the family.

For example, do you ever feel resentment towards your partner for any of the following…?

• Prioritising their career over yours
• Working when chores need doing
• Choosing work over childcare
• Expecting sex even when you’re feeling touched out
• Relaxing when you don’t feel relaxed or have asked them to do something
• Eating a meal in peace instead of joining the family
• Prioritising their own needs in other ways

Balancing Work And Family Life: How Much Has Our Culture Changed?

A generation ago, it was the norm in our culture for dads to work and mums to stay at home, at least while kids were little.

Now it’s much more common for both parents to work. But careful consideration of each family member’s work/domestic/childcare/leisure balance seems to be rare.

In many straight couples, women are still taking most of the responsibility for childcare and domestic labour, whether or not men are taking responsibility for most of the earning. Are you happy with your balance? Do you feel respected and valued in your role? Are you comfortable with your overall division of responsibilities? Or do you feel resentful?

This issue can be complex, because sometimes we work to provide, which is about putting the family first. But sometimes we choose to prioritise work for other reasons, and some of those might ultimately be ways of putting ourselves first.

You might feel grateful for how hard your partner works. Or you might feel like you “should” be grateful, when actually you’re feeling unhappy, fed up, or resentful.

This can be a difficult topic, especially when money is tight, as it often is when we have young kids (and is for many families right now).

Families can get stuck making decisions on financial grounds which only serve to uphold patriarchal capitalist systems. When Dad earns more, families might decide that it “just makes sense” for him to work more. The gender pay gap becomes self-perpetuating.

No family can can change that alone, but all families need open, honest discussions about our choices, our feelings about them, and our wants as well as our needs.

This is the best way to get as close as possible to a balance which works for everyone, so your whole family can thrive.

When Your Partner Puts Work Before Family: Tips And Advice

Here are five tips to help you to manage the situation where you feel your partner is putting work before the family.

1. Communicate your feelings

Open communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Express your concerns calmly and honestly, focusing on how your partner’s work habits affect you and the family. Avoid accusing or blaming them, as this can invite defensiveness and conflict. Instead, use “I” statements to convey your feelings and needs.

For example,

“When you go back to your computer at bath time, I feel angry, then I realise I’m actually disappointed and sad. I need to feel supported and I want your companionship as we raise our kids together. Would you be willing to discuss specific times when you’ll leave work and spend time with us?”

2. Set boundaries

Discuss your boundaries regarding work and family time, i.e. what you are okay and not okay with. You might think your expectations are obvious and fair, but your partner will likely see things differently. Make requests, negotiate, and compromise to agree on specific times when work will be set aside for family activities.

3. Prioritise quality time

When time together is limited, we have to make it count. Put your phones away and have fun together – it’s the best way to connect and create happy memories. Discuss what you both enjoy and plan date nights and family outings together to strengthen your bond and make family life as appealing as possible for everyone.

4. Offer support

If your partner is struggling to find a balance, try to understand the pressures they might be facing at work. Show you care by offering support and discussing possible solutions together. If they’re overwhelmed, encourage them to speak to their employer about flexible working hours or potential adjustments to their workload.

5. Seek professional help

If you’re concerned your partner has become a workaholic, or their choices are putting a strain on your relationship, consider seeking the help of a relationship coach or therapist. Professional guidance can provide the tools and insights you need to rebuild a healthier, more balanced relationship and lifestyle.

When Your Partner Puts Work Before Family: Empowering Yourself

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit – and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.” ~ Brian Dyson

Have you been holding back from sharing how resentful you feel about your partner putting work before family?

Perhaps you think there is no way your partner is going to change their behaviour?

Focusing too much on your partner’s choices can actually hold you back from resolving your resentment.

It can keep you feeling stuck, because your partner’s behaviour is not within your control.

However, it IS within your influence.

You can let go of your concern about how you’re going to change your partner’s behaviour when you feel empowered as you start to change your own.

My free guide to resolving resentment includes a seven-step action plan to redress your family’s work-life balance.

Get your free guide to resolving resentment now.

Take just ten minutes to yourself to read it today, because nothing’s likely to really change until you take some action.

When Your Partner Puts Work Before Family: Moving Forwards

If your partner has been putting their career and/or personal wants and needs ahead of the family, it makes sense that you would feel resentful. While it’s challenging to cope with a partner who prioritises work over family, open communication, setting boundaries, and seeking support can help you work towards a better balance. Remember, it’s important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, as this will pave the way for a healthier, happier relationship for both partners and the family as a whole.

You can find my top tips to overcome resentment and rebalance your family life in my free guide to resolving resentment. Click here to download yours and get started making the changes you want today.

If you found this article about how to cope when your partner puts work before family helpful, you might like to check these out too:

• Is It Normal To Resent Your Partner After Having A Baby?
• How To Deal With Resentment Towards Your Partner
• The Contented Relationship Guide, my short course all about how to go from resentment to contentment

You can also click here to join my mailing list, or click here to get in touch.

The post When Your Partner Puts Work Before Family: Navigating Work-Life Balance appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Finding Time For Intimacy When The Kids Stay Up Late

Between the sleep deprivation, recovery from pregnancy and birth, hormonal changes, and lack of time to themselves, most couples find their sex life takes a hit when they become parents. You might imagine intimacy will get easier as your kids get older, and in many ways, it probably will. But if there’s one thing we know about parenting, it’s that as soon as we get confident dealing with one phase, our children – and their needs and routines – change again.

Even after all that time you spent longing for them to sleep through the night, you might find yourself missing the days when they napped in the afternoon, or were asleep earlier in the evening. You might wonder how you’re supposed to balance family life with maintaining a strong connection with your partner, especially once your kids are still awake when you want to wind down for the evening.

“[Sex after baby is] definitely different. I’m so exhausted at the end of each day, so I’m like, ‘Can this not happen at night when I’m exhausted?’ You find different times to do it.” ~ Hilary Duff

In this blog post, we’ll explore practical tips for couples who want to prioritise intimacy and sex, both for themselves and as part of modelling a healthy adult relationship. With open communication, creativity, and flexibility, you can navigate this phase and keep the spark alive.

1. Prioritise Communication

The foundation of any strong relationship is communication. To maintain intimacy in your relationship, you’re going to need to work together to find creative solutions. Getting both partners on board with this starts with being open and honest about your needs and desires.

2. Establish a Consistent Bedtime Routine

When your babies were little, you probably created a consistent bedtime routine to signal that it’s time to sleep. Now they’re older, their bedtime routine might change to include reading or listening to music in their rooms. This can free up some time for you and your partner to connect and enjoy each other’s company at the end of the day.

3. Make the Most of Available Time

Look for opportunities to build intimacy throughout the day, making the most of quick moments together. Touch your partner, hug them, hold hands, and kiss – these small gestures mean a lot. Couples who do this have a stronger connection, and more and better sex when they get the chance.

4. Embrace Flexibility

Intimacy and sex don’t always have to happen at night! Consider other times of the day when your kids might be occupied, like during naptime, or when they’re at school, watching TV, or busy engaged in other activities.

5. Create a Private Space

Get a lock for your bedroom door, and use it regularly – it’s okay for your kids to have to wait for you to open the door sometimes! If they ask about it, you can simply explain “sometimes we like to have some privacy”. It’s healthy to normalise this idea for them as they grow up.

6. Plan Regular Date Nights

If you can, schedule regular date nights and weekends away to reconnect with your partner without the distractions of your daily lives. Babysitting can be expensive, so it might help to think of it as an investment in your future happiness together. Consider too if you can leave your kids with family, or organise a childcare swap with friends with children around the same age – all great fun for everyone!

7. Teach Your Kids Boundaries

Part of raising kids is teaching them to balance their needs with other people’s. Educate your children about the importance of privacy and personal space. Encourage them to respect closed doors and have their own space where they can play, read, and relax. As they grow up, get in the habit of knocking before you enter their rooms too.

8. Be Patient and Understanding

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you may still struggle to find time for intimacy, especially when your kids stay up later in the evenings. Remember this is a temporary phase, keep experimenting, and as your children grow older, it will likely become easier to find time and space to be alone together.

9. Seek Professional Help if Needed

If you and your partner continue to struggle with maintaining intimacy, it might start to impact your relationship outside the bedroom too. Consider seeking the guidance of a therapist specialising in relationships and family dynamics to support you to communicate openly and problem-solve like a team.

Finding Time For Intimacy: Keep Everyone’s Needs In Balance

Finding time for intimacy and sex when kids are still awake can definitely be challenging, but it’s an essential part of maintaining a healthy and happy relationship for most couples. I hope you’ll find that by incorporating these practical tips into your daily life, you can create opportunities for connection, prioritise your relationship, and ensure you maintain a strong bond with your partner. Remember that open communication, creativity, and flexibility are the keys to successfully navigating this phase and keeping the spark alive.

For more help prioritising your sex life after having kids, check out Back In The Sack, where you’ll find all the most useful information you need to find a way back to having regular, satisfying sex, all in one place, simply laid out.

This workbook will support you to make the changes you want to your sex life, whether you work through it on your own or with your partner.

How The Back In The Sack Workbook Can Help You Prioritise Time For Intimacy After Having Kids

Back In The Sack is the sex after kids workbook by relationships after kids expert Catherine Topham Sly. It’s packed full of crystal clear information on:

• The typical pattern that couples get into that limits physical and emotional intimacy, and how to break it
• Why going from “Mum” or “Dad” to lover feels so difficult sometimes, and what you can do to make it easier
• How to get out of your head and into your body – where pleasure happens
• Breaking the cycle of rejection that leave you both feeling awful

Plus over 30 reflection/discussion questions to help you to think and talk through:

• Why sex matters to you, and how you’ll benefit from having more of it
• What’s holding you back, and how you can overcome your blocks
• How your body has changed and your needs might have done too
• What you need to start feeling sexy and enjoying sex again, and how you can get those needs met

And finally, there’s a section on talking about sex, with plenty of tips and those crucial examples to help you to start the conversation.

Download the workbook today and discover how you can balance family life with a strong physical connection with your partner.

You can also click here to get in touch. Or click here to join my mailing list, for regular updates on how to have a great relationship after kids.

The post The Kids Are Still Awake! Finding Time for Intimacy When Your Children Stay Up Late appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Embracing Family Rituals During The Festive Season

For families who celebrate, Christmas is a very special time. Children and their parents look forwards to the joy of sharing family rituals. From visiting Santa to baking Christmas cookies, these traditions are not just about celebration – they’re about creating a sense of identity and belonging. Particularly for couples raising young kids, these rituals can stir up fond memories. But they can also evoke strong emotions, and lead to conflicts, especially when expectations differ.

Understanding the Impact of Family Rituals

For most families who celebrate Christmas, the season includes lots of family rituals. Perhaps you’ll open advent calendars, watch festive films, choose and decorate a tree. Maybe you’ll wrap and exchange presents, spend time with each other’s families, and enjoy lots of festive food and drink.

These family and community rituals provide us with a sense of identity and belonging, which helps to bond us together. They can stir up strong emotions, and most of us love to reminisce about our childhood rituals – especially any strange or unusual ones!

These traditions can also be a source of conflict for couples, especially when you’re exhausted and overwhelmed by all the work involved in making Christmas wonderful for your children. We all have our own expectations about how special occasions will be celebrated. Fighting around this time is very common! Bear in mind that it might be down to you and your partner missing the deeper meaning behind each other’s suggestions and preferences.

Family Rituals During Christmas And Beyond

Family rituals are not just for Christmas – they include any customs or traditions families engage in regularly, often passed down through generations. You might not pay your family rituals much attention throughout the rest of the year. However, they are are central to your lives together. They help strengthen your family’s bonds, and create a sense of identity and belonging.

Parents create routines for children which then become rituals: from bedtime stories and family dinners to how you celebrate birthdays and other occasions. This is one way you pass down your family history, values, and cultural heritage.

However, it’s important to recognise that as children grow, and especially during the teenage years, these rituals might feel restrictive and need to evolve. You might feel tempted to abandon your traditions altogether, without realising how much they actually mean to you all. When you stay invested in them, adapting them instead, you’ll maintain a reassuring sense of comfort and continuity: this is how we do things here.

As Susan Lieberman says,

“Family traditions counter alienation and confusion. They help us define who we are; they provide something steady, reliable and safe in a confusing world.”

A Sense Of Purpose, Meaning, And Connection

We all need a sense of purpose and meaning. So family rituals are a great way to develop shared meaning for your life together. And this can keep you close as a family, but also a couple. It’s not just about the kids; Christmas is a romantic time for many couples, at least before children come along. Keeping up your own traditions can help you stay connected outside your roles as Mum and Dad.

Whether it’s for Christmas or beyond, think about which rituals you’d like to continue from your own childhood, and which you’d like to leave behind. Then ask your partner the same thing. This can be a lovely way to bond, and you might hear something you didn’t know, even after many years. Then you can tell your children about these memories, and see whether any of you has any other ideas for things you’d like to start doing.

Habits you build together will become part of your family story, and eventually its identity.

Creating Shared Meaning In Your Relationship: The Power of Shared Dreams in Couple Happiness

One of the keys to happiness as a couple is to recognise your individual and shared dreams, and use them to create meaning for your life together as a family.

A shared sense of purpose and meaning can be even more satisfying than an individual one. And relationships which are built around these kinds of hopes and dreams tend to be more stable over the ups and downs of a life together.

Not all of your values will be shared, of course. But when you develop this kind of family identity, it will help you to settle conflicts, pursue goals, and support each other’s dreams, which will all strengthen your bond.

Navigating Differences with Understanding and Curiosity

When you have a disagreement, you’ll resolve it more easily if you deepen your discussion to include the values and dreams that underlie each of your positions.

Even on relatively minor issues: if we can be bothered to argue about it, there’s usually a value, hope, or dream feeling threatened. So get curious about that.

By asking thoughtful questions about your partner’s perspective and aspirations, you’ll develop a more collaborative and understanding relationship.

You could try asking your partner questions like:

• “What does it mean to you for us to do what you’re suggesting?”
• “What’s the bigger picture or dream behind your idea?”
• “Do you feel like we’re missing out on something that’s important to you if we do this my way?”
• “What are you hoping to achieve in the long run with this?”
• “What’s the main goal or value you’re trying to reach with your suggestion?”

This approach will not only help you to resolve conflicts, but deepen your connection over time.

If you ever get stuck feeling like you’re just trying to convince each other of your own point of view, this kind of curiosity can really shift the tone of your conversations to one where you’re working to understand each other better.

When you do this, you’ll get more creative, and new solutions might even present themselves. Plus you’ll achieve what ultimately leads to satisfying relationships: feeling closer and understanding each other better with every passing year.

Common ground can be hard to find sometimes. But it’s usually there in the place where our visions merge. And when we think like this, it becomes a virtuous cycle. As Kerry Patterson says,

“The pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy.”

Open Communication: Revealing Your Inner World By Opening Up About Your Own Values, Hopes And Dreams

This kind of conversation needs to be a two-way street. So if you want your partner to understand and support you better, you’ll need to open up to them about your own values and aspirations.

This isn’t always easy, especially when we’ve got in the habit of avoiding being vulnerable with each other. Tell your partner when you’re about to trust them with your deeper hopes and dreams, and ask them to listen carefully and kindly.

When you trust each other enough to be open like this, you’ll deepen your emotional connection.

Cherishing Each Other This Festive Season And Beyond

As you celebrate Christmas, remember the significance of these moments for your relationship. It can be a time of high pressure for couples, so don’t forget to get out in nature and move your body as often as you can.

Expectations can be high around this time of year, and feeling disconnected from your partner can feel particularly painful. If you find yourself struggling, please know there is lots you can do to make improvements. Through relationship coaching and/or therapy, we can work together to strengthen your relationship. Click here to get in touch and find out more.

If you found this article helpful, you can also click here to get regular relationship advice straight to your inbox.

The post Nurturing Your Relationship Through Family Rituals During Christmas And Beyond appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Unhappy Relationship After Having Kids? Here’s Why – And What To Do About It

Having children together can be an incredible experiencer a couple, and it can also put a strain on your relationship. If you’re feeling unhappy in your relationship after having children, you’re not alone. In this blog post, we’ll explore some of the reasons why you might be feeling unhappy in your relationship since becoming parents – and what to do about it to work on your relationship and get back to enjoying each other.

1. Lack of time and energy

Parenting is a demanding role – much more demanding than many of us anticipate! – which requires a lot of time and energy. This leaves many couples feeling exhausted and depleted. With less time for yourselves and your relationship, you might struggle to connect as a couple, and to find time to do the things you enjoyed – and which filled you up – before you had children.

2. Shifting priorities

Since having kids, some of your priorities have probably changed. You might find yourself more focused on your children’s needs and activities, leaving less time and energy for yourself or your relationship. This shift in priorities can leave you and your partner feeling disconnected, and maybe even neglected by each other.

3. Differences in parenting styles

Parenting can be a source of conflict for many couples. You and your partner might have different approaches to parenting, which can lead to tension and disagreements. These differences can make it challenging to work together as a team, and may leave you feeling unsupported and frustrated.

4. Financial stress

Raising kids can be expensive, and financial stress can put a strain on your relationship. You and your partner might argue about money, or feel overwhelmed by the financial demands of parenting. You might disagree about what’s most important when it comes to spending, which can highlight uncomfortable differences in your values.

5. Old-fashioned gender roles

Before children come along, most couples live relatively similar, often quite independent lives. After kids, many straight couples slip into traditional gender roles, with mums’ lives often changing much more than dads’. This can lead to disconnection and resentment, and couples often get stuck in cycles of criticism and defensiveness.

6. Changes in your sex life

Having children can bring physical and emotional changes that affect your sex life. Many mothers experience physical changes after childbirth and while breastfeeding, and the demands of parenting can make it difficult to find time for intimacy. This can leave you feeling disconnected, frustrated, and unfulfilled.

What To Do About It If You Feel Unhappy In Your Relationship After Having Kids

For all of the reasons above, having kids often puts a strain on relationships – despite its rewards. With the added stress and responsibility that comes with raising children, lots of couples experience difficulties in their relationships. If you’re feeling unhappy in your relationship after having kids, it’s important to address these feelings before they get worse. Here are some steps you can take to work on your relationship and rediscover your happiness together.

1. Acknowledge your feelings

The first step to addressing your unhappiness is to acknowledge your feelings. Please know that it’s very common to feel unhappy in a relationship after having kids, and it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed. Take the time to reflect on what’s causing your unhappiness – this is the first step to making the changes you need.

2. Talk to your partner

Communication is key in any relationship, and improving your communication skills can transform yours. If you’re feeling unhappy, it’s important to talk to your partner about your feelings. Be honest and open, and try to have a constructive conversation about what changes you’d like to see. Remember to listen to your partner’s perspective with the same compassion and curiosity you want from them.

3. Make time for each other

With all the extra responsibilities on your plate now you’re raising kids, it’s easy to let making time for each other slip down your list. However, we show what matters to us through how we spend our time. Prioritise your partner by planning time together without screens: at-home date nights; a weekend away when you can; or even just talking while you walk together. Making time for each other can help strengthen your connection and improve your happiness.

4. Address Inequalities

Old-fashioned gender roles are one of the leading causes of dissatisfaction in relationships after kids. If you’re unhappy with the roles you’ve slipped into, sooner or later you’ll become unhappy with your partner. Have regular conversations about who’s doing what, and how you both feel about it. See my free 7-step action plan out of resentment for more on this.

5. Focus on the positives

When you’re feeling unhappy, you’ll naturally focus more on the negatives. To feel happier in your relationship, it’s important to remember the positive aspects. Make it a habit to appreciate the good things your partner brings to your life and express your gratitude for them. The Gottmans have found that happy couples say twenty positive things for every one negative, so keep working on your ratio.

6. Take care of yourself

It’s extra important to take care of yourself when you’re feeling unhappy. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep (or at least rest), fibre (huge link with mental health!), time outside, exercise (just walking is great), and time to connect with people you love outside your nuclear family. The better you take care of yourself, the better equipped you’ll be to address difficulties in your relationship. 

7. Seek professional help

Sometimes it can be difficult to work through issues on your own. If you’re struggling to address your unhappiness, consider seeking professional help. Couples counselling or relationship coaching can help you and your partner work through your difficulties. You can also work with me on your own to improve your wellbeing and work on your relationship satisfaction from your side.

Feeling unhappy in a relationship after having kids is a common experience; in fact, the Gottmans have found that two-thirds of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction in the first three years after becoming parents.

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and communicate with your partner. Making time for each other, focusing on the positives, and taking care of yourself can all help improve your happiness in your relationship. Often the best thing to do is to get some professional help to work on your relationship so you can find happiness together again.

Unhappy Relationship After Kids? Ready For Change?

Through relationship coaching and/or therapy, we can work together to get your relationship back on track. Click here to get in touch and find out more.

If you found this article helpful, you can also click here to get regular relationship advice straight to your inbox.

The post Why You Might Feel Unhappy in Your Relationship After Having Kids – And What To Do appeared first on Insight & Connection.