This blog explores how everyday interactions shape your relationship after kids. We’ll look at what happens when you’re snappy or unresponsive, why your reactions matter more than you think, and how small changes can help you rebuild emotional closeness, communicate better, and feel more connected – even during stressful times.
Why Small Moments Matter in Your Relationship After Kids
Maintaining a strong relationship while raising kids together can be challenging. Do you find yourself getting snappy with your partner, or being too exhausted or distracted to respond when they speak? Or perhaps you’re more bothered by your partner getting snappy or being unresponsive to you?
These small, everyday moments might not seem like a big deal in isolation, but they add up. The way you respond (or don’t respond) to your partner has a huge impact on the long-term health of your relationship.
In this post, we’ll explore how to spot and respond to bids for connection, what happens when you don’t, and how to rebuild closeness even when tensions are running high or you’re going through a rough patch.
The Simple Habit That Builds Lasting Connection
Picture the scene: your partner asks for your attention – directly or indirectly.
Maybe they speak to you, ask a question, reach out to touch you, hold something out for you to take, or simply look your way.
They might send you a text, or call you on the phone.
On the surface, they’re asking for attention – but underneath, they’re reaching for connection.
It might seem obvious that these little moments matter. But it’s easy to underestimate just how powerful your response can be when it comes to feeling close and connected.
How to Recognise Bids for Connection in Everyday Moments
When you call your partner’s name, you’re hoping they’ll answer.
When you glance their way, it feels good when they smile back.
And when you ask a question, of course you’re hoping they’ll respond.
These things might seem small, but they’re anything but insignificant.
According to decades of research by the Gottman Institute, these tiny, everyday interactions are far more important to your relationship than grand gestures like gifts, holidays, or even date nights.
Why Being Responsive Strengthens Your Relationship
Responding to your partner when they reach for you can be surprisingly simple.
Being responsive doesn’t necessarily mean giving them exactly what they want – it just means showing them they matter.
It’s about tuning in, rather than tuning out.
This one small habit can have a big emotional impact.
It doesn’t take much time or energy, but over time it builds a culture of warmth, trust, and emotional safety.
Look for opportunities to respond positively – especially when things feel tense or distant between you.
These moments of connection can free you to turn things around, by helping you both feel more secure and supported.
What Happens When You Miss Your Partner’s Bids for Connection
None of us are going to catch every word, glance, or gesture our partner sends our way – we’re human.
But when we miss their bids for connection often – especially because we’re distracted or our minds are elsewhere – it can slowly chip away at the closeness we share.
These days, it mostly happens when we’re on our phones.
Unintentional Neglect Still Hurts
Missing each other like this isn’t usually deliberate, but it still hurts.
Think about how kids behave when they can’t get your attention.
They might act out, whine, or do something wild – anything to feel noticed.
Your partner might not tug on your sleeve, but their need to feel seen and responded to isn’t so different.
And if you’ve ever tried to talk to your partner while they stare at their phone, you’ll know what it’s like to feel invisible.
As Anna Jae put it:
“You’re ignoring me so loud that it’s deafening.”
Over time, this kind of unresponsiveness builds up.
And here’s the hard truth that research has found: feeling ignored again and again can be just as damaging to a relationship as frequent arguments or even infidelity.
How Technology Can Gradually Disconnect You from Your Partner
If there’s one small shift that can make a big difference in your relationship, it’s this: be more responsive.
Make more effort to notice the moments when your partner wants your attention, and try to treat them as invitations to connect.
The more you respond with warmth and presence, the more trust and emotional intimacy you’ll build.
And that’s the stuff that makes physical intimacy easier and more enjoyable too.
So if your phone often gets more eye contact than your partner, try putting it down more often.
Even better, charge it outside the bedroom, so those precious times when it’s just you and your partner, alone together, don’t get interrupted by scrolling and notifications.
Getting Snappy With Your Partner? What That Irritability Might Be Telling You
Even more disconnecting than ignoring your partner is snapping at them when they reach for you.
When they call your name, do you ever hear yourself snapping back with an irritated “What?!”
Getting Snappy With My Partner: A Personal Perspective
I know what it’s like to get caught in this cycle with someone you love, because I went through a phase of getting snappy with my partner a lot.
For me, it was often in those everyday moments, like when my partner looked a bit fed up doing the washing up, or mentioned something about the laundry. I’d react quickly, defensively.
I didn’t get snappy with my partner because I didn’t care about him or our relationship. It was because, deep down, I was carrying this invisible pressure to “do it all”. So when he looked tired, I didn’t just see tired – I saw judgment. I saw resentment. And I felt like I was failing.
The thing is, those thoughts weren’t coming from him. They were coming from me. From the stories I’d internalised about what it meant to be a “good mum” and how much I thought I should be able to carry on my own.
Realising this was huge. Because once I understood that my snappiness with my partner was a signal, not a personality flaw, I could start treating it like a warning light – a nudge to pause and check in with myself before reacting. That one shift changed the way we communicated.
And now it’s something I help other parents learn too.
Because our kids are watching – and we want better for them too.
Recognising and Soothing Irritable Responses in Your Relationship
We all get grumpy sometimes – it’s human. But when someone’s irritable with us, it’s hard not to take it personally.
Even small things, like deliberately looking away when your partner tries to make eye contact, can sting. Eye contact is a powerful signal that we’re acceptable and accepted.
These little moments might seem minor, but they can hurt more than we realise.
And over time, they create distance and make conflict more likely.
Communication Strategies to Help You Reconnect
If you notice yourself snapping or shutting down, pause and take a moment to check in with yourself. What’s going on for you – or between you and your partner – that might be behind this reaction?
Start by taking responsibility. That might mean offering an apology, and then getting curious about how you’re feeling.
Irritability is usually a signal that something deeper needs your attention.
Maybe a boundary has been crossed. Maybe an expectation hasn’t been met. Perhaps there’s been resentment building up under the surface.
You might need to ask for something different, or clarify what’s okay with you, and what’s not.
Once you’ve tuned in to your own experience, share what’s on your mind with your partner honestly and kindly. Speak from your own experience, and be as clear as you can about your needs.
A simple formula can help: “When … happens, I feel … because I need … Would you be willing to…?”
(You can read more about using nonviolent communication here.)
Successful relationships happen between people who take responsibility for the tone, energy, and attitude they bring to each other.
As Steven Magee puts it:
“Kisses, not hisses.”
From Snappy With Your Partner to Strengthening Your Relationship After Kids
Building a strong relationship after kids doesn’t happen by accident – it takes intention, care, and consistent daily choices.
Those everyday moments – the glances, the tone, the tiny gestures – they all add up to shape how loved, seen, and safe we feel with each other.
So if you’ve been feeling disconnected or snapping more than usual, here are some practical ways to rebuild emotional closeness, plus strategies to turn things around when you’re not getting along.
Practical Tips for Building Emotional Closeness In Your Relationship While Raising Children Together
1. Prioritise Quality Time Together
When you’re juggling children, work, and everything else, it’s easy to stop prioritising each other.
Remember that small pockets of quality time can go a long way.
A cuddle before the kids wake up. A chat on the sofa once they’re in bed.
And yes, book the babysitter and go out – even if you’re tired. Especially if you’re tired!
Because the more connected you feel, the more generous and gentle you’ll be with each other. And that connection doesn’t just happen, it’s created.
2. Practise Active Listening
When your partner speaks, how often do you truly listen?
Not half-listening while scrolling. Not nodding while thinking about something else.
Active listening means putting your phone down, looking them in the eye, and showing interest in their world.
It makes your partner feel heard and important – and that deepens understanding, empathy, and closeness.
3. Express Appreciation and Gratitude
Gratitude isn’t just polite – it’s powerful.
Acknowledging what your partner does, even the little things, helps them feel appreciated and seen.
A “thank you” for doing the school run.
A message that says, “I noticed what you did earlier – it meant a lot.”
These small moments build a sense of love, respect, and emotional closeness, which will bring out the best in both of you.
4. Be Physically Affectionate
Touch is one of the simplest, most powerful ways to say “I’m here with you”.
A kiss on the cheek. A hand on the back. A hug that lingers a second longer.
These tiny moments of physical affection help maintain emotional and physical intimacy – even when life is hectic.
Make it a daily habit, even if it’s just for a moment.
5. Communicate Openly and Honestly
Open and honest communication is the lifeblood of connection.
Share what your thoughts, feelings, and concerns – even if they’re messy or hard to put into words.
Encourage your partner to open up to you, and strengthen your bond, by asking open-ended questions. Be curious, not just about what’s wrong, but about your partner’s hopes, ideas, and inner world.
Honest communication helps resolve misunderstandings, which is vital to feeling close again. And deep connection comes from feeling safe enough to be real with each other.
How to Turn Things Around When You’re Getting Snappy With Your Partner And Not Getting Along
1. Acknowledge the Issue
The first step to changing anything is noticing there’s a problem.
It’s not always easy to admit that things feel off – but ignoring issues rarely makes them go away, and will probably leave you feeling more disconnected over time.
If you find yourself snapping often, it’s likely time to have an open conversation about what’s happening between you.
That alone can begin to shift the dynamic.
2. Take Responsibility for Your Actions
It takes courage to say, “That wasn’t fair – I’m sorry”.
And it can be transformative: owning your part in a pattern is one of the most powerful ways to start changing it.
If you’ve been irritable or distant, acknowledge it.
It shows you’re invested in your relationship and willing to grow – and that matters more than always getting it right.
3. Practise Patience and Empathy
When things are tense, a bit of patience and empathy can make a significant difference.
Try to see the situation through your partner’s eyes.
What might they be feeling and hoping for, underneath their behaviour?
Even if you don’t agree, showing that you care about their experience helps reduce conflict and rebuild connection.
4. Take A Break If Things Get Heated
If things start escalating, press pause.
It’s okay to take a break. In fact, if a conversation with your partner is becoming tense or turning into an argument, taking a time-out its often the most responsible thing you can do – especially if children are listening.
Step away, calm down, and give yourselves space to think.
Then come back when you can talk with more clarity and kindness.
5. Focus on Solutions, Not Blame
It’s easy to fall into blame, especially when you’re hurt or overwhelmed – but blame keeps you stuck.
Try shifting the focus from “whose fault is this?” to “what can we do differently?”
Think of it as “you and me against the problem” – not “you against me”.
That change alone can make a huge difference.
6. Have Fun Together To Feel Like Teammates Again
Often when you least feel like hanging out together is when you most need it.
Sometimes the best way to feel close again is simply to have fun together.
Cook a meal, play a silly game, go on the kind of date you used to love.
Shared activities give you moments of joy and connection – and remind you of who you are as a couple, not just as co-parents.
And that can help you feel like teammates again.
7. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If things feel stuck, it’s wise to look for support.
Working with a couples therapist or relationship coach who understands what it’s like to raise kids together can make a huge difference.
You don’t need to wait for a crisis – in fact, the earlier you get help, the easier it usually is to get back on track.
There’s no shame in needing help. You’re learning new skills for a new stage of life, and that’s something to be proud of.
Moving Forwards: From Getting Snappy With Your Partner to Feeling Close Again
In all relationships, but especially after having kids, the small moments matter more than we realise. The way you respond to your partner when they reach for connection has a powerful impact on how connected and supported you both feel.
When you can respond with presence and care, even when you’re tired or stressed, you build trust and intimacy. You lay the foundations of a strong, resilient relationship. Remember, it’s the small, consistent efforts that make the biggest difference in the long run.
And when you notice you’re getting snappy with your partner or shutting down, you can choose to slow down and do something different. Repair, reconnect, and talk about what you need. Those small moments of turning toward each other are what will carry you through.
Take the time to be present, put down your phone, and invest in your relationship. Over time, you’ll come to feel the benefits in every aspect of your life together.
If you’ve been feeling stuck in a pattern of distance, disconnection, or irritability, you’re not alone, and support is available.
If you’ve been caught in a cycle of snappiness and defensiveness, here’s what I want you to know:
It makes sense that you get so overwhelmed sometimes.
It’s a warning light.
When you figure out what it’s trying to tell you about what you need – and learn to communicate those needs by turning towards your partner instead of turning against them – you can break the cycle of snappiness – and be a cycle breaker for your kids too.
Relationship therapy or coaching can help you understand what’s really going on beneath the surface when you feel snappy with your partner, and guide you to find your way back to one another.
Ready to stop getting snappy with your partner?
Want to explore working together? You can find out more about relationship coaching and therapy here, or contact relationships after kids expert Catherine Topham Sly here.
You can also join the mailing list for regular relationship advice, encouragement, and tips to help you feel more connected in your relationship – especially while parenting together.