Complimenting your partner may sound simple, but it’s one of the most powerful (and underused) ways to build emotional connection, especially after having kids. In this blog, you’ll learn how small shifts in how you thank and appreciate each other can make a big difference. We’ll explore: 1. The ideal positive-to-negative comment ratio, 2. How to create a culture of appreciation, 3. Practical examples of compliments to use, 4. Why receiving compliments well matters too.
Boosting Your Relationship Through Appreciation and Compliments
If you want a strong, connected relationship – especially during the chaos of parenting – learning to show appreciation is one of the most powerful things you can do. Compliments aren’t just a “nice extra”, they’re part of the glue that holds couples together.
Genuine appreciation helps your partner feel seen, valued, and emotionally safe. It creates a culture of connection rather than criticism.
And here’s the real eye-opener: research shows there’s a specific ratio of positive-to-negative interactions that happy couples tend to hit. Let’s talk about what that ratio is, and how you can actually make it your new normal.
Introduction to Compliments in Relationships: The Importance of Being Appreciative And Impact of Compliments on Relationship Health
You might be wondering whether it really matters if you compliment your partner regularly. As a couples counsellor and coach, and expert in relationships while parenting, I can tell you without hesitation: yes, it matters!
Compliments and kind words help your partner feel seen, appreciated, and emotionally connected. And in the day-to-day stress of parenting, those small moments of connection can make all the difference.
They help interrupt the cycle of criticism and defensiveness that many couples fall into. By creating a foundation of good feeling, they make everything else in the relationship easier to navigate. And that includes giving each other the benefit of the doubt when things go wrong.
In this post, you’ll learn:
- The “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions
- How to create a habit of appreciation (even when you’re feeling tired or resentful)
- What kinds of compliments land best
- Why receiving compliments well matters too
The Magic Ratio of Positive:Negative Comments For A Healthy Relationship: Understanding the Gottman Institute’s Findings
How many positive things do you think you say to your partner each day? And how many negative ones?
Over a week, what do you think your ratio of positive to negative comments is? What would you like it to be?
Believe it or not, The Gottman Institute have actually put a number on this!
They’ve been doing extensive research into couple relationships for over fifty years years. So what have they found? Happy couples say around twenty positive things for every one negative.
And even in times of conflict, they keep to a ratio of five positive things for every one negative.
So that’s the magic ratio you need to hit if you want to keep things running smoothly between you – let’s think about how.
Tips for Maintaining The Positive-to-Negative Comment Ratio: Dialling Up The Positivity And Dialling Down The Negativity
The great thing about knowing the ideal ratio you need to hit for your relationship to thrive is that you can work on it from both sides.
You can work on biting your tongue when you’re feeling critical (until you feel calm enough to express any important complaints constructively), while also crowding your complaints out with lots of loving words.
Do you find it easier to say more nice stuff, or less nasty stuff?
Check out my video on criticism, which includes:
- Why criticism is so damaging
- How to make complaints without criticising
- How to stop feeling critical of your partner
- What to do if your partner is being critical of you
Top tip: One way to feel less critical is to actively practise gratitude for your partner.
When you look for more opportunities to express thanks and compliments, over time you will actually feel less critical.
Creating a Culture Of Appreciation: Using Everyday Moments To Express Love And Gratitude And Other Strategies to Increase Positive Interactions
If you want a strong, rewarding relationship, here’s what you need to know: what your partner needs most from you is to feel loved, appreciated, understood, accepted, important, and close to you.
It sounds obvious but it’s not always easy: treat your partner with respect and affection.
Don’t save loving words for special occasions!
Look for ways to tell and show your partner that you love and appreciate them all the time.
Look for them in the most ordinary, everyday moments.
When you think something positive about them, say it out loud.
Not thinking positive things about them? Take time every day to think about your partner and look for the good until you do.
Nothing in this life stays steady for long. When we neglect any area of our life, it tends to go into decline.
You can create an upwards spiral in your relationship, and here’s how:
Remember that thinking good things about your partner is not enough – you need to say them out loud!
Effective Compliment Giving: Tips for Genuine, Meaningful Compliments, And Examples of Compliments That Strengthen Bonds
Many couples naturally compliment each other less as time goes on.
But plenty of couples continue to show appreciation regularly – and they’re usually much happier for it.
The most meaningful compliments tend to be specific and sincere.
Have you fallen out of the habit of saying kind things to your partner?
If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few ideas:
- “I love watching you with the kids – you really bring the fun to our family.”
- “That was so thoughtful, what you said to the little one earlier.”
- “You’re a great parent.”
- “Thank you for folding the laundry.”
- “I really enjoyed our chat over lunch.
- “You look so good in that t-shirt.”
- “Thank you for putting petrol in the car, it made my day so much easier.”
When was the last time you genuinely complimented your partner?
What’s one kind or encouraging thing you could say to them today?
Receiving Compliments Graciously: The Challenge of Accepting Compliments And How to Respond to Compliments Affirmatively
My name’s Catherine, I’m a woman, and I’m British.
So it probably won’t surprise you to hear that I used to be terrible at accepting compliments… until I learned how important it really is.
Do you ever feel awkward or embarrassed when someone compliments you?
What’s the first thing you usually say in response?
Stop and picture this for a second: Imagine I say, “You handled that beautifully – you’re a great parent.”
What pops into your head to say back?
Often, our responses can come across as unintentionally dismissive.
To the person giving the compliment, a reply like “No I’m not” can sound like “Don’t say that”.
It doesn’t feel good when your compliments are batted away.
So what usually happens next?
If compliments aren’t received well, partners often stop giving them altogether.
But this shift often happens so gradually, no one even notices – let alone talks about it.
Then, years down the line, one of you says: “You never say anything nice to me anymore.”
So how do you accept a compliment – and mean it?
It’s simple: just smile and say thank you.
You might feel awkward at first – and that’s okay. Say “thank you” anyway!
With practice, it will start to feel more natural.
And if your partner rarely compliments you these days, try this: Take the lead. Give them one genuine compliment each day, and see what happens.
So You Compliment Your Partner… What Next? How To Keep Growing Together
Practising gratitude and giving compliments might sound simple, but they’re powerful tools for strengthening your relationship, especially during the parenting years. If this has resonated with you and you’d like more support, you can click here to join my mailing list for regular insights, tools, and encouragement.
Ready for more personalised support? Find out how relationship coaching and therapy could help you here, then click here to get in touch.