Reigniting The Spark After Kids
Have you and your partner lost your emotional and physical connection since becoming parents? Let’s look at why this happens, and how you can regain your spark after kids.
Having children is amazing, isn’t it?
I often look at my children and remind myself what a literal dream come true they are.
(Sometimes as an active gratitude practice, to balance out some of the more difficult feelings that raising them brings up in me!)
Knowing how much they need us, want to be near us, their unconditional love…
It can be hard sometimes, but it does make a person feel special.
It’s easy to get drawn in by that. And to forget that your partner once met that need for you.
We can forget that our children won’t always do this – and shouldn’t be expected to.
It’s our partner’s role to make us feel special, like we matter.
To bear witness to our life, to help us to feel less alone in it.
It’s natural to be very focused on our babies in those early days as we fall in love with them.
And sooner or later we need to turn back to our partners, and bring our emotional needs to them.
This doesn’t take from our children – it protects them from feeling burdened by needs that aren’t theirs to meet.
(And children need to know that their power over their parents is limited in order to feel safe.)
It’s healthy to invest our energy in adult, loving relationships, and find satisfaction there. When we do this, we free our children to explore the world independently, supported by us (and not the other way around).
And we free ourselves to come back to our partners. To focus our attention back on the relationship that started it all.
This is a vital part of reigniting the spark.
Your connection with your child and your connection with your partner are different – and you’re going to need both.
Finding Your Spark After Kids: Parent vs. Lover
We have a lot of names for our partners: girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancé(e), husband, wife…
Essentially what they all mean for most of us is something like “lover + commitment”.
Then we have kids, and the relationship changes.
Suddenly we’re co-parents. And with all the new joint decision-making, it can sometimes feel like we’re colleagues or business partners.
Looking at this person who was once just your lover, your friend, your partner in crime – just for you – and adapting as everyone keeps calling them “Mum” or “Dad”… it can be a challenge.
But the bigger challenge – and one which is still something of a taboo – can be adapting back the other way, once the baby is asleep and you’re alone again.
Seeing your partner and lover as the mother or father of your child can create an enormous shift in how you relate to them.
You might become more cautious with your partner. You might feel less free to be passionate, express desire, or even feel it.
To overcome this, you’ll need to remind yourself that “parent” is a role your partner occupies for your child, not for you.
Your relationship with them is multi-faceted. And there is nothing to stop you from being Mum and Dad by day, and something else entirely by night.
Making time for each other – a couple of tips:
1. Make time for each of you as individuals to do the things you loved pre-parenthood. This will help each of you to see yourselves as well as each other as more than “Mum” or “Dad”.
2. Make time for the two of you as a couple. If you can, spend it in a space where you can see nothing related to the children, and with a complete ban on talking about them.
Get Your Sex Life Back On Track
Becoming a parent is tough on each of us, and it’s tough on our relationships.
Recovering from pregnancy and birth, learning to parent, coping with sleep deprivation, and hormones, and the whole reconfiguration of your identity and relationship… it’s a lot!
It’s natural for sex to drop down the agenda for a while.
But sometimes months or even years pass without us getting our sex lives back on track.
And often this can lead to arguments. Or something which can feel even worse: a sense of disconnection and distance that feels hard to cross.
Most couples find – as they cope with having less time, less talk, less sleep, less money, less freedom, and less privacy – that sex doesn’t “just happen” in the way it did before kids.
But this can be a huge loss, and a big factor in feeling less connected emotionally.
Getting Back In The Sack
Looking to reignite that spark after kids?
Back In The Sack is my 30-page PDF workbook which will guide you through your journey back to being lovers again.
You’ll learn about the typical blocks and patterns that get in the way of parents enjoying an active sex life, and what you can do about them.
It will support you to do a deep dive into what you want to change and how you’re going to change it, using the 30+ journal/discussion prompts.
And it will leave you feeling more confident talking about sex, inspired by the tip and examples.
Getting back in the sack after kids is a question of mindset, priority, and habit.
Download the workbook today and discover how you can shift your mindset, make sex a priority again, and get back in the habit of enjoying each other.