Feeling lonely in your relationship after kids is more common than most parents realise. This post explores why emotional and relational loneliness often grow after having children, why it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing, and how loneliness can be understood as a sign you need connection, care, and change.
Why So Many Parents Feel Lonely in Their Relationships After Kids
I was reflecting on a session with a client recently, when a moment from my own early days as a new mother came flooding back to me.
My husband and I were both in the same room, the baby was asleep, and on the surface nothing was wrong. But I’d been feeling this hollow feeling in my chest, and it suddenly hit me that I felt lonely – even when we were together.
It wasn’t the kind of loneliness that comes from being alone, but from when you’re not connecting on a deep enough level to leave you feeling truly seen.
If you’ve ever found yourself feeling lonely in your relationship, especially after kids, it can feel quite confusing. On the one hand, young children can be so demanding, you probably crave more time alone. And at the same time, you and your partner are still living together, parenting, and functioning as a couple. So it makes sense if you’re wondering why it still feels like something important is missing.
Feeling lonely in a relationship after kids is far more common than most parents realise – and it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It usually means that as a couple you haven’t yet caught up with how much your life has changed, and found new ways to open up to each other and connect.
Let’s talk about what’s really going on, and why feeling lonely in your relationship after kids is far more common (and meaningful) than most people realise.
Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship After Kids
Loneliness in a relationship doesn’t always come from distance or conflict, although it’s very common for both of those to increase in the early years after having children. Many parents find themselves Googling “I feel lonely in my relationship after kids” because the loneliness doesn’t seem to make much sense on the surface – but it’s very real.
Often, it looks like:
- feeling unseen or emotionally unsupported
- no longer sharing your inner worlds with each other
- talking only about logistics and childcare
- missing the sense of “us” you once had
Many parents tell me they feel guilty for feeling lonely – especially when their partner is trying their best in their own way.
But the loneliness you feel isn’t a judgment on your relationship. It’s a feeling like any other, and emotions are messengers about needs.
Two Types of Loneliness Parents Experience After Kids
When people talk about feeling lonely in their relationship after having children, they’re often describing two overlapping experiences that it can be helpful to name.
1. Emotional loneliness
Emotional loneliness is the feeling of not being truly seen, known, or emotionally connected.
You might be:
- holding a lot inside because it feels like “too much” to share
- avoiding difficult conversations because you’re exhausted
- missing being asked how you are, beyond your role as a parent
Some couples get on okay on the surface, stay polite and function well as parents, but you can still feel emotionally lonely within that. It’s often a sign that you’re not tuned into each other’s feelings and needs on the deeper level that’s needed to create a sense of emotional safety.
2. Relational loneliness
Relational loneliness is about the loss of shared time, connection, and partnership.
After kids, many couples experience:
- drastically reduced quality time as a couple
- less space for affection or intimacy
- fewer shared experiences or moments of fun
- a sense of living parallel lives
This kind of loneliness isn’t about not loving your partner. It’s about not having enough opportunities to be partners any more.
And most parents experience both emotional and relational loneliness at times, which then feed into each other.
Why Loneliness Often Increases After Having Kids
Becoming parents changes everything – but not always equally.
One partner’s world might shrink dramatically, at least in the short term.
One partner might carry more of the emotional and mental load.
One partner might feel they’ve lost more parts of themselves.
When these shifts go unspoken or unacknowledged, loneliness grows.
This isn’t because anyone is doing anything wrong, but because the relationship hasn’t yet adapted to this new stage of life.
“But We’re Still Together – Why Do I Feel So Lonely?”
Feeling lonely after kids is often hardest when the relationship still looks “fine” from the outside – because there’s no obvious crisis to point to, just a growing sense of emotional distance.
This can be one of the most painful parts of post-baby loneliness.
You might feel like you’re not alone enough to justify the feeling.
Not unhappy enough to seriously consider leaving.
Not disconnected enough for it to be obvious to anyone but you.
So you might minimise it, push it down, or tell yourself you should be grateful.
But loneliness doesn’t usually disappear when it’s ignored.
In fact, it often deepens.
Loneliness Isn’t a Failure – It’s Information
Feeling lonely in your relationship after kids doesn’t mean:
- you chose the wrong partner
- your relationship is broken
- you’re asking for too much
It means something important is missing right now – emotionally, relationally, or both.
Loneliness is often the first signal that your relationship needs:
- more emotional honesty
- more of a sense of shared meaning
- more intentional connection
- more support for you to feel like you, not just support for the family
And crucially: this awareness doesn’t require your partner to change first.
What Helps When You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship After Kids
If you feel lonely in your relationship after kids, you might have tried to push for closeness in ways which don’t always go well, or perhaps you’ve been pretending everything’s fine.
It’s often more helpful to understand what kind of loneliness you’re experiencing – emotional, relational, or both – and respond to it with the honesty and care it deserves.
You don’t need to “fix” yourself or your partner.
It can help to start by focusing instead on taking your own experience more seriously.
That might mean:
- naming the loneliness instead of dismissing it
- getting curious about what you’re actually missing
- rebuilding connection in small, realistic ways
- learning how to express needs without blaming or shutting down
Loneliness eases when you feel emotionally anchored again – first in yourself, then in your relationship.
Final Thoughts: If You Feel Lonely After Kids, You’re Not Alone, and Change Is Possible
If you’re searching for answers because you feel lonely in your relationship after kids, please be reassured:
This feeling is common. It makes sense. And it is changeable.
A feeling of loneliness isn’t a verdict on your relationship – it’s information about what needs attention in this phase of your life. When you listen to it rather than dismiss it, it can become the starting point for deeper connection, not the end of the story.
If you’d like support with this, you’re welcome to:
- join my mailing list for honest conversations about relationships after kids
- explore my free guide on understanding and resolving resentment (which often sits right alongside loneliness)
- get in touch about working with me, either for solo relationship coaching or together with your partner
But even if you do nothing else today, know this:
The loneliness you’re feeling right now matters. It’s trying to tell you something worth listening to. And change is possible.