Having children can impact a couple’s sex life and intimate connection. To reignite passion and improve your sex life after kids: prioritise intimacy, communicate openly about sexual and non-sexual matters, and try new experiences. Practice self-care, break the link between physical contact and sex, and seek professional help if needed. Effort and creativity can help strengthen the bond between partners and improve overall wellbeing.
How To Improve Your Sex Life After Having Kids
Most couples find that having children brings significant changes to their relationship, including their sex life. Our children bring great joy to our lives, and they also take up a huge amount of our time and energy, leaving less available for intimacy with our partners.
Physical factors like hormonal changes and tiredness can impact how readily you feel desire too. How much physical touch and sex we have is largely a question of habit, and many couples find it difficult to get back into the habit, even once they’re physically ready.
The trouble comes when your intimate connection wanes and it has a knock-on effect on life outside the bedroom. When you’re not connecting with your partner physically, you might find yourself worrying more about your differences. You might struggle to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you fall out more easily. This vicious cycle can feel hard to break, but with a bit of effort and creativity, you can reignite your sexual connection and enjoy a fulfilling sex life.
Here are my top tips and strategies for improving your sex life after having kids. From prioritising intimacy to exploring new ways to connect, there are many ways to rekindle the passion and strengthen your bond with your partner.
1. Make time for yourself
In order to want sex with your partner, you probably need to feel a certain level of energy and confidence. You know self-care is crucial to your overall wellbeing, but how much do you think about how it can also benefit your sex life? Ask for (and take!) the time you need for activities that make you feel good, like exercise, meditation, and fun stuff that makes you feel like your old self again. This will not only benefit you but also your relationship with your partner, and make a fulfilling sex life easier to achieve.
2. Break the link between physical contact and sex
Any feeling of pressure to have sex can be a massive turn-off, so make sure you talk to your partner if you’re feeling this. Let them know that you want to make time spent cuddling, kissing and holding each other part of your regular routine, so you’ll stay connected emotionally. It might help to ask them to leave it to you to say if/when you want to take it further. It might seem counterintuitive at first, but when we break the link between physical closeness and sex, we’re often more open to kissing and cuddling, and end up having more sex.
3. Prioritise intimacy
One of the biggest challenges for parents is finding time for intimacy. Between work, parenting, and other responsibilities, you might find your sex life dropping down the list of priorities. But if you want to improve your sex life, you’ll need to make time for intimacy. If you believe you don’t have time, you might give up trying. Try looking instead for the best opportunities you do have, e.g. when the baby is napping, or as soon as the kids are down for the evening.
4. Communicate openly about sex
Effective communication is key to a healthy and fulfilling sex life, especially after having kids. Most of us find talking about sex difficult at times, if not all the time! But it’s so rewarding to find ways to talk more openly and honestly with your partner about your thoughts and feelings, needs, desires, and concerns. The more you open up to them, the more they’re likely to share with you – as long as you show a willingness to listen to their perspective and work together to find solutions that work for both of you.
5. Communicate about non-sexual stuff too
To be open to connecting physically, most of us need to feel relaxed, connected, and satisfied with our relationships outside the bedroom. So make sure you’re having open conversations about how you’re feeling about your life together, your roles and responsibilities, and any resentments before they build up. Make time every day, week, month, and year where you give each other plenty of undivided attention and talk about your feelings and needs, hopes, dreams, and fears.
6. Try something new
Under the time pressure of life with kids, it’s easy to fall into a sexual habit which becomes a sexual rut. When was the last time you tried something new together? If you want to keep things fresh and exciting, introducing new ideas can help. You could try talking about what turns you on, telling each other what you’d like to do, or introducing a new toy or outfit. A little open-mindedness and willingness to try new things can go a long way as you communicate with your partner about what you want to explore together.
7. Seek help if needed
If you’re struggling with sexual issues after having kids, please seek help rather than struggling on alone. If you’re experiencing pain, discomfort, or other sexual difficulties, I’d recommend contacting a pelvic health physio, your GP or other healthcare provider. They can help you to identify the root cause of your problems and provide guidance on how to address them. Please don’t delay – this is everyday stuff for these professionals, and seeking help is a sign of strength.
Improving Your Sex Life After Having Kids Is Possible
Improving your sex life after having kids may require some effort and creativity, but it’s worth it for the sake of your relationship and overall wellbeing. When you make time for yourself and your partner, communicate openly, and try new things, you can reignite the passion and strengthen your bond with your partner.
For more help improving your sex life after having kids, check out Back In The Sack, where you’ll find all the most useful information you need to find a way back to having regular, satisfying sex, all in one place, simply laid out.
This workbook will support you to make the changes you want to your sex life, whether you work through it on your own or with your partner.
How The Back In The Sack Workbook Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life After Having Kids
Back In The Sack is the sex after kids workbook by relationships after kids expert Catherine Topham Sly. It’s packed full of super clear information on:
- The typical pattern that couples get into that limits physical and emotional intimacy, and how to break it
- Why going from “Mum” or “Dad” to lover feels so difficult sometimes, and what you can do to make it easier
- How to get out of your head and into your body – where pleasure happens
- Breaking the cycle of rejection that leave you both feeling awful
Plus over 30 reflection/discussion questions to help you to think through:
- Why sex matters to you, and how you’ll benefit from having more of it
- What’s holding you back, and how you can overcome your blocks
- How your body has changed and your needs might have done too
- What you need to start feeling sexy and enjoying sex again, and how you can get those needs met
And finally, there’s a section on talking about sex, with plenty of tips and those crucial examples to help you to start the conversation.
Download the workbook today and discover how you can improve your sex life after having kids by shifting your mindset and making sex a priority again.