Many couples find themselves in a sexless marriage after having kids – but it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. Parenthood changes everything, including intimacy. This post explains why sex disappears, how emotional disconnection plays a role, and what small, practical steps can help you rebuild closeness and desire again.
Sexless Marriage After Having Kids: Why You’re Not Alone, And How It Can Change
You still love each other. You still parent together, laugh together on your good days, maybe even go to bed together sometimes. But the spark – and the sex – seem to have disappeared. Maybe you can’t remember the last time you had it, or perhaps you’re acutely aware of exactly what the date was. Either way, the longer it’s been, the harder it can feel to reach across the distance that’s opened up between you.
If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. A sexless marriage after having kids is far more common than most people realise. The early years of parenthood turn everything upside down: your routines, your body, your sleep, your priorities, and often, your relationship.
A lack of sex doesn’t always mean a lack of love. But it’s usually a sign that something deeper in the connection between you needs attention. And that’s something you can rebuild.
Why Sex Disappears After Parenthood
Becoming a parent changes your life on every level: physical, emotional, and relational. For most couples, the decline in sexual connection isn’t sudden. It’s often slow, gradual, and very much tied to the everyday realities of raising children.
Here are a few of the main reasons for a sexless marriage after having kids:
- Physical recovery: Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and hormonal shifts can all affect libido, body image, and comfort with sex
- Exhaustion: When you’re running on empty, it makes sense for rest to win over sex
- The mental load: The invisible mental and emotional labour of keeping a family running often leaves little headspace for desire
- Changed identities: You’re not just lovers any more, you’re parents, carers, and providers. The roles that once made you feel attractive and spontaneous now revolve around responsibility
- Resentment or emotional disconnection: When one partner feels unsupported, unseen, or overwhelmed, it’s hard to want closeness – even when you fundamentally still love each other
Sound familiar? You’re not broken, and you’re not alone.
What a “Sexless Marriage” Really Means
The phrase sexless marriage might sound dramatic, but what it really describes is a relationship where emotional closeness and physical affection have got out of sync.
Historically, a sexless marriage has been defined as one in which a couple has sex less than 10 times per year. However, for some couples, even more regular sex can leave a marriage feeling “sexless” if it’s perfunctory or emotionally distant. And for others, less frequent but emotionally satisfying sex can still leave them feeling connected and fulfilled.
What matters more than frequency for most couples is feeling desired, connected, and close. And that’s often where we need to look to find solutions. Because the problem isn’t usually rooted in a lack of attraction, but in a lack of closeness, which is built on a sense of emotional safety, i.e. the feeling that your partner is there for you.
One partner often reaches for sex as a way to feel close and connected, while the other needs to feel close and connected first, before they can want sex. It’s a mismatch of needs, not a lack of desire for closeness.
Over time, this can turn into a painful cycle of misunderstanding:
- One person feels rejected and lonely
- The other feels pressured and misunderstood
- Both stop reaching out, to avoid getting hurt
If you’ve found yourself here, it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is failing, it means your connection needs nurturing. Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy feed each other. When you rebuild one, the other often follows.
How to Start Rebuilding Intimacy – Even If You’re Not Having Sex Yet
If your marriage or relationship has gone months (or even years) without sex, you might have been feeling overwhelmed or hopeless. But remember: you don’t have to fix everything overnight. You can start small, and by staying consistent, these actions can work to close the distance between you.
1. Reframe the goal
Aim to make your goal right now not “more sex,” but more connection. That means finding ways to feel close that won’t immediately raise the expectation of sex – a touch, a cuddle, a moment of eye contact, a shared laugh. When physical touch stops feeling pressured, desire is more likely to return naturally.
2. Notice your pattern
When one of you feels distant, what happens next? Do you tend to pursue: trying to talk, reach out, or initiate? Or do you withdraw: going quiet, getting busy, or shutting down?
These are protective strategies. You’re both trying not to get hurt. But when you can notice your cycle together, you can begin to step out of it. That’s the first step toward emotional safety – and emotional safety is deeply sexy.
3. Make small gestures of affection
Start reintroducing touch that’s not about sex – a hand on the shoulder, a kiss goodbye, sitting together at the end of the day. Think of these moments as micro-connections. They tell your partner, “you matter to me,” and slowly rebuild closeness.
4. Talk about it – gently
Talking about a lack of sex can feel difficult, but silence only keeps you stuck. Choose a calm moment, not in bed or during an argument, and be honest but kind. You might say something like:
“I miss feeling close to you.”
“I’ve noticed we haven’t had sex in a while, and it makes me feel sad and a bit lost.”
“I don’t want to blame anyone, I just want us to find our way back to each other.”
Keep the focus on your feelings, not your partner’s behaviour. This opens up space for connection instead of defensiveness.
5. Take care of your individual needs
It’s hard to feel sexual when you’re depleted. Think about what helps you feel more like you: time alone, rest, creativity, exercise, laughter, support. The more alive and resourced you feel, the easier it becomes to feel desire – for all of life’s pleasures, including the ones you share with your partner.
6. Plan for intimacy (yes, really)
After kids, sex rarely just happens. To create the conditions where it’s likely to do so, you might need to plan time for connection – even if that means scheduling time when you’ll give each other your undivided attention, cuddle, kiss, and connect emotionally. This isn’t unromantic; it’s realistic. The goal isn’t to put pressure on anything happening between you, but to prioritise closeness instead of waiting for the “perfect moment,” which – let’s face it – rarely arrives.
Why Reconnection Takes Time – and Why That’s OK
You might look back and long for the passion you once had, and that’s okay – it tells us you still care. Remember that it’s normal for intimacy to evolve as our lives do. What turns you on, what makes you feel safe, what helps you relax: it all changes as you move through life, and especially parenthood.
The goal now is not to go back to who you were before kids. It’s to learn how to connect in the lives you’re living now.
Be patient with yourselves. You’re building something new – deeper, more honest, and grounded in everything you’ve been through and shared together.
A Sexless Marriage After Having Kids – When You Need a Little More Guidance
Sometimes, understanding what’s happening between you – and how to talk about it – takes support. That’s exactly why I created Back in the Sack, a workbook designed for parents who want to feel close again – physically and emotionally.
It helps you explore what’s getting in the way, rebuild emotional and physical intimacy, and learn how to talk about sex without shame or blame.
You can work through it solo or together, at your own pace, and it comes in both a printable journal and a phone-screen version. It’s not about fixing your relationship overnight – it’s about helping you understand each other again.
“This gentle and supportive workbook is a powerful companion for couples navigating intimacy after children. It feels as though Catherine is right there beside you, offering understanding, hope, and direction. Through self reflection, curiosity, and conversation, it helps couples find their way back to connection in a deeply personal and accessible way. A must-have for this stage of life!”
– Patrizia Jones, Emotionally Focused Integrative Therapist (MBACP)
You can find out more about Back in the Sack here.
A Final Thought
If you’re in a sexless marriage after having kids, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. Almost every couple goes through dry spells at some point.
The difference between couples who don’t have regular sex and those who do isn’t that one set of couples encounters issues in the bedroom and the other doesn’t. The real difference is in who chooses to face those challenges head on, and find what they need to work through them.
Where there’s still willingness on both sides, you can find your way back to each other. Slowly, gently, with curiosity and care, you can rediscover the closeness you miss, and give it the attention it needs to grow again.
And if you’d like more support, you can sign up for my newsletter for regular tips on love, connection, and communication after kids here, and find out how relationship coaching and therapy could help you here. You can also click here to find out more about Back in the Sack, or click here to get in touch.