Intimacy Issues After Kids
Are you looking to increase intimacy in your relationship? Perhaps you’ve been feeling disconnected since having kids, and wan’t to know how to get that spark back? It’s really normal for your sex life to take a hit and to experience intimacy issues after kids. The secret to increasing intimacy in your relationship after becoming parents is to pay attention to what’s happening outside the bedroom first.
Intimacy Decreased After Kids? How We Become Disconnected In Relationships
When you’re dealing with the stress and exhaustion of raising young kids, it’s totally normal to have less sex and this can easily develop into intimacy issues.
Postnatal hormones, recovery from birth, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding… these all impact our interest in sex.
These physical factors will all resolve in time and with the right care. But only you can know when you’re ready to have sex again.
Meanwhile, if mama is doing the majority of the childcare (and especially if she’s breastfeeding), it’s not uncommon for her to feel “touched out” by the end of the day.
This can lead to less kissing, cuddling, holding, and touching for you and your partner.
And if your desire is mostly ignited responsively (i.e. you need that stuff to start wanting it) this lack of physical contact can mean your interest in sex lies dormant for a while.
If you expect your desire to be more spontaneous (maybe like it was when you first got together, or pre-kids) you might not give yourself a chance to get in the mood.
You might turn your partner down often, especially if they make a move too quickly.
So rejection can become a habit.
And rejection is painful, so one or both of you might start to withdraw, to try to avoid feeling it again.
As Jeanette Winterson says, “Rejection teaches you how to reject.”
Plus most of us imagine explanations that are worse than the reality when we feel rejected, which can make it harder to talk about and break the cycle.
So how do you avoid getting into this painful cycle, or break it if you have?
- Make sure both partners understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.
- Tell your partner what you need to be open to intimacy.
- When it just isn’t happening for you, be sure to reassure your partner that you still find them attractive and want to maintain your connection.
Emotional Intimacy Is The Key To Physical Intimacy
So how do you maintain or even increase intimacy and romance, and keep your sex life alive, once you have kids?
Firstly, it’s important to recognise the physical factors that mean most couples’ sex lives takes a hit when they become parents. Being aware of these and sensitive to what you both need to be comfortable matters.
Aside from the physical stuff, the basis for romance and good sex is to establish and maintain emotional closeness.
There are three main ways in which couples do this.
Firstly, they make sure both partners are happy in their roles by dividing their responsibilities fairly.
They have open, honest discussions about who’s doing what.
They value each other’s time and contributions to the family equally.
Secondly, they develop rituals which keeps them close, like:
- Greeting each other with hugs and kisses
- Having a chat each evening about their days
- Saying please and thank you
- Making regular quality time together a priority
These might sound like small things, and you might even question their relevance. But research has found that couples who maintain these kinds of rituals feel closer and have more and better sex.
The third way couples stay close is by keeping up non-sexual affection.
This means expressing affection for your partner both through words and touch – every day.
Keep communication open about this. Let your partner know what you want e.g. “that was a lovely kiss” and don’t want (for now) e.g. “I’ve been feeding the baby all afternoon and I just need a bit of space, but let’s have a cuddle later”.
In short, if you want more and better sex: talk more, and touch more.
Intimacy Issues After Kids: How To Increase Intimacy In Your Relationship
Do you want to learn the secrets to increasing intimacy and having a happy sex life after kids?
Back In The Sack is my 30-page sex after kids PDF workbook.
Your story is unique, but most couples struggle with similar blocks and patterns which get in the way of them enjoying an active sex life.
This is all about what you can do about them, what you want to change and how you can change it, using the 30+ journal/discussion prompts.
And it will leave you feeling more confident talking about sex, inspired by the tips and examples.
Download the workbook today and discover how you can get back in the habit of enjoying each other.
You can also click here to get in touch. Or click here to join my mailing list, for regular updates on how to have a great relationship after kids.