Postpartum Sex Problems: Why They Happen and How to Start Reconnecting

Feeling unsure about sex after having a baby is far more common than most people realise. If you’re finding it stressful, painful, or just feeling distant from your partner and unsure how to bridge that gap, you might then start worrying about what it means about you and your relationship. Let’s look at what might be going on, and some gentle ways to begin finding your way back to each other.

“I thought I’d be ready by now…”

At six weeks postpartum, Rachel* got the all-clear. Everyone said things would “go back to normal”. But when they finally tried, it felt uncomfortable – and tense. Mo* worried about hurting her; she worried about disappointing him. They both missed the easy closeness they used to have. And they didn’t quite know how to talk about it.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples experience postpartum sex problems – not because there’s anything wrong with either of them, but because becoming parents changes our bodies, our routines, our energy, and for most couples, the ways we connect. There’s a lot to process, and it makes sense that intimacy feels different for a while.

Why Postpartum Sex Problems Are So Common

There isn’t one simple cause for postpartum sex problems – it’ more like a cluster of perfectly understandable changes that affect desire, comfort, and confidence:

• Physical recovery. Vaginal births, C-sections, tears, stitches, and scar tissue all take time to heal. Tenderness, dryness, and tightness are common early on.
• Hormonal shifts. Oestrogen levels drop after birth (and can remain lower while breastfeeding), which can contribute to vaginal dryness and reduced arousal.
• Exhaustion and overload. Broken sleep, round-the-clock feeding, and the mental load of keeping a tiny human alive leave very little bandwidth for pleasure or playfulness.
• Body image and identity. Your body has done something extraordinary. It may not feel familiar yet. Feeling “at home” in it again can take time.
• New roles and routines. Many couples slide into practical “business mode”. To get through this phase, you have to learn to function well as co-parents. This means that the lovers part of your relationship tends to get less attention.

None of this means sex won’t happen again. It means you both need care, patience, and the right kind of support while your bodies and relationship adjust.

It’s Not Just Physical: The Emotional Side of Postpartum Sex

In my work with couples, I’ve found that most sexual difficulties after birth are as much about emotional connection as they are about our bodies. When you feel safe, understood, and cared for, your nervous system relaxes – and that’s crucial for desire to develop.

Here’s a very common pattern: One partner (often but not always male) tries to initiates for sex as a way to feel close. The other partner (often but not always female) needs to feel close first before wanting sex. You end up caught in a loop: one person initiates to connect, the other pulls away because they don’t yet feel connected enough. You both have the best of intentions, but it’s easy to see how a painful pattern can develop when you’re both tired and touched out – even though you’re both trying your best.

When you can notice the pattern together without blaming each other, you get a chance to do something different. That’s often the first step towards feeling close again, both in and out of the bedroom.

How to Start Reconnecting (Even If You Don’t Feel Ready For Sex Yet)

You don’t have to try to leap straight back to how things were before pregnancy and birth. Instead, focus on some smaller, doable actions which will rebuild your feelings of warmth and connection.

1) Redefine what you think of as intimacy

Take the focus off penetration and give yourselves permission to broaden your definitions of sex and intimacy. Intimacy can be cuddling, kissing, having a bath or shower together, mutual massage, lying skin-to-skin, or enjoying lying in each other’s arms. When touch comes without pressure, you’ll feel more relaxed, which is an important step in building desire and arousal.

2) Talk about feelings, not frequency

Rather than comments like, “we never have sex any more”, try, “I miss feeling close to you” or “I’m nervous it’ll hurt – can we go slowly?” Speaking from the heart invites care, whereas criticism invites defensiveness. Curiosity and kindness are your best tools here.

3) Create small moments of connection

Greet each other with a kiss. Hold hands during a walk with the baby. Sit together on the sofa. Send a quick “thinking of you” text. These little rituals tell your body and brain: we matter to each other. They build emotional closeness, which is the foundation of physical closeness.

4) Go slowly – slower than you think

Whether you’re exploring touch or trying penetrative sex again, slower is better. Use lots of lube. Pay close attention to how it’s going for both of you. If anything feels uncomfortable, pause without blame and come back to holding. Think comfort first, because everything else depends on it.

5) Look after the person you are, not just the parent you’ve become

Time alone isn’t indulgent, it’s essential. Rest, a walk, a bath, a book instead of your phone, meeting a friend… make time for whatever helps you feel more like you – and make sure your partner is regularly getting some of the same. When you’re less depleted, you’re more available for connection of every kind.

6) Share the practical and mental load fairly

Desire will seriously struggle under the weight of resentment. If one of you is carrying the lion’s share of nights, chores, or mental load, address that kindly and directly. A fairer division of labour often does more for your sex life than any technique.

7) If there’s pain, get specialist help

Painful sex isn’t something to push through. A pelvic health physiotherapist can assess scar tissue, muscle tone, prolapse concerns, and guide healing exercises. Your GP is a great place to start, or check out The 360 Mama. If you’re anxious or avoiding intimacy altogether, a compassionate therapist can help you both talk about it safely, and find your way forwards.

When Your Partner Wants Sex and You Don’t (Yet)

If you’re the partner with less desire right now, you’re allowed to protect your boundaries. You’re also allowed to want cuddles, kisses, and non-sexual touch – without your partner pushing for more. Try a gentle no with a yes, e.g. “I’m not up for sex tonight, but I’d love to lie down together and talk.” This way you can prioritise connection while honouring your limits.

If you’re the partner who’s feeling rejected, think about other ways you can feel the closeness you might usually seek through sex. Reach for connection in other ways: ask to cuddle, chat on a walk together, plan a simple at-home date. When your partner feels emotionally safe and cared for, desire is more likely to grow from there.

What If We’ve Become More Like Housemates?

It happens. Many couples find themselves doing okay at teamwork and logistics, but out of practice at being lovers. Two simple shifts can help:

• Make time together at home without the focus on your baby. Once you’re ready, it can help to clear the baby gear from an area of your home for an evening, to create a space that feels more adult.
• Protect weekly connection time. It doesn’t have to be anything big. A cup of tea and a chat in bed. A shared shower or bath. A film you actually watch together without scrolling on your phones. If sex follows, lovely. If not, you’ll hopefully still feel closer for it.

Postpartum Sex Problems: When to Reach Out for Support

Ask for help sooner rather than later if any of these apply:

• Sex is persistently painful, or you’re fearful it will be
• You’re avoiding touch because it feels pressured
• You feel stuck in a pattern of rejection and pursuit that feels hard to talk about
• Resentment about chores, nights, or the mental load is building

A pelvic health physio can help with body-based concerns. A relationship therapist can help you both feel heard, reduce blame, and rebuild emotional safety, which is the foundation from which desire returns.

A Guide To Overcoming Postpartum Sex Problems

If you’re looking for guidance through this phase, my sex after kids workbook Back in the Sack was written for exactly this moment in your lives. It helps you understand what’s changed, talk about it without shame or pressure, and find practical ways to reconnect – emotionally and physically – at a pace that suits you both. You can complete it on your own or together, and make big shifts in how confident you feel talking about and navigating this phase of your relationship either way.

“If you and your partner are finding it hard to reconnect physically after having children, Back in the Sack is a practical workbook designed to help. It’s easy to pick up in bite-sized moments during those rare pockets of quiet. As a psychotherapist, I can recommend using it either on its own or alongside couples therapy for extra support.”

 

– Alison Bickers, BABCP Accredited Psychotherapist

A Final Thought on Postpartum Sex Problems

Postpartum sex problems don’t mean your relationship is broken. They mean a lot has changed, and you both deserve time, kindness, and support while you find your new rhythm. Start small. Prioritise building the feelings of warmth between you. Be honest and gentle. Closeness grows from feeling safe together, and that grows from the ways you care for each other in the everyday moments.

If you’d like more support:

• Find out more about Back in the Sack: The Sex After Kids Workbook
• Join the mailing list for regular expert advice about intimacy after parenthood and more
• Get in touch about relationship therapy and coaching

*Rachel and Mo are not a real couple, but their experience is typical of so many couples in the early months and years of parenthood. If you relate, and you’re looking for guidance to support you to overcome the challenges of your postpartum sex problems, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

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Intimacy Issues After Having Children? How to Get the Closeness Back

Emma and Dan* used to be one of those couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other. But since having their second child, they’ve found themselves living more like housemates than lovers. Their days are full of nappies, work emails, and tidying up; by the time they collapse onto the sofa, they’re too tired to talk, let alone touch.

When they do try, it often ends in frustration. Emma ends up feeling pressured and guilty. Dan feels rejected and unwanted. They both miss each other and want to feel closer, but neither knows how to bridge the gap.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

Why Intimacy Changes After Having Children

Many couples experience intimacy issues after having children – even those who felt happily connected before. And it makes sense, because parenthood changes everything: your routines, your bodies, your time, and your emotional energy.

For mothers, the physical recovery from pregnancy and birth, hormonal shifts, and sheer exhaustion can all affect how sexual they feel. For fathers, the change can be just as unsettling; they too are exhausted, and their once-affectionate partner might now seem distant or disinterested, and they don’t know how to fix it.

Add in sleepless nights, the endless to-do list, and the mental load of parenting, and it’s easy to see how sex can slip down the priority list. What used to feel natural now takes effort – and effort can feel unromantic.

But here’s what’s important to understand: intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about emotional connection – and when it’s not working, that’s usually the most helpful place to look.

Emotional Intimacy Comes First

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we talk about attachment needs: the deep human need to feel safe, seen, and loved by our partner. When that emotional bond feels shaky, physical closeness naturally diminishes.

For many couples, the distance starts with tiny moments of disconnection – a sharp comment, a missed kiss, a night where one reaches out and the other turns away. Over time, those moments add up, and it can begin to feel like you’re living parallel lives.

That’s what was happening for Emma and Dan. When Dan tried to initiate sex, Emma felt pressure. When Emma avoided his touch, Dan felt unwanted. Each was reacting to their own hurt, not realising the other was hurting too.

This cycle of approach and withdrawal is incredibly common. It’s no one’s fault – it’s a pattern that develops when both people are trying, in their own way, to protect both themselves and the relationship.

The good news is that once you can see the pattern, you can start to change it.

How to Start Reconnecting

Rebuilding intimacy after having children doesn’t start in the bedroom – it starts with how you connect throughout the day. Try these small changes to start getting closer again:

1. Focus on warmth, not performance
Simple gestures matter. Greet each other with a kiss, say thank you, check in during the day. These small moments of care remind your nervous systems that you’re on the same team.

2. Talk about how you feel, not just what’s happening
Instead of “we never have sex any more,” try “I miss feeling close to you.” Vulnerability builds trust – and trust builds the closeness that develops into desire.

3. Create time for touch that’s not about sex
Cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, or even a quick back rub (without expectations!) can help your bodies remember how good closeness can feel. When touch feels relaxed again, desire is more likely to return naturally.

4. Share what helps you relax and feel like yourself
For many parents, the biggest barrier to intimacy isn’t lack of attraction, it’s depletion. It’s hard to connect when you’re running on empty. Talk about what helps you recharge and make space for it. (And if you feel guilty, feel the guilt and do it anyway.)

5. Be patient and curious
A lot has happened to get you to the place you’re in right now, and it’ll take time to find your way back. The goal isn’t to “fix” your sex life overnight, but to understand each other better, and rebuild your sense of feeling seen by and close to each other, step by step.

The Truth About Intimacy After Children

Most couples don’t talk openly about this, so it’s easy to think everyone else is doing fine. They’re not! In fact, the Gottman Institute’s research has found that around two-thirds of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction up to three years after the birth of their first baby.

The truth is, intimacy issues after having children are not a sign that your relationship is broken. They’re a signal that you both need a little more care and attention, and a reminder to turn towards each other again.

When you start looking at intimacy as something you can nurture together, rather than something you’ve failed at, you can start making the changes you need to feel close again.

A Way to Start Rebuilding Connection

If this all feels familiar, you don’t have to navigate it alone. My workbook, Back in the Sack, was designed exactly for this – to help parents like you move from disconnection and confusion to closeness, confidence, and desire again.

It guides you through understanding what’s changed, what each of you needs, and how to start having the conversations that bring you closer – mentally, emotionally, and physically.

You can work through it on your own or together, at a pace that fits your life.

Because you both deserve to feel wanted, connected, and close again.

“This is a hugely useful book for any couples who have fallen out of the habit of sex and want to change that.”

– Anne Power, Attachment Couples Therapist

Ready to begin?

Download Back in the Sack: The Sex After Kids Workbook and start finding your way back to each other – one small, loving step at a time.

You can also join the mailing list for expert advice on relationships while parenting here.

*Emma and Dan aren’t a real couple, but the feelings and challenges they face are real – and shared by many parents working to reconnect after kids, whether it’s using the Back in the Sack workbook, in relationship coaching and therapy sessions, or using a combination of the two.

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Sexless Marriage After Having Kids: Why You’re Not Alone, And How It Can Change

You still love each other. You still parent together, laugh together on your good days, maybe even go to bed together sometimes. But the spark – and the sex – seem to have disappeared. Maybe you can’t remember the last time you had it, or perhaps you’re acutely aware of exactly what the date was. Either way, the longer it’s been, the harder it can feel to reach across the distance that’s opened up between you.

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. A sexless marriage after having kids is far more common than most people realise. The early years of parenthood turn everything upside down: your routines, your body, your sleep, your priorities, and often, your relationship.

A lack of sex doesn’t always mean a lack of love. But it’s usually a sign that something deeper in the connection between you needs attention. And that’s something you can rebuild.

Why Sex Disappears After Parenthood

Becoming a parent changes your life on every level: physical, emotional, and relational. For most couples, the decline in sexual connection isn’t sudden. It’s often slow, gradual, and very much tied to the everyday realities of raising children.

Here are a few of the main reasons for a sexless marriage after having kids:

• Physical recovery: Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and hormonal shifts can all affect libido, body image, and comfort with sex
• Exhaustion: When you’re running on empty, it makes sense for rest to win over sex
• The mental load: The invisible mental and emotional labour of keeping a family running often leaves little headspace for desire
• Changed identities: You’re not just lovers any more, you’re parents, carers, and providers. The roles that once made you feel attractive and spontaneous now revolve around responsibility
• Resentment or emotional disconnection: When one partner feels unsupported, unseen, or overwhelmed, it’s hard to want closeness – even when you fundamentally still love each other

Sound familiar? You’re not broken, and you’re not alone.

What a “Sexless Marriage” Really Means

The phrase sexless marriage might sound dramatic, but what it really describes is a relationship where emotional closeness and physical affection have got out of sync.

Historically, a sexless marriage has been defined as one in which a couple has sex less than 10 times per year. This might be because when a habit slips below once a month, it stops feeling like “something we do”.

However, for some couples, even more regular sex can leave a marriage feeling “sexless” if it’s perfunctory or emotionally distant. And for others, less frequent but emotionally satisfying sex can still leave them feeling connected and fulfilled.

What matters more than frequency for most couples is feeling desired, connected, and close. And that’s often where we need to look to find solutions. Because the problem isn’t usually rooted in a lack of attraction, but in a lack of closeness, which is built on a sense of emotional safety, i.e. the feeling that your partner is there for you.

One partner often reaches for sex as a way to feel close and connected, while the other needs to feel close and connected first, before they can want sex. It’s a mismatch of needs, not a lack of desire for closeness.

Over time, this can turn into a painful cycle of misunderstanding:

• One person feels rejected and lonely
• The other feels pressured and misunderstood
• Both stop reaching out, to avoid getting hurt

If you’ve found yourself here, it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is failing, it means your connection needs nurturing. Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy feed each other. When you rebuild one, the other often follows.

How to Start Rebuilding Intimacy – Even If You’re Not Having Sex Yet

If your marriage or relationship has gone months (or even years) without sex, you might have been feeling overwhelmed or hopeless. But remember: you don’t have to fix everything overnight. You can start small, and by staying consistent, these actions can work to close the distance between you.

1. Reframe the goal

Aim to make your goal right now not “more sex,” but more connection. That means finding ways to feel close that won’t immediately raise the expectation of sex – a touch, a cuddle, a moment of eye contact, a shared laugh. When physical touch stops feeling pressured, desire is more likely to return naturally.

2. Notice your pattern

When one of you feels distant, what happens next? Do you tend to pursue: trying to talk, reach out, or initiate? Or do you withdraw: going quiet, getting busy, or shutting down?

These are protective strategies. You’re both trying not to get hurt. But when you can notice your cycle together, you can begin to step out of it. That’s the first step toward emotional safety – and emotional safety is deeply sexy.

3. Make small gestures of affection

Start reintroducing touch that’s not about sex – a hand on the shoulder, a kiss goodbye, sitting together at the end of the day. Think of these moments as micro-connections. They tell your partner, “you matter to me,” and slowly rebuild closeness.

4. Talk about it – gently

Talking about a lack of sex can feel difficult, but silence only keeps you stuck. Choose a calm moment, not in bed or during an argument, and be honest but kind. You might say something like:

“I miss feeling close to you.”
“I’ve noticed we haven’t had sex in a while, and it makes me feel sad and a bit lost.”
“I don’t want to blame anyone, I just want us to find our way back to each other.”

Keep the focus on your feelings, not your partner’s behaviour. This opens up space for connection instead of defensiveness.

5. Take care of your individual needs

It’s hard to feel sexual when you’re depleted. Think about what helps you feel more like you: time alone, rest, creativity, exercise, laughter, support. The more alive and resourced you feel, the easier it becomes to feel desire – for all of life’s pleasures, including the ones you share with your partner.

6. Plan for intimacy (yes, really)

After kids, sex rarely just happens. To create the conditions where it’s likely to do so, you might need to plan time for connection – even if that means scheduling time when you’ll give each other your undivided attention, cuddle, kiss, and connect emotionally. This isn’t unromantic; it’s realistic. The goal isn’t to put pressure on anything happening between you, but to prioritise closeness instead of waiting for the “perfect moment,” which – let’s face it – rarely arrives.

Why Reconnection Takes Time – and Why That’s OK

You might look back and long for the passion you once had, and that’s okay – it tells us you still care. Remember that it’s normal for intimacy to evolve as our lives do. What turns you on, what makes you feel safe, what helps you relax: it all changes as you move through life, and especially parenthood.

The goal now is not to go back to who you were before kids. It’s to learn how to connect in the lives you’re living now.

Be patient with yourselves. You’re building something new – deeper, more honest, and grounded in everything you’ve been through and shared together.

A Sexless Marriage After Having Kids – When You Need a Little More Guidance

Sometimes, understanding what’s happening between you – and how to talk about it – takes support. That’s exactly why I created Back in the Sack, a workbook designed for parents who want to feel close again – physically and emotionally.

It helps you explore what’s getting in the way, rebuild emotional and physical intimacy, and learn how to talk about sex without shame or blame.

You can work through it solo or together, at your own pace, and it comes in both a printable journal and a phone-screen version. It’s not about fixing your relationship overnight – it’s about helping you understand each other again.

“This gentle and supportive workbook is a powerful companion for couples navigating intimacy after children. It feels as though Catherine is right there beside you, offering understanding, hope, and direction. Through self reflection, curiosity, and conversation, it helps couples find their way back to connection in a deeply personal and accessible way. A must-have for this stage of life!”

 

– Patrizia Jones, Emotionally Focused Integrative Therapist (MBACP)

You can find out more about Back in the Sack here.

A Final Thought

If you’re in a sexless marriage after having kids, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. Almost every couple goes through dry spells at some point.

The difference between couples who don’t have regular sex and those who do isn’t that one set of couples encounters issues in the bedroom and the other doesn’t. The real difference is in who chooses to face those challenges head on, and find what they need to work through them.

Where there’s still willingness on both sides, you can find your way back to each other. Slowly, gently, with curiosity and care, you can rediscover the closeness you miss, and give it the attention it needs to grow again.

And if you’d like more support, you can sign up for my newsletter for regular tips on love, connection, and communication after kids here, and find out how relationship coaching and therapy could help you here. You can also click here to find out more about Back in the Sack, or click here to get in touch.

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Understanding And Addressing Low Libido After Having Children

Having a baby is a life-changing experience that brings many physical, psychological, and relational challenges. One common issue for many new parents is experiencing low libido after having children.

It’s very normal to feel less interested in sex for a while after becoming a parent. Recovery from pregnancy and birth can take time, both physically and psychologically. Postnatal hormones can take a while to stabilise, especially if you’re breastfeeding, often affecting your libido.

Adapting to the new responsibilities and meeting your baby’s constant needs can be stressful. You’re also processing an identity shift, adjusting to being “Mum” or “Dad”, while getting used to seeing your partner in the parent role too.

As a couple, you have to adapt to having conversations interrupted, less time together, less disposable income – or freedom to enjoy it. You do all of this while sleep-deprived and exhausted – which makes everything harder to deal with. It’s no wonder if sex is the last thing on your mind!

Gradually, you’ll adjust and establish a rhythm with your partner and baby. However, many women find their libido doesn’t return at this point.

It’s worth investigating whether hormonal issues, contraception, or other medications are contributing to your loss of libido. Stress, anxiety, depression, and some medical conditions can also play a part. However, relationship problems are among the most common causes of low libido.

Common Causes of Low Libido After Having Children

There are many reasons women sometimes feel less desire for sex, especially after having children. Parenthood’s demands and relationship strains can make it difficult to live in a way that awakens your desire. Low libido might indicate broader relationship issues, including with your past sexual experiences and communication about sex. It might also highlight deeper feelings and beliefs about your sexuality, your place in your family, and even the world. Let’s look at five of the main reasons women lose interest in sex.

Low Libido Cause 1: Disconnection From Your Sexual Self

Women receive mixed messages about sex and sexuality from a young age, especially in religious contexts. They are often split into two camps: loveable saints who produce and raise children, and desirable sinners who have sex. (This is known as the Madonna-Whore complex.)

This messaging leads many women to shut down parts of their sexual selves, seeing sexual exploration as “not what nice girls/good mothers do”. As a result, you might never have fully explored your own sexuality and what turns you on.

Then you become a mother, and the relentless barrage of your children’s needs requires you to repress your own wants and even needs, both sexually and otherwise. You might even have shut off the whole idea of you having desires, as a way of coping with this.

Add onto this how pregnancy and birth have changed your body, perhaps in ways you haven’t come to terms with yet. If you were once in touch with your sexual self, you might feel like she’s someone you knew in a past life.

Low Libido Cause 2: A Lifestyle Which Dampens Desire

Motherhood has always required a certain level of self-sacrifice. However, many mothers are now feeling pressure to meet impossible “supermum” standards which take this to the extreme. Many are reaching a level of burnout which feels closer to self-destruction.

Many mothers are exhausted, touched out, doing way more than their fair share, and feeling resentful. These issues can feel difficult to address. On your worst days, you and your partner might feel like housemates; on better days, just “Mum and Dad,” rather than partners or lovers.

With so much work to do – paid and unpaid – finding time to move your body in ways which bring you joy might seem difficult. Perhaps you don’t think much about what brings you pleasure overall in your life, or feel like you have time for such fripperies.

Meanwhile, you’re likely someone who experiences mostly responsive desire. But given all these challenges, you and your partner might not be doing what’s needed to awaken it.

Low Libido Cause 3: Overall Relationship Dissatisfaction

Becoming parents puts a huge amount of stress on a couple. You talk less; stress and argue more. Many mothers feel resentment and even rage about the roles they and their partners seem to have fallen into.

Two-thirds of couples experience a decline in relationship satisfaction in the first three years after having a baby. It’s normal to have doubts or worries about your relationship, including wondering if you’re still compatible. Sadly though this is still something of a taboo, so you might feel like it’s just you, which can feel isolating and stressful.

Keeping your erotic connection alive is a challenging balancing act. You need emotional safety and closeness, but also a sense of healthy distance and difference. Many women in long-term relationships feel both are lacking after having children.

Low Libido Cause 4: Unsatisfying Previous Sexual Experiences

When you hear the word sex, what do you picture? For most of us, it’s penis-in-vagina penetration, which is usually more satisfying for men than women.

Women generally take longer to become fully aroused than men, so many have rarely, if ever, had truly pleasurable sex. Where sex has often felt rushed, it results in many women thinking of it as something they do for or give to men. Your patience for this will understandably disappear after another day spent meeting everyone else’s needs.

Over 95% of men and women can reliably orgasm from masturbation in just a few minutes. However, in straight sex, 95% of men usually or always orgasm, compared to 65% of women. In lesbian couples, the orgasm rate is around 85% – so this is more of a education and skill gap than a physical one.

Penis-in-vagina sex more reliably leads to orgasm for the person with the penis. Stimulation of the clitoris (manual, oral, or with toys) more reliably leads to orgasm for the person with the vulva. Closing the orgasm gap involves expanding your idea of what sex is, which ultimately makes it more fun for everyone.

Orgasms are not the be-all and end-all of good sex, of course. In fact, too much focus on them can create a counter-productive, goal-oriented approach to intimacy. There are lots of emotional, relational, and physical benefits to sex, regardless of who comes.

However, women report more satisfaction with their sex lives and relationships when they have more orgasms. The more pleasure you get from sex, the more you’re likely to want it. So doing what you can to close the orgasm gap in your relationship is a win-win, especially if you have mismatched levels of desire.

Low Libido Cause 5: Difficulty Communicating About Sex

Talking about sex can be difficult. You likely haven’t witnessed many conversations about it since they usually happen in private. You might have learned from an early age that it’s not “ladylike” to use “naughty” or “dirty” words. You might feel nervous about upsetting or offending your partner. If so, you’re not alone, and help is available.

Practical Suggestions To Increase Your Low Libido After Having Children

Low libido after having children is a common issue that many parents face. Let’s explore some practical tips to help you reignite the flame of passion in yourself and your relationship. There’s lots you can do to regain your sexual self and nurture your bond with your partner.

Low Libido Remedy 1: Reconnect With Your Sexual Self

The brain is the biggest sex organ. For most women, sexy thoughts are vital for getting in the mood and reaching orgasm. However, many women haven’t fully explored their sexuality and are unaware of the power of sexual fantasies. If you’re busy thinking about the to-do list, you’re unlikely to experience much pleasure from sex.

Reading or listening to erotica and/or watching ethical porn can help you discover what turns you on. Many sexual fantasies revolve around themes of power and surrender, and seeing and being seen. You might like to explore your turn-ons at bdsmtest.org.

If these ideas feel like a stretch, consider journaling or talking to a therapist about how you feel about yourself as a sexual being, especially now you’re a mother.

It can also help to make a practice of asking yourself “what do I want?” to break the habit of repressing your desires in favour of those of your partner and children. It’s healthy for kids to see their parents balancing their own wants with those of others.

You might feel self-conscious about your body after having a baby. This can hinder pleasure, as being present in the moment is key for good sex. Remind yourself that your partner is likely no supermodel either! They want to enjoy sharing playfulness and pleasure with you, to have fun and feel connected again.

Low Libido Remedy 2: Cultivate A Lifestyle That Awakens Desire

Addressing relationship inequality will likely be key to reawakening your libido. If you tend to argue about childcare and chores, it might be time for a calm conversation about how you can feel more like equals. Happy couples share joint responsibilities, value paid and unpaid contributions equally, and make sure everyone gets broadly equal leisure time too. Take resentment seriously and take steps to tackle it before it develops into contempt.

Taking care of your physical and emotional wellbeing is crucial for a healthy libido. Make time for activities that help you relax, like exercise, and doing things you enjoy which make you feel like your old self again. A balanced diet, proper sleep (the best you can get in this phase of your life!), and stress management can also make a significant difference in your overall health and sexual response.

If you struggle to relax and be present enough to enjoy sex, mindfulness meditation can really help. Emptying your mind is probably impossible (for most of us!) but you can train yourself to let thoughts come and go more easily. Plus if you want to enjoy sex more, a mind free of thoughts is not really the goal; a mind full of sexy thoughts is much more helpful. (See point 1 above.)

With the demands of parenthood, it can be challenging to find time for intimacy. However, setting aside regular date nights or time to relax together without distractions can be beneficial for both your relationship and libido. By scheduling time to feel close, you’ll signal to yourself and your partner that your relationship is a priority.

Spend this time doing things that make you feel connected emotionally, like lying together, holding each other, talking and perhaps kissing. Let your partner know how important it is that you don’t feel pressured to take things further, and how counterproductive any pressure can be.

Low Libido Remedy 3: Improve Overall Relationship Satisfaction

Sometimes just knowing how normal it is to struggle with your relationship after having kids can be enough to quieten the worries about whether you’re in the right relationship.

However, if resentment is building up, it’s important to address it. Explain to your partner that you need to see them as an equal, not like another child dependent on you, to keep your erotic connection alive. Then take steps to address your sense of fairness and ensure you’re both getting time for rest and play.

Spending time together away from home responsibilities is powerful in helping you see each other as more than just “Mum and Dad”. Organise a babysitter or childcare swap whenever you can, even if it’s just for an hour to go for a walk or a quick drink together. It might not feel like enough, but it can make a huge difference.

Low Libido Remedy 4: Understand What You Need To Have Great Sex

Most women experience more responsive than spontaneous desire, which means they only tend to get in the mood once things they find sexy are already happening. This means you need to be open to connection first, to give time and space for those feelings to develop. You might like to create a sensual atmosphere with lighting and music, and wear something which makes you feel confident and attractive.

Once you start to feel some desire for sex, it still takes time to get fully aroused enough to enjoy it. Doing this usually happens through a combination of psychological arousal and physical touch. You need to be able to relax and get into a sexual frame of mind, feeling safe and reassured that you can put your other concerns, responsibilities, and any worries aside.

This is why many couples find that having an emotionally vulnerable conversation first is a precursor to good sex. It also helps to explore your own sexuality, both in terms of what turns you on to think about (and perhaps talk about and explore playfully together) and what works for you physically (where you like to be touched and how).

If you get distracted, it can help to focus on your breathing, let thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky, and gently bring your attention back to the physical sensations of touching and being touched. Relax into what feels good.

Finally, talk to your partner about other things you can try, to keep it fresh and put an end to the idea that penis-in-vagina penetration is the main event. And use a good quality lube – it makes all kinds of sexual play more physically pleasurable, and reduces those counter-productive worries about whether/how quickly you’re getting wet. Remember: relaxation is key.

Low Libido Remedy 5: Enhance Sexual Communication With Your Partner

Asking for what you want in bed can feel difficult, especially for women who have been socialised not to be too assertive or demanding, and to put others first. Penis-in-vagina sex is seen as “standard” sex in our culture because putting men’s needs first is normalised, and challenging it might not feel easy.

For example, there are more than 8000 nerve endings in the tip of the clitoris alone – that’s more than twice as many as the entire penis! It’s extremely sensitive and sensations can be intense. Talk to your partner about this – ask them to go gently, and perhaps avoid direct pressure on the clitoris if you find it too intense. Saying what you want, not what you don’t want, is usually received best, e.g., “go softly” or “I love it when you do it really gently”.

It doesn’t matter what words we use in bed as long as we can understand each other. If you feel awkward or aren’t getting through, showing can sometimes work better than explaining.

Good sex is all about experimentation, play, and feedback (whether subtle or more direct). If the sex you’ve been having has brought one of you much more pleasure than the other, it might feel difficult to talk about, but finding ways to communicate about it will ultimately benefit you both.

Open and honest communication is key to overcoming low libido. When you find a way to discuss your feelings and concerns about your sex life with your partner, you can work together to find solutions that suit you both. By addressing the issue as a team, you’ll strengthen your connection which will also help rekindle your passion.

Low Libido After Having Children: When To Seek Professional Help

If your low libido persists, is causing distress, or impacting your relationship overall, consider seeking professional help. A sex therapist or couples counsellor can offer valuable guidance and support to address underlying issues and find practical solutions.

Tackling Low Libido After Having Children: Getting Back In The Sack After Having Kids

In summary, overcoming low libido after having children largely comes down to two main points:

1. Knowing what you need (before, during, and after) in order to have sex you really enjoy (and therefore want more of)
2. Knowing how to talk about that with your partner, and how to ask for what you need (gaining confidence with each conversation)

My sex after kids workbook Back In The Sack will help with both of those things and more.

What you’ll find in the workbook:

• How to identify and break the common patterns that affect couples’ intimacy, both physically and emotionally
• Practical strategies for transitioning from co-parents to passionate partners
• Techniques for a mindful approach to sex, helping you focus on pleasure and connection
• Insights into breaking the cycle of rejection and its effects
• Understanding how parenthood influences your sexual identity
• Tips for starting open conversations about sex, complete with practical examples
• Realistic insights into how sex happens in long-term relationships
• Over 30 journal and discussion prompts to delve into

• • The role of sex in your relationship
  • How to overcome barriers to a satisfying sexual life with your partner
  • Moving from the mindset of a responsible parent to a passionate lover
  • Adjusting to changes in body image and sensations after becoming parents
  • Deepening your connection through greater mutual understanding
  • Communicating your desires and needs for a more fulfilling sex life

Start your journey back to feeling like lovers with the Back In The Sack workbook. Download it now and get started reigniting the passion in your relationship today!

Back In The Sack Workbook Testimonial

“With two young kids, my husband and I were really struggling to reconnect. We know it’s normal to be this tired, but neither of us was comfortable with how distant we were feeling. I’ve been following Catherine on Insta for a while and always find her posts helpful so I took the plunge and downloaded Back In The Sack. Honestly, it’s been a lifesaver. The journal prompts got us talking about stuff we hadn’t even thought about, and the tips on how to communicate better were spot on. We’ve started finding ways to make time for each other, even with the chaos of kids! Catherine really gets it. This workbook isn’t just about sex, it’s about feeling close again. If you’re a parent feeling the strain, I can’t recommend it enough. It’s made such a difference for us.”

Tackling Low Libido After Having Children

Remember that recovering your libido after having children may take time. Be patient and kind to yourself and your partner as you navigate this journey. Recognise that it’s normal to experience changes in your sexual interest, and give yourself permission to adjust to these changes.

Dealing with low libido after having children can be challenging, but it’s not insurmountable. By following these practical tips and seeking support when needed, you can reignite the flame in your relationship and enjoy a fulfilling sex life once again. For more advice and inspiration to nurture your relationship and personal wellbeing while raising children, join the mailing list. You can also download the Back In The Sack workbook here.

The post The Real Causes Of Low Libido In Mothers: How To Fix Your Libido After Having Children appeared first on Insight & Connection.

How To Improve Your Sex Life After Having Kids

Most couples find that having children brings significant changes to their relationship, including their sex life. Our children bring great joy to our lives, and they also take up a huge amount of our time and energy, leaving less available for intimacy with our partners.

Physical factors like hormonal changes and tiredness can impact how readily you feel desire too. How much physical touch and sex we have is largely a question of habit, and many couples find it difficult to get back into the habit, even once they’re physically ready.

The trouble comes when your intimate connection wanes and it has a knock-on effect on life outside the bedroom. When you’re not connecting with your partner physically, you might find yourself worrying more about your differences. You might struggle to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you fall out more easily. This vicious cycle can feel hard to break, but with a bit of effort and creativity, you can reignite your sexual connection and enjoy a fulfilling sex life.

Here are my top tips and strategies for improving your sex life after having kids. From prioritising intimacy to exploring new ways to connect, there are many ways to rekindle the passion and strengthen your bond with your partner.

1. Make time for yourself

In order to want sex with your partner, you probably need to feel a certain level of energy and confidence. You know self-care is crucial to your overall wellbeing, but how much do you think about how it can also benefit your sex life? Ask for (and take!) the time you need for activities that make you feel good, like exercise, meditation, and fun stuff that makes you feel like your old self again. This will not only benefit you but also your relationship with your partner, and make a fulfilling sex life easier to achieve.

2. Break the link between physical contact and sex

Any feeling of pressure to have sex can be a massive turn-off, so make sure you talk to your partner if you’re feeling this. Let them know that you want to make time spent cuddling, kissing and holding each other part of your regular routine, so you’ll stay connected emotionally. It might help to ask them to leave it to you to say if/when you want to take it further. It might seem counterintuitive at first, but when we break the link between physical closeness and sex, we’re often more open to kissing and cuddling, and end up having more sex.

3. Prioritise intimacy

One of the biggest challenges for parents is finding time for intimacy. Between work, parenting, and other responsibilities, you might find your sex life dropping down the list of priorities. But if you want to improve your sex life, you’ll need to make time for intimacy. If you believe you don’t have time, you might give up trying. Try looking instead for the best opportunities you do have, e.g. when the baby is napping, or as soon as the kids are down for the evening.

4. Communicate openly about sex

Effective communication is key to a healthy and fulfilling sex life, especially after having kids. Most of us find talking about sex difficult at times, if not all the time! But it’s so rewarding to find ways to talk more openly and honestly with your partner about your thoughts and feelings, needs, desires, and concerns. The more you open up to them, the more they’re likely to share with you – as long as you show a willingness to listen to their perspective and work together to find solutions that work for both of you.

5. Communicate about non-sexual stuff too

To be open to connecting physically, most of us need to feel relaxed, connected, and satisfied with our relationships outside the bedroom. So make sure you’re having open conversations about how you’re feeling about your life together, your roles and responsibilities, and any resentments before they build up. Make time every day, week, month, and year where you give each other plenty of undivided attention and talk about your feelings and needs, hopes, dreams, and fears.

6. Try something new

Under the time pressure of life with kids, it’s easy to fall into a sexual habit which becomes a sexual rut. When was the last time you tried something new together? If you want to keep things fresh and exciting, introducing new ideas can help. You could try talking about what turns you on, telling each other what you’d like to do, or introducing a new toy or outfit. A little open-mindedness and willingness to try new things can go a long way as you communicate with your partner about what you want to explore together.

7. Seek help if needed

If you’re struggling with sexual issues after having kids, please seek help rather than struggling on alone. If you’re experiencing pain, discomfort, or other sexual difficulties, I’d recommend contacting a pelvic health physio, your GP or other healthcare provider. They can help you to identify the root cause of your problems and provide guidance on how to address them. Please don’t delay – this is everyday stuff for these professionals, and seeking help is a sign of strength.

Improving Your Sex Life After Having Kids Is Possible

Improving your sex life after having kids may require some effort and creativity, but it’s worth it for the sake of your relationship and overall wellbeing. When you make time for yourself and your partner, communicate openly, and try new things, you can reignite the passion and strengthen your bond with your partner.

For more help improving your sex life after having kids, check out Back In The Sack, where you’ll find all the most useful information you need to find a way back to having regular, satisfying sex, all in one place, simply laid out.

This workbook will support you to make the changes you want to your sex life, whether you work through it on your own or with your partner.

How The Back In The Sack Workbook Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life After Having Kids

Back In The Sack is the sex after kids workbook by relationships after kids expert Catherine Topham Sly. It’s packed full of super clear information on:

• The typical pattern that couples get into that limits physical and emotional intimacy, and how to break it
• Why going from “Mum” or “Dad” to lover feels so difficult sometimes, and what you can do to make it easier
• How to get out of your head and into your body – where pleasure happens
• Breaking the cycle of rejection that leave you both feeling awful

Plus over 30 reflection/discussion questions to help you to think through:

• Why sex matters to you, and how you’ll benefit from having more of it
• What’s holding you back, and how you can overcome your blocks
• How your body has changed and your needs might have done too
• What you need to start feeling sexy and enjoying sex again, and how you can get those needs met

And finally, there’s a section on talking about sex, with plenty of tips and those crucial examples to help you to start the conversation.

Download the workbook today and discover how you can improve your sex life after having kids by shifting your mindset and making sex a priority again.

You can also click here to get in touch. Or click here to join my mailing list, for regular updates on how to have a great relationship after kids.

The post How to Improve Your Sex Life After Having Kids: Tips and Strategies appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Time For Intimacy: Do We Find It Or Make It?

We all know it’s important to make time for intimacy with our partners if we want to have lasting, satisfying relationships. But with our busy lives, work, family, homes, and all the jobs that need doing, sometimes we can get out of the habit of making time for one another.

Let’s think about what makes this difficult, and how we can overcome the challenges.

Too Tired For Intimacy?

“Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.” ~ John Barrymore

Two of the main reasons I hear for couples not having as much closeness and sex as they would like are time and tiredness.

It’s true of course that when you have young kids you have less free time and you’re more tired.

And if you let tiredness become a regular reason for not having sex, you will probably find yourselves feeling less connected as a couple over time.

Maybe you’ll bicker or argue more, creating a vicious cycle which leaves you feeling even more exhausted and less up for getting intimate.

If your sex life is important to you, you’ll need to find a way to work around the challenges of time and tiredness, rather than letting them be a reason not to have sex.

There are two main ways to do this:

1. Make time when you’re not tired

Don’t leave sex until the end of the day. When you have a baby, any time the baby is asleep is a good time for the two of you to have a kiss and a cuddle. As the kids get older, make connecting with each other the first priority for your evening together rather than the last.

2. Do it anyway when you are tired

The uncomfortable truth is that you’re likely to be tired for some time. Are you willing to put your connection with your partner on the back burner until that changes?

What Else Might Be Going On?

Sometimes when we say “I’m too tired” there’s other stuff going on too.⁣
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If you’ve noticed that you’ve been letting tiredness be a reason to avoid intimacy, try asking yourself what else you’re feeling.⁣
⁣
Yes, you’re tired. Are you also feeling worried, angry, sad, anxious, distracted, resentful…?⁣
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What might those feelings have to tell you about your needs that aren’t getting met?⁣

If you want to get your sex life back on track, check out my workbook Back In The Sack.

It will help you to shift your mindset, change your habits, and communicate better, so that you can stop feeling stressed and overwhelmed by the state of your sex life and get back to feeling connected to your partner.

Making Time For Intimacy

Some people find that scheduling sex works for them – in which case, go for it!

But others find it makes them feel a pressure which is ultimately a turn-off, or makes them want to avoid connection.

If you don’t like the idea of a sex date, how about planing ahead some time for intimacy, when you’ll give each other your undivided attention, cuddle, kiss, and connect emotionally? (And if if leads to sex, great. If not, you’ll still feel closer for it.)

But What About Spontaneity?

Sometimes I hear, “But it won’t be the same if it’s not spontaneous!”

To which I respond, “Well it really won’t be the same if it doesn’t happen!”

Because, let’s face it, life after kids demands a lot more planning than life before kids.

(And actually you probably thought ahead about when you were going to have intimate time together before kids, you just might not have said it out loud to each other in as many words.)

Let’s be practical about it. Time alone is limited, and it gets even more limited when we turn to our screens the minute the kids are in bed.

Do you have regular date nights?

Weekends away together?

Do you ever take a day off together when the kids are in school or childcare?

Do you say things like “let’s go to bed straight after the kids tonight”?

“If sex feeds your bond, it isn’t just some extra fluff you should try to work into your day if you have time. When it’s part of the glue holding you together, it deserves some respect and dedication. But there’s this very pervasive and annoying myth that sex should just happen. For a lot of people, sex in long-term relationships generally doesn’t work that way.” ~ Gigi Engle

What It Means When We Schedule Time For Intimacy

The thing about planning is that it communicates that we value the thing we are booking in.

You’re saying “this matters to me”.

You’re creating a chance for something to build.

Making some space for anticipation, for talking, kissing, joking, looking at each other.

If you’ve been avoiding sex and want to get back to deliberately building anticipation of it, my workbook Back In The Sack is for you.

It’s packed full of information, reflection questions, and communication examples.

It will support you in finding a way back to feeling physically and emotionally close again.

Finding Time For Intimacy

There’s no doubt that it’s a challenge to find time for intimacy when you’re dealing with the demands of children, work, and other responsibilities.

Ultimately, though, we make time for the things that matter to us.

When you’re honest with yourself and your partner about what else might be going on, put aside your concerns about spontaneity, and make time to get physically and emotionally close, you can reconnect and enjoy all the benefits of an active sex life – including how much better you get on when you feel connected.

Get In Touch

I work with individuals and couples who want loving, satisfying, joyful relationships, so they can enjoy their happiest family life.

You can find out more about working with me here, and contact me here.

You can download Back In The Sack here, and join the mailing list for expert advice on relationships after kids here.

The post Finding Time For Intimacy: How To Prioritise Your Connection When You’re Tired And Busy appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Overcoming The Cycle Of Rejection In Your Relationship After Kids

Navigating intimacy and maintaining a healthy connection can become challenging after having children. Many couples find themselves trapped in a cycle of rejection and misunderstanding that strains their relationship. This blog post will help you to understand and overcome the cycle of rejection, fostering a deeper connection and renewed intimacy with your partner.

Breaking The Cycle Of Rejection: Understanding The Root Causes Of Your Disconnection

Have you been feeling stuck in a vicious cycle where either you or your partner frequently faces rejection? To overcome this, it’s crucial to understand the underlying causes.

The happiest couples are those who consistently empathise with each other and work to understand each other’s experiences. And beyond that, they treat each other with compassion. So they go out of their way to help when they see each other having a hard time.

While this sounds straightforward, it’s often challenging. When we’re feeling hurt or misunderstood, our focus is naturally on our own pain and what we need to feel better. So when both parties are feeling hurt and misunderstood, it gets harder and harder to find our empathy and compassion for each other.

Understanding The Cycle of Rejection

A major trigger for disconnection can be the cycle of initiation and rejection which creates awkwardness and discomfort in many relationships.

In many heterosexual relationships, one partner (often the man) initiates sex from a place of spontaneous desire for his partner, wanting to feel close to her the best way he knows how.

If his partner is exhausted with responsibilities, has little time to herself, and hasn’t had time to connect emotionally, she might perceive his advances as insensitive. She then rejects him, often in a way which feels just as insensitive to him as his initiation felt to her.

Feeling hurt, he withdraws, making it even harder for them to achieve the emotional connection needed for her to feel sexual again. But he does want to be close to her, so eventually he tries again, and the cycle repeats.

Gender Dynamics and Rejection

It’s important to consider the broader context of these interactions. In many heterosexual couples:

• The woman may perceive herself as having a lower libido, or even worry that there might be something wrong with her because our culture often views spontaneous desire as the norm (because male = default)
• The man might not think to seek closeness in other ways – because that same culture has taught him that showing emotion = feminine/bad, and being sexual = masculine/good

This cultural backdrop sets the stage for disconnection, hurt, and loneliness. To break the cycle of rejection, both partners need to see the situation from each other’s perspective. However, empathising like this is challenging when we’re feeling hurt and frustrated.

Steps To Overcoming the Cycle of Rejection

Breaking the cycle of rejection starts with empathy. By understanding the patterns in your behaviour and your partner’s, you can stop the initiation and rejection from feeling insensitive. This understanding will prevent the withdrawal and emotional disconnection that keeps you feeling so different to – and separate from – each other.

Back in the Sack is my sex after kids workbook, designed to help you understand and communicate your needs, break the cycle of rejection, and rekindle your intimacy. It will help you to understand what’s going on between you – and what you need to do to make it better – so you can both feel understood and get back to having regular, satisfying sex.

None of us means to be insensitive to our partners. And that’s true whether it’s in how we initiate sex, or in how we decline it. With a bit more understanding and some communication pointers, you can overcome the rejection cycle you’ve been stuck in. Then you can find a way forwards where you’re both getting your needs met.

Back In The Sack will support you to make the changes you need to break the frustrating and upsetting cycle of rejection and feel close again.

Practical Tips for Breaking The Cycle Of Rejection And Reconnecting

When couples get caught up in a cycle of rejection, it often starts to impact their connection outside the bedroom too. If you relate, here are a few practical tips to reconnect.

1. Communicate Openly: Share your feelings and needs with your partner without blame.
2. Show Empathy: Make an effort to understand your partner’s perspective.
3. Prioritise Emotional Connection: Spend quality time together to strengthen your emotional bond.
4. Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, working with a relationship coach can provide the tools and guidance needed to overcome persistent issues.

You can also read lots more practical advice on keeping your sex life alive while raising a family together here.

Overcoming Rejection And Getting Back In The Sack

No one intends to be insensitive to their partner, whether in initiating or rejecting intimacy. With a better understanding and effective communication, you can overcome the rejection cycle and meet each other’s needs. Back In The Sack will support you in making the necessary changes to start breaking this frustrating cycle today.

Get In Touch With Relationships While Parenting Expert Catherine Topham Sly Today

I work with individuals and couples who want loving, satisfying, joyful relationships with their partners, so they can make the most of family life.

You can find out more about working with me here, and contact me here.

You can download Back In The Sack here, and join the mailing list for expert advice on relationships after kids here.

The post Overcoming The Cycle Of Rejection In Your Relationship After Kids appeared first on Insight & Connection.

Are you looking to increase intimacy in your relationship? Perhaps you’ve been feeling disconnected since having kids, and wan’t to know how to get that spark back? It’s really normal for your sex life to take a hit and to experience intimacy issues after kids. The secret to increasing intimacy in your relationship after becoming parents is to pay attention to what’s happening outside the bedroom first.

Intimacy Decreased After Kids? How We Become Disconnected In Relationships

When you’re dealing with the stress and exhaustion of raising young kids, it’s totally normal to have less sex and this can easily develop into intimacy issues.

Postnatal hormones, recovery from birth, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding… these all impact our interest in sex.

These physical factors will all resolve in time and with the right care. But only you can know when you’re ready to have sex again.

Meanwhile, if mama is doing the majority of the childcare (and especially if she’s breastfeeding), it’s not uncommon for her to feel “touched out” by the end of the day.

This can lead to less kissing, cuddling, holding, and touching for you and your partner.

And if your desire is mostly ignited responsively (i.e. you need that stuff to start wanting it) this lack of physical contact can mean your interest in sex lies dormant for a while.

If you expect your desire to be more spontaneous (maybe like it was when you first got together, or pre-kids) you might not give yourself a chance to get in the mood.

You might turn your partner down often, especially if they make a move too quickly.

So rejection can become a habit.

And rejection is painful, so one or both of you might start to withdraw, to try to avoid feeling it again.

As Jeanette Winterson says, “Rejection teaches you how to reject.”

Plus most of us imagine explanations that are worse than the reality when we feel rejected, which can make it harder to talk about and break the cycle.

So how do you avoid getting into this painful cycle, or break it if you have?

1. Make sure both partners understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.
2. Tell your partner what you need to be open to intimacy.
3. When it just isn’t happening for you, be sure to reassure your partner that you still find them attractive and want to maintain your connection.

Emotional Intimacy Is The Key To Physical Intimacy

So how do you maintain or even increase intimacy and romance, and keep your sex life alive, once you have kids?

Firstly, it’s important to recognise the physical factors that mean most couples’ sex lives takes a hit when they become parents. Being aware of these and sensitive to what you both need to be comfortable matters.

Aside from the physical stuff, the basis for romance and good sex is to establish and maintain emotional closeness.

There are three main ways in which couples do this.

Firstly, they make sure both partners are happy in their roles by dividing their responsibilities fairly.

They have open, honest discussions about who’s doing what.

They value each other’s time and contributions to the family equally.

Secondly, they develop rituals which keeps them close, like:

• Greeting each other with hugs and kisses
• Having a chat each evening about their days
• Saying please and thank you
• Making regular quality time together a priority

These might sound like small things, and you might even question their relevance. But research has found that couples who maintain these kinds of rituals feel closer and have more and better sex.

The third way couples stay close is by keeping up non-sexual affection.

This means expressing affection for your partner both through words and touch – every day.

Keep communication open about this. Let your partner know what you want e.g. “that was a lovely kiss” and don’t want (for now) e.g. “I’ve been feeding the baby all afternoon and I just need a bit of space, but let’s have a cuddle later”. 

In short, if you want more and better sex: talk more, and touch more.

Intimacy Issues After Kids: How To Increase Intimacy In Your Relationship

Do you want to learn the secrets to increasing intimacy and having a happy sex life after kids?

Back In The Sack is my 30-page sex after kids PDF workbook.

Your story is unique, but most couples struggle with similar blocks and patterns which get in the way of them enjoying an active sex life.

This is all about what you can do about them, what you want to change and how you can change it, using the 30+ journal/discussion prompts.

And it will leave you feeling more confident talking about sex, inspired by the tips and examples.

Download the workbook today and discover how you can get back in the habit of enjoying each other.

You can also click here to get in touch. Or click here to join my mailing list, for regular updates on how to have a great relationship after kids.

The post Intimacy Issues After Kids? Look Outside The Bedroom First appeared first on Insight & Connection.

The messages are everywhere: sex is for men, women are for men’s sexual pleasure… and what about sex and motherhood? Do mothers feature at all?

Lots of men and women still struggle – at least on some level – to integrate the idea of a woman as both a mother and a sexual being.

We expect mothers to be dutiful, and lustfulness and duty don’t really go together!

Some of us come from backgrounds where women’s sexuality has even felt like some big, dirty secret.

When a man becomes a father, it’s seen as an addition to his existing roles.

When a woman becomes a mother, it’s seen as overtaking hers.

For some women, pregnancy and motherhood bring a new sense of womanliness and sexual confidence.

But it’s not like that for everyone. Lots of mothers (and some fathers) get in the habit of refusing sex. Sometimes this happens before they’ve had a chance to get in the mood, or even think about what might make them want to.

There are plenty of reasons to say no: fatigue, rage, resentment at feeling unsupported, carrying the mental load, doing more than your fair share of the work.

Mothers of young children often give all day in very physical ways. Feeding and carrying babies, changing nappies, cooking, and endlessly tidying up after everyone.

Does sex feel like something your partner wants from you? Something they give to you? Or something you share?

When sex feels like it’s for you, it can be a way of reclaiming your body from your children at the end of a long day.

When they go to bed, the motherly part of you can go with them.

The evening can be yours again, to rediscover what it is to desire and be desired, and to focus on what brings you pleasure.

Sex And Motherhood: When She Wants It More Than Him

For women in relationships with men, being the one who is more up for having sex can sometimes feel isolating, confusing, and painful.

The idea that sex is something that women grudgingly give to men (who are always up for it) is unhealthy and untrue. But it’s all around us. And these stereotypes have an impact.

If you’re a woman who feels sexual desire more readily and/or more often than your partner, you might find yourself feeling undesirable, insecure, and isolated, especially if you’ve been rejected often.

Initiating sex is a vulnerable move for everyone. And expectations around gender roles can make it particularly difficult for women, who sometimes feel embarrassed or worry about it being unfeminine.

Concern about putting pressure on your partner can be particularly acute for women, especially where sexual dysfunction is an issue.

When a woman craves her partner, his touch, and to feel intimacy with him, rejection hurts. You might feel like withdrawing.

And communication around this topic can be difficult, with gender norms again playing into it.

Cultural expectations around masculinity can leave men who feel less desire than their partners feeling anxiety, guilt, pressure, and stress. They often worry that they’re not good enough, not manly enough, or not meeting their partner’s needs.

Honest, open communication is the best path to alleviating that pressure and feeling close again.

Speak to your partner from a place of empathy, acknowledging and validating their feelings and experience.

If you’re struggling to have this conversation on your own, couples counselling can really help.

Sex And Motherhood: Reclaiming Your Sex Life After Baby

Have you been struggling with sex and motherhood? In Back In The Sack, you’ll find all the most useful information you need to find a way back to having regular, satisfying sex, all in one place, simply laid out.

This workbook will support you to make the changes you want to your sex life, whether you work through it on your own or with your partner.

It’s packed full of super clear information on:

• The typical pattern that couples get into that limits physical and emotional intimacy, and how to break it
• Why going from “Mum” or “Dad” to lover feels so difficult sometimes, and what you might need to think about and do to make it easier
• How to get out of your head and into your body – where pleasure happens
• Breaking patterns of initiation and rejection that leave you both feeling bad

Plus over 30 reflection questions to help you to think through:

• Why sex matters to you, and how you’ll benefit from having more of it
• What’s holding you back, and how you can overcome your blocks
• How your body has changed and your needs might have done too
• What you need to start feeling sexy and enjoying sex again, and how you can get those needs met

And finally, there’s a section on talking about sex, with plenty of tips and those crucial examples to help you to start the conversation.

Download the workbook today and discover how you can shift your mindset, make sex a priority again, and get back in the habit of enjoying each other.

You can also click here to get in touch. Or click here to join my mailing list, for regular updates on how to have a great relationship after kids.

The post Sex And Motherhood: Overcoming The Challenges appeared first on Insight & Connection.

The Nature of Sexual Desire: Spontaneous vs. Responsive

“The standard narrative of sexual desire is that it just appears – you’re sitting at lunch or walking down the street, maybe you see a sexy person or think a sexy thought, and pow! you’re saying to yourself, ‘I would like some sex’…

But some people find they begin to want sex only after sexy things are already happening. And they’re normal.

They don’t have ‘low’ desire. They don’t suffer from any ailment, and they don’t long to initiate but feel they’re not allowed to.

Their bodies just need some more compelling reason than, ‘That’s an attractive person right there,’ to want sex.”

Emily Nagoski

Do Women Experience Less Sexual Desire?

When you understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, it has the power to transform your sex life.

Spontaneous desire can feel like it came out of nowhere: you start thinking about and wanting sex.

On the other hand, if you tend to get in the mood only after you start kissing or touching, that’s responsive desire.

This is important, particularly for heterosexual couples. Because it is much more common for men to experience spontaneous desire than women. When couples (or even whole cultures!) don’t understand this, it can leave us thinking that women have less desire for sex. When really, most women’s desire is just ignited differently.

If you experience more responsive desire, you need a chance to warm up, to get in the mood. You might think you’re suffering from low libido after having children, when it’s actually more about how much time you’re taking to connection emotionally and physically.

Is It Low Libido? Overcoming Barriers To Sexual Desire And Arousal

Sometimes women don’t give themselves the chance to awaken their desire and feel fully aroused. Here are two common reasons:

• Thinking you have no appetite for sex, unaware that you need to spend time connecting, touching, and kissing in order to feel desire and arousal
• Worrying about how to say “thanks but no thanks” when kissing and touching don’t work their usual magic (especially if you’ve got stuck in a painful cycle of rejection) 

This sometimes leads women to avoid the very physical contact they need in order to feel desire. Thus creating a vicious cycle where neither partner is getting their needs for emotional or physical intimacy met.

If this sounds familiar, tell your partner about what you’ve learned (e.g. by sharing this blog post). And tell them that you suspect one of you might experience more responsive desire.

Then you can talk about the best ways for you to communicate about it in the moment, so you can give feeling sexy a chance.

Sex After Kids: Getting Back In The Sack

Do you want to learn more about sexual desire and communication? Check out my sex after kids workbook, Back In The Sack.

It’s helped hundreds of people just like you to understand what’s really getting in the way of their physical and emotional connection.

Here’s an example of the kinds of things they say:

“Before downloading the Back in the Sack workbook, I felt emotionally charged, I was always feeling guilty about not being in the mood and feeling like it was another responsibility on my mental load. Since doing the workbook we have finally talked about our feelings that we didn’t realize we had, so there’s a lot less anxiety around sex and initiation.
What was most helpful were the questions that really made us think and helped us realize how we were feeling (like me feeling like it was another responsibility I had to schedule and manage) Thank you Catherine.“

You can read more about the Back In The Sack workbook and download it here.

You can also click here to get in touch. Or click here to join my mailing list, for regular updates on how to have a great relationship and sex life after having kids.

The post Understanding Sexual Desire: Male Vs Female Dynamics appeared first on Insight & Connection.