I wanted to let you know about how I have adapted my service in line with the government guidelines. It is my aim to continue to support you however I can as we all get used to the new restrictions and grieve our many losses.

Even if we and our loved ones are safe and well, most of us have already lost a great deal to this pandemic. We have lost work days, school days, businesses, savings, social interactions, experiences, and opportunities to name a few.

It is natural to feel upset by all of this, and healthy to reach out for help.

Coping With Uncertainty

On top of all of that, it can be difficult to switch off from the relentless stream of news about the new Coronavirus. Most of us want to stay informed, but too much information can cause stress, anxiety, and even panic.

You might feel worried about your health and that of your loved ones, as well as your income, how you’ll cope with social isolation (as an individual and/or being confined with those you live with), and what might happen next.

One of the greatest losses of recent weeks has been of our sense of certainty. It was, of course, always an illusion, as none of us ever really knows what is just around the corner. But life has become much less predictable in recent weeks, and a lack of predictability is unsettling.

Psychotherapist Peter Levine has defined trauma as “anything that overwhelms our ability to cope”. So it is not an overstatement to note that we are experiencing a kind of collective traumatisation right now.

The most useful response to this is to slow down as much as we possibly can. We all need to take time and space to process what is happening. You might like to try writing, creating, or talking. Or perhaps just taking the space to think it through, either staring at a blank wall, or while you exercise.

One strange consequence of the lockdown seems to be that some people are finding themselves with much more time on their hands, while others are struggling with much less. If you are in the latter group it is all the more important that you find a way to get that time and space for yourself.

In line with the government and BACP guidelines I have moved to phone and video call sessions only for the time being.

Some of us still feel more relaxed and able to open up on the phone; others find that video call feels more natural as a substitute for being in the room together. I am open to working in whichever way feels most comfortable to you.

For video sessions I am using the video conferencing app Zoom. Zoom is free, easy to use, and more secure than alternatives such as Skype.

Face to face meetings in the consulting room would always be my preference. But both phone and video counselling offer us really great alternatives for both individuals and couples.

There are of course a few considerations to be made. You will need to choose somewhere that is as comfortable, quiet, and private as possible.

For individual sessions you might like to sit in your car or talk while you’re taking your daily exercise, particularly if it is difficult to find somewhere suitable at home.

Many of the couples I see are currently working around having children at home. A film and a few snacks usually keeps them going long enough for us to finish our session!

Flexibility is key to my business model and I am aware that it matters more than ever. This is a very challenging time and I am happy to offer ad hoc individual or couples sessions as meets your needs right now.

If you would like to discuss how we might be able to work together, please don’t hesitate to drop me an email or give me a call to discuss how I can help.

Online Courses

Relationship Goals 2.0 sessions are sadly suspended until further notice.

However, I am working on an online course to support couples through the extra stress that we are all under. This will include loads of practical tips for coping with the challenges of being on lockdown together.

I’ll be back in touch soon with further details!

This is not a situation which any of us would have chosen. But it is one which presents us with enormous potential for growth.

When we are able to calm ourselves down and notice our reactions to the challenges we are being presented with, we will learn a great deal about ourselves.

If you would like to arrange a session, or just to discuss if or how either individual or couples counselling might be of help right now, you can contact me here.

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I am pleased to announce that I am now offering Walk and Talk Therapy!

Are you are interested in trying counselling? But don’t fancy spending another hour of your week sitting down? Walk and Talk Therapy could be for you.

At my office in Hove we’re close to beautiful green space Hove Park. This is a wonderful community hub, made up of 40 acres of open grass, mature trees and flower beds. It’s a great place to get some gentle exercise and all the benefits of being out in nature.

Walk and Talk Therapy is available now to both new and existing clients. If you would like to discuss trying this approach, please ask at your next session. Or if you are a new client, you can get in touch here.

Being Out In Nature

How much of your day do you spend under fluorescent lights? How about staring at a computer screen, at the TV, or your phone?

The mental health benefits of spending time out in nature are huge. Here is a small selection of the research:

• Spending time outdoors has been found to lower the stress hormone cortisol by more than 15%, lower average pulse by almost 4%, and blood pressure by just over 2%
• It has also been linked to lower levels of inflammation, which is linked to a reduced risk of autoimmune disorders, inflammatory bowel disease, depression, and cancer
• Natural environments are rich in the characteristics necessary to help us recover from mental fatigue
• One study found that walks in the forest were associated with decreased levels of anxiety and bad moods. Another found that outdoor walks could be “useful clinically as a supplement to existing treatments” for depression
• Walking in nature has been found to boost short-term memory by almost 20%
• An analysis of 10 earlier studies about walking in nature found that  “every green environment improved both self-esteem and mood”
• Another study found that people immersed in nature for four days boosted their performance on a creative problem-solving test by 50%

Imagine the difference that an hour a week in nature – with the support of a professional – could make to your ability to find your way out of your current difficulties.

From Disconnection to Feeling Better

In his latest book Lost Connections, Johann Hari questions the chemical imbalance medical model of mental health issues.

He interviews a number of social scientists around the world, considering the social causes of depression and anxiety under the following categories:

• Lack of meaningful work
• Disconnection from other people
• Disconnection from meaningful values
• Childhood trauma
• Lack of status and respect
• Disconnection from the natural world
• Lack of a hopeful or secure future

These are all things which it can be helpful to explore in therapy. And often the process of counselling can help you to see clearly what you can change.

For example:

• Therapy can help you to process any difficult childhood experiences or other traumas
• The more we talk, the more you’ll come to understand yourself and your core values. (Is this something you want to work on in more depth? If so I have a great exercise we can do with a pack of values cards)
• My specialism is your relationships and how you can make the most of them, healing your disconnection from others
• Through thinking about what you really want from your life, you might see a way to change your work, or see the value in the work you do
• Nothing can increase your sense of status more than your own self-respect, which is rooted in self-knowledge
• As you start to feel better, you will regain your hope for the future

The one area that therapy has not traditionally been able to help with is disconnection from the natural world. This is where Walk and Talk Therapy comes in.

How Does Being Out In Nature Help?

On our sense of disconnection from the natural world and the benefits of spending time out in nature, Johann Hari writes,

When you are depressed… you feel that “now everything is about you”. You become trapped in your own story and your own thoughts, and they rattle around in your head with a dull, bitter insistence. Becoming depressed or anxious is a process of becoming a prisoner of your ego, where no air from the outside can get in. But a range of scientists have shown that a common reaction to being out in the world is the precise opposite of this sensation – a feeling of awe.

Faced with a natural landscape, you have a sense that you and your concerns are very small, and the world is very big – and that sensation can shrink the ego down to a manageable size. “It’s something larger than yourself,” Isabel [Behncke] said, looking around her. “There’s something very deeply, animally healthy in that sensation. People love it when it occurs its brief, fleeting moments.” And this helps you see the deeper and wider ways in which you are connected to everything around you. “It’s almost like a metaphor for belonging in a grander system,” she says. “You’re always embedded in a network,” even when you don’t realize it; you are “just one more node” in this enormous tapestry.

Hove Park is no Grand Canyon! But walking outside, seeing the space and the trees and the sky, you can get a little taste of this sensation.

Walk and Talk Therapy: The Practicalities

You might have questions about the practicalities of Walk and Talk Therapy. It is important that we consider carefully whether it will be right for you. This will include how we will manage confidentiality in a public space, and what we might do in inclement weather.

We can discuss those details in person, but you can read more about how Walk and Talk Therapy works here.

If you’re interested in trying Walk and Talk Therapy you can give me a call on 07428 396671, use the online form to get in touch, or ask about it in your next session.

You can also join my mailing list here.

*From Lost Connections: Uncovering The Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions, by Johann Hari.

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When you’re looking for a counsellor, you’ll often get asked what’s bringing you for counselling, and why now.

You might be suffering with stress, anxiety, or depression, for example.

Counselling really helps with difficulties like these.

One way that it works is by helping you to gain a new perspective on your struggles.

One thing that lots of people notice is that – whatever brings them to counselling – in most cases there is an underlying thread: difficulties with relationships.

Relationship Issues

Perhaps it is your romantic relationships that are stressing you out.

Maybe it is your relationships with friends and colleagues that seem to be making you anxious.

Or perhaps your relationships with family members feel like they are at the root of your depression.

What do you think? Would making sense of your relationships and working out how you can improve them improve your overall emotional and mental health?

Relationship Issues Specialist

Since I set up Hove Counselling & Therapy, I’ve been busy developing my knowledge and skills in this area, so that I can help you to get on with people better, and ultimately feel better.

I have completed further training in couples counselling and gained my registration as a Gottman Relationship Institute verified clinician, as well as achieving my BACP accreditation and training as a supervisor of other counsellors.

I have focused my ever-voracious reading about counselling and psychology on relationships. (Insert geek emoji here… and ask me for some book recommendations!)

As I have read more books and articles and and completed more training courses on the subjects of marriage, divorce, communication, conflict, couples counselling, transactional analysis, sex and more, I have written more about these topics, which has brought many clients my way who want to…

• get on better
• make sense of and move on after a divorce or breakup
• process painful incidents that have happened between them
• get better at talking about sex
• have more sex
• break relationship patterns that aren’t working for them
• stop bickering
• communicate better
• learn to resolve conflict
• move on from an affair
• and lots more…

Relationship issues have become my specialism.

The Prevention and Cure Approach

My approach to counselling for both individuals and couples could be described as a combination of prevention and cure.

Some counsellors focus more on your past, what you’ve been through and the impact it’s had on you. (Healing existing pain.)

Others are more present or future-focused, looking at how you can make changes to feel better in the here and now. (Prevention of future pain.)

When you do both (e.g. make sense of your childhood and create a new self-care plan), you get better quicker, and make more lasting change.

More Than Counselling & Therapy > Relationship Workshops

Too often, relationship therapy is seen as something for couples to “resort to”, only reactively, when things get really bad.

But we can all learn more about how to make the best of our relationships, and the sooner you develop the skills, the better they’ll protect you against things falling apart.

For those of you who are interested in a more proactive approach, I will soon be offering relationship workshops.

These will be positive, practical workshops, to help couples to learn the skills they need to have fantastic relationships.

(In my previous life I worked as a workshop facilitator and trainer.)

If you’re interested in understanding what successful couples do differently, let me know, and I’ll keep you posted.

(The first one’s going to be about preparing your relationship for parenthood.)

Hove Counselling & Therapy > Insight & Connection

With this development, the name Hove Counselling & Therapy wasn’t quite enough any more.

Whether you are…

• struggling with anxiety or depression
• looking for a couples counsellor
• interested in coming to a workshop

…you’re going to be looking to make your relationships the best they can be.

Sometimes it is difficult to know how to achieve that sense of connection that you crave.

You might feel stuck in relationship patterns that aren’t working for you.

Often what you need to make a change is a little insight.

When you see things more clearly, you can do things differently.

So welcome to Insight & Connection. Helping individuals and couples to improve their relationships with themselves, each other, and other people.

Wherever you are on your journey. Whatever you want to change about your relationships. Give me a call or use the online form to get in touch to see how I can help.

You can also join my mailing list here.

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There are lots of reasons to try counselling. It has been proven to help people who are dealing with all different kinds of troubles like anxiety and depression. It can also help if you’re not sure quite what’s up with you or why you feel like you do.

Here are seven things you might have been thinking or feeling that could suggest that you would benefit from counselling.

Thoughts and Feelings That Suggest You Might Benefit From Counselling

“I can’t think clearly.”

Are you struggling to concentrate or make sense of things? Does your head feel like it is full of cotton wool? Or maybe it is all clogged up with thoughts and you can’t find a way to slow them down?

“I feel useless.”

How do you feel about yourself and the things you have done lately? Do you feel lost? Unsure what your role is? Are you wondering what difference you do or can make?

“I don’t feel like I’ve been dealing with my problems well.”

Have you been struggling to find solutions to your problems? Making mistakes that you can’t work out how to put right? Have you felt able to cope when things go wrong? Or able to put your problems aside when you need to focus on other things? Have you been blaming yourself for your difficulties?

“I haven’t been feeling close to anyone.”

Are you feeling isolated? Distant from the people you care about? Like you have no friends? Have you felt able to turn to others for support when you need it? Maybe talking to people has felt like too much for you. Or perhaps you haven’t been feeling warmth or affection for anyone at all.

“I’m struggling to make up my mind about things.”

Has making a decision felt like an impossible task? Have you felt overwhelmed and unable to choose?

“I feel pessimistic about the future.”

When you look to the future, how do you feel? Have you felt despairing or hopeless? Have you been lacking in energy, enthusiasm, or hope?

“I can’t relax.”

Do you feel tense? Have you or others noticed that you’re holding yourself tightly or clenching your jaw? Have you been suffering with unexplained aches or pains, particularly back, neck or shoulder pain? Do you have trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep?

Do I Need Counselling? What to do Next

If you recognised yourself in a number of the statements above, you would most probably benefit from speaking to a professional counsellor.

In counselling you can take the time and space to unravel your thoughts. You can learn how to get in touch with your feelings. And spending 50 minutes a week doing those things can act as a kind of pressure release valve. It can help to quieten the noise in your mind.

Once you feel able to relax a little more, you’ll find yourself able to think more clearly. When you’re in touch with your feelings, you’ll be able to use them to inform your decisions. Then you can work on making choices that work for you. And the more clearly you can see a way forwards, the more likely you are to feel hopeful about your future.

I hope this was helpful. However, if you are still asking yourself “do I need counselling?” maybe the best way to find out would be to try it.

I offer a reduced fee first session so that you can see if I might be the right therapist for you. If you’d like to see how counselling might be able to help you feel better, please get in touch. I see clients in Brighton and Hove and you can call me on 07428 396671.

You can also join my mailing list here.

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If you have never tried counselling before, or have only done CBT and not more exploratory, integrative therapy, you might wonder how it works, or what you’ll actually get from me.

What Will I Get From Counselling?

Essentially what you’ll get when you come to see me is a conversation that is more helpful than most. We’ll focus on your stuff. (I won’t take up your space talking about me.) I’ll listen to you closely, with an open mind, treat you with respect, accept and value you.

You might be nervous, anxious, or stressed. As you start to talk it out, you are welcome to be completely honest (even one-sided!) in having your version heard, fully, maybe for the first time. You can cry, swear, be angry, frustrated, hurt, critical, disappointed, lonely, bored, proud, powerful, excited, afraid… whatever. You can tell it how it is, for you, knowing that I will hear you and believe you and be available to share in the experience with you. Expressing yourself like this can in itself be really cathartic.

Usually people turn up to therapy with a story: this is what happened, or is happening. Most of the time part of this story is uncomfortable, irritating, embarrassing or upsetting. By talking it through with someone who gets it – someone who has had to tell some of her own painful stories in order to move on from them – gradually some of the sting might be taken out of it. Sometimes we’ll keep coming back to bits of it, as newer things remind us of older things. And each time those sore spots will become less sensitive.

How Will Counselling Help?

As those memories come together to form a more coherent story of who you are and how you got where you are now, you might find yourself feeling more relaxed.

As I listen to you and develop an understanding of who you are and what you are dealing with, I might offer some kind of interpretation or insight. But only you can ever know for sure exactly what is going on with you. So I will be curious about this, asking rather than telling you.

(Sometimes I will get it wrong. When that happens I will be open to hearing about that and making sense of it. You can be honest with me about anything and everything – and that includes the things I do and say in session with you.)

You will learn and gain insight, or different ways of looking at yourself and your problems, through our discussions. When I notice things about the things you say or the way you seem when I see you, I’ll share them with you and we’ll see what sense we can make of it together.

Sometimes what you will get is some new information. For example, I love teaching my clients about the drama triangle. The drama triangle is a model of human interaction that provides a really simple way of making sense of what is going on when you find yourself stuck in conflict with someone. Sometimes just making sense of why you always feel like you need to rescue your sister, or get so angry with your husband, can make an enormous difference to what happens next.

Or, for example, I might explain to you a bit about how memory works, or why it’s normal for you to be so aware of dangers if you’re highly sensitive, or that everyone has intrusive thoughts sometimes.

It’s really useful, all the psychological knowledge I’ve picked up. It would be a shame not to share it!

What Can You Expect From Me?

I will be honest, open and consistent with you, reassuring and supportive. I will help you to get in touch with your feelings and work out what it is that you need in order to feel better. Then I will support you as you find a way to do it.

As you make more sense of yourself and your story, you’ll probably want to make some changes. As you do that, you might find new challenges in your relationships. I’ll be there to help you make sense of and find a way through those too. You might find yourself asking “what will I get from counselling?” again, and getting new answers.

All of this depends on you turning up and opening up. There’s no rush; I’m patient and I understand that sometimes it takes time to feel ready, to trust, to take a risk to make a change. (Sometimes you might feel deeply impatient, and I’m used to dealing with that too.)

So when you’re ready, this is what you can expect to get from me. I will be both challenging and supportive, and if you show up and engage, you’ll grow.

I hope this has helped with your question: what will I get from counselling?

When you are ready, you can email me here or give me a call on 07428 396671. You can also join my mailing list here.

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“What do you do?”

“What do you do?” a stranger asks in a friendly attempt to get to know you better.

I know from talking to my clients that this can be a difficult question for a lot of people. Feelings of inadequacy or self doubt, fear of judgement, or the big question arising… what am I doing with my life? Sometimes the mere mention of work can bring up stress and anxiety.

Even for the luckier ones who love their work it can be a difficult question. Will they be interested? Will we have anything in common? Will this conversation go anywhere?

The Literal Answer

“I’m a counsellor,” I reply.

“What kind of counsellor?” is often the next question.

This one is harder to answer. I’m sure there have been times when this poor stranger has just been trying to clarify whether I’m a talking therapist or a member of Brighton and Hove City Council, only to have me launch into an explanation of the theoretical basis of my work.

And sometimes that’s the right answer. If I’m talking to another therapist, or someone with experience in the world of mental health and wellbeing, I might explain that I’m an integrative counsellor. That my work is underpinned by psychodynamic thinking, but I meet my clients with a person-centred way of being. I might explain that I use tools from TA and Gestalt, and take a mostly Jungian approach to dream analysis.

At this point, however, the stranger at the cocktail party might be wishing they had never asked.

So… what do I actually do?

I think it’s time I came up with a better answer.

What Kind of Counsellor? The Real Answer

Well, I work with adults – individuals and couples. I meet them each week at the same time and place for fifty minutes. And I listen.

I can listen better than the other people in your life.

There are two reasons for this. Firstly, unlike friends and family members, I am not involved in your day-to-day life. I don’t know your difficult boss, their grieving sister, your supportive but distracted friends. I have no vested interests. Over time, I can get to know your experiences, your stories – your lives – closely. But always with that crucial distance that frees me to listen really deeply. And without getting distracted by my own concerns about how we will pay the mortgage if you make a career change, or what Aunty Jane will think if you decide on a trial separation.

Secondly, I have years of training and experience in how to listen really, really well. We call it listening on many levels, because all those psychological theories I study are there waiting in the back of my mind. As you are speaking, and I’m listening, that distance and knowledge enable me to make links you might not have noticed, and see patterns you might have missed.

Beyond Listening

So I listen. I don’t judge. I stay curious about you and your relationships. I notice things you might not have, or I see them differently, and sometimes together we reframe them.

I have ideas and coping mechanisms if you’re are struggling to stay grounded through your anxiety, or keep functioning under great stress.

I will draw your attention to your own feelings and needs, teach you to listen to what your body has been trying to tell you all along.

I care. And I encourage self-care.

I keep listening, and being there, no matter how hard things are. I stay connected even when it’s really tough; when you’re stuck, or struggling, or lost, confused, or feeling utterly broken.

And in between the sessions, I process the work. I read and listen to things that give me new ideas. I think about your stories, and what else they might mean, what I might have missed in the moment.

How Counselling Works Over Time

Then we come back and do it all again. Over time a deep trust is built, and together we come to see things more clearly. Sometimes that is enough, and you might feel better. On the other hand that new perspective might free you to see what you want to change, or how you want to do things differently. I can support you through that too.

The number one thing I have learnt through all that studying is that mountains of research clearly demonstrate that whether you think of yourself as an integrative counsellor, a psychodynamic or humanistic therapist, or even a CBT practitioner, it is the quality of the relationship between therapist and client that determines the outcome of the therapy.

So what kind of counsellor should you visit? One who will listen really closely, support and challenge you to make the changes you want.

And when you’re as interested in people and relationships as I am, however you define it, it’s the most rewarding work there is.

If you’re wondering whether speaking to a counsellor might help you to feel better, the best way to find out is to give it a try. You can give me a call on 07428 396671 or use the online form to get in touch.

You can also join my mailing list here.

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